I have developed shaky hands mainly in the morning.  Also, accurring is, speech problems and slow concentration.  It’s been hard while trying to take care my dad who  just got out of the hospital with blood clots and strokes.  He’s because  a difficult person .  He wants to work and work.  He’s memory not well yet he is right about every there.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my. Can Bipolar cause this problem including weakness in the legs.  The place I go to for medication – that’s all they do.  So I’m going to the Hospital that offers an Insurance that doesn’t restrict to different types of genders.  I was the only white person in the area yesterday.  I was told that I would have to wait 3 hours to  have a meeting.  So I made a appointment and hopefully it want take that long.

The purchase to see a doctor is to get my Hepitatis checked and the checks that are acquiring in my body.

I’m frightened! Yes, I admit it. I’ve been worried about money since my eBay hasn’t been doing well. I haven’t been able to get inventory to sell and without inventory – no money.

August was a terrible month. Probably, because all the kids going back to school and people doing their final vacationing. It really put a damper on me. This is all I do – make jewelry and sell on eBay. I live with my parents – I’m their caregiver. I had to quit my job and take care of them. Who’s taking care of me? ME!

Just in two days I got two contracts to sell items on eBay for a couple of people. I guess I felt brave at the time, but I listed myself under Trading Assistant on eBay. Suddenly, out of the blue I got a couple of calls the same day. The other night I was praying for help on what to do about money and as always he answered my prayer. WOW!  He always submits these challenges to me. It’s like he’s always testing me.

My contracts are bigger then I would of thought of ever doing. It’ll mean a lot of money for me. It may also mean I might get to go to North Carolina to see my son and grandbaby for Christmas. So what am I worried about? Failure! This is the biggy for me and I want to do a good job. My bipolar is getting in the way and I’m trying very hard to block it.  Even right now, my heart is racing, and my stomach is turning around and around just thinking about it. 

Fear – am I going to fail? Demons? I will fight! Dreams? How much do I want them? That’s what makes me stronger. I don’t won’t to fail. Why? Because I’ve always been told that I will, and that I never finish anything. It’s always been fear and failure. I’m tired of it! I don’t feel good about myself when I quit.

God has challenged me and I will accept the fight. I’ll work hard and remember that I have a Dream worth reach for, and that Dream is within reach. I will not fail. You know why? I will not let that happen.

All my life I’ve been told I would fail.  So I always thought I would. If I tried to be a nurse I was told I could do it that I wasn’t cut out for it. I was also told “you might has well not go to college you want finish. So I never tried. I just quit. This time, I’m not quitting – I will fight my demons. I need my angels on my side and holding my hands very tight.

Today, I gave my dad a box of VHS tapes and that box had a couple tapes that had my son on them when he was a little boy.   Dad put these together for me to keep as a memory. Notice I said memory?   I took out the two tapes that I wanted to look at when I got back from the store. I placed them on the top corner of the VCR.  When I got home they were gone.  Dad had gone through all of them.  I asked him where were the two tapes I had laid on top corner of the VCR.   He didn’t know.  He said, they were all mixed up together now and didn’t really now which one was what.  I freaked out!  I went through them all and none of them looked familiar.  I started sweating, breathing hard and feeling delirious.  I then felt like I had never saw the tapes at all.

This has happened to me before.  I have lost a lot of things.  I felt I hallucinated,  it never happened, I never had it or I just dreamed it.  Dad kept asking, well, don’t you know which one it is?  I  put my hands to my ears, and said no, and I can’t discuss it right now!  I have to go to my room.

I fell into my bed trying to figure this out.  Mom, came in and gave me one of the pills we take – Loreaspam.  This pill kicks in pretty quick. I laid there for a while.

I started feeling bad for my dad.  He had no idea what happen.  Dad has never believed that I had this illness in the first place.  I guess he got a taste of it today.   Dad came into my room and asked, “Well, do you know where you put the tapes?”  I just put my hands over my ears and said, “Dad, I can’t discuss that now!”

Later,  I asked mom if Dad was confused about what happen and she said he was. Later, I went and sat right in front of him.  “Dad,  what happen was my Bipolar.”  I told him that I had put those tapes on the corner so I would know where they were so when I got back I’d know where they were.  They were moved.  When this happened I then went into a tailspin.  I started to feel like I was hallucinating it.  It’s a horrible feeling when you feel like it never happened, it wasn’t there or you just made it up.  Sometimes you just don’t know what’s happening.

I’m not sure how my Dad felt about all of this, but he did act confused.  He hates to feel like he caused any harm to anybody.  But that’s really funny, because he has been doing this to me all my life.  He has never felt that anything was wrong with his little girl.  That sounds weird to, because I was in a mental home for 7 weeks and he visited and paid my bills all the time.  I never know what he’s thinking.   In fact, he hated me about two weeks ago and now being on Aricept for Alzheimer’s/Dementia he acts a little different.  That’s a different story which I will talk about later.

Today, I go the doctor and maybe I can get some answers

I had an EKG test on my brain and the outcome was I had an old age brain and ADHD.  He didn’t said how much but it all made since.

Since I was a little girl I have had problems with paying attention, and if there were tasks that I didn’t like I would do my best to get out of the tasks.

My listening skills were rough.  My teachers would notice and this one you know what would always send me out in the hall. If I didn’t want to attend a class I would go to the nurse and say I was sick.  Somehow I was able to make my temperature go up enough for them to call my mom.  Yea!

I use to have this dream that I could find my locker.  Then when I found it I couldn’t remember the combination.  I always hated combination lockers.

I use to sleep walk.  My mom found me walking out the door.  I had no idea where I was going.

I would have the same reoccurring dreams of a monster.  I would go to the window and there was this big black burly monster pointing a bazooka gun at me.  I would start running and then I would lift off the ground and fly from rooftop to rooftop trying to get away.  I would always get away.  I don’t know what would happen if he caught me.  If he did would my life be the same.

I hated school, because I was never.  English was very hard for me as well as Math.  Even today English and mail haunt me. I wouldn’t even continue College out of fear of taking tests.  In High School, I knew that if I made a D in math through the semesters and an F on the exam, I would still past.  I don’t think you can do that today.

I’ve always had the problem of paying attention or listening.  I would stare at the individual that is giving me instructions or having a conversation of some kind, and I would just stare at them.  Sometimes I wouldn’t even know what they were saying.  This is embarrassing.

Even today, I have these problems.  I have to read instructions over and over again until I can get it, and sometimes I still want.  I lose things.  Like yesterday I put instruction beside my bed so I would remember where they are when I need them.  Now, I can’t find them.  I know I put the papers there.  This causes my mania to kick in gear. I will start tearing the room upside down and go throughout the house screaming.  Sometimes I blame my angel for hiding it.

Forgetfulness and losing things are my two vultures right now.  They’re just eating me alive and I don’t know what to do.  I can’t blame the drugs because this has been going on for a long time.

I can’t organize. I use to be the guru at organizing.  But now everything seems to be in a mess.  I organize my room so I can find things.  All my eBay items that I sell are all on shelves.  I can organize and organize and I’ll still not be able to find things when I need them.  What gives?

I wish I knew what to do about this.  Having bipolar and ADHD ruined my past life, but I’m not going to let it ruin my future.

Last Monday around 2pm, my dad called me into his room to ask me to take him to the hospital. I thought maybe I was imagining this since I get delusional at times.

My mom and I took dad to the hospital and was in the emergency room until 1:30am when we were told he would be staying the night. That was Monday. It’s Saturday and he’s still there. They found a clot in the top of his foot and had to do surgery. The procedure was to slice a hole in the vein on top of his foot and drain it. The quest was to figure out what caused the clot – his heart or the stroke he previously had? After the surgery we were told it was probably his heart. We were also told he’s Alzheimer’s/Dementia had gotten worse and to be prepared. Also, they were going to put him back on Coumadin, a blood thinner. This makes him hallucinate.

I started having anxiety with the fear that the same thing that happen last time, about 6 months ago, was going to happen again. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle it with everything that is going on in my life including my car wreck.

Dad was in the nursing home after a fatal accident and he hallucinated about his mom being alive. He depended on me for everything. My mom suffers as well from Bipolar/Dementia.

Just today, I dropped my mom off at the hospital to see dad. I returned and dad said that she had left to go looking for me downstairs. I went downstairs and couldn’t find her anywhere. I starting freaking and thinking the worse. I called my brother and he told me if I can’t find her to call security. I decided to go back up to the room just in case she returned. Mom was not there. Dad started getting upset and getting out of bed. I went to the nurses desk and said my mom was missing. “Oh, the nurse said, she went downstairs to eat lunch.” Gee, I was so relieved! I went to tell dad and he was tearing all the machine’s off of him and a nurse was trying to get him to calm day. He did calm down when I told him where mom was.

Boy, I was scared! I thought, “Is this what I’m looking forward to when Dad comes home?” What’s happens when Dad comes home and leaves without letting us know? How is he going to react to me. Mean or depend on me?

You have to live from day to day. Don’t take life for granted. I tried to tell my son to always make sure he tells his love ones including me that he loves them. Even with my bipolar something changes with me all the time like my memory. I get confused and delusional like during my accident. I lose items all the time like clothes, jewelry, purse, and keys. I organize my room all the time so I can find things. My room gets messed in one day and I have to organize again and again.

Keep coming back.

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) My Guardian Angel

No, I’m not trying to be weird.  My background heritage is Native American on both sides of my family.  I share their religious beliefs.  I actually think it helps me.

About 6 months or more ago my father fell  and ended in the hospital almost comatose for a week – he did not know where or who he was.  Then, he was in the nursery home for 3 months.  My mom can’t drive so my time was spent driving back and forth from the hospital everyday.  When he came home I fed him and took care of him until he felt, well, he said he felt better. He wasn’t.  He had develop Dementia/Alzheimer’s – He was a totally different person. To him, I was the black sheep.  I couldn’t do anything right. He blamed me for everything that went wrong.  Even stealing his money.  I had to go through that and handle my bipolar at the same time.  All I did was cry.  I’m crying again.

Recently, I had a wreck.  I was lost at the time and was very confused and got distracted so BAM – I hit someone.  I’m also going through bankruptcy.   You’ll laugh at this.  My car was going to be repossessed so I decided to file bankruptcy so they couldn’t take my car.  HA!  They can have it now!

I wonder how much I can take?

We took dad to he hospital again two days ago.  The doctors told us that he had a blood clot on his foot.  They’re not sure if it’s from the Stroke he suffered while in the nursing home, or his heart.  They’ll be doing some test tomorrow to find out.  The doctor told me today that his Alzheimer’s/Dementia has escalated.  This did not thrill me.

What does this mean? I’ll be losing my life.

I need medical attention myself.  My right foot is painful to walk on.  I had bunion surgery and they found a cyst in the joint of my big toe.  Now, I have developed osteoarthritis where it’s  painful to walk barefooted.  I have to use a cane to walk.

When is there enough?

Today, I had terrible bipolar thoughts going through my mind.  I actually said, why don’t you just fall in the hallway here in the hospital and let someone take care of you.  It was a thought only.

I have to do what I got to do.  I say the Serenity Prayer and then I  ask God to please help me and guide me through this ordeal.

I Faced My Demons and I Was Able to Escape

Help, is my mental state in jeopardy? Yesterday, I actually said, I wished I had died in the car accident. Then, my Dad wouldn’t have to worry about money.” He always gives me a hard time – all my life. “It’s your fault all this is happening. The light bill is higher because of you.” Everything is because of me. I have suffered this all my life. Plus, I could never do anything right. It has always the wrong way. I’ve always loved my daddy and this is why I take it so hard. Now, something else has happen that’s my fault and he had to fork out some money. I had a car accident!

Today, I was out driving around looking for estate sales to find items to sell in my eBay store. I got lost. I got confused and was looking for a specific highway. I was distracted and the next thing I knew I was looking down on at two cars at a red light. I put my foot on the accelerator as hard as I could. I turned one way to keep from hitting one car and then hit the other. I couldn’t believe it! I thought or hoped I was having a nightmare. Then 4 people got out of the car – luckily nobody was hurt. The right side of his bumper was a little banged up but my left side was really shambled. It bent the axle and had to be towed. The head light was smashed in and my wheel was bent. I set in shock for a while and then I called my insurance agent.

Then, there was the news. My insurance had expired! I didn’t know that. I really had no idea. I remember paying a bill, and I remember saying to myself it was time to pay another one. My last payment was June 10, payment was due June 15th. I guess it’s my July that I haven’t paid. But to me, it’s not late. Can I pay it now. I’ve been told a different story. The truth, I just forget. Time to do something about that. How about a full wall calendar?

Over the last few months I’ve been in another world. I’ve forgotten things and I don’t pay attention. I should of known better then to drive to far from home. I sometimes get disoriented. I’ve got to remember I’m not normal.

Right now, I’m going through a bankruptcy, trying to get disability, and trying to take care of myself. That’s a lot in itself.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. My car is sitting in the driveway and I’m sitting in my room. My stomach is a mess and my mind is turning over and over. I’m crying and I’m praying to god to please help me. I don’t understand why this happen to me. Why?

But you know what? I’m not out getting a bottle of wine and come cigarettes and getting drunk. That’s what I would of done before I got help. Be strong and pray. That will fight the demons.

Silence is Calm

It seems like every time I turn around something else is happening in my life.  Having bipolar is not fun – it takes every bit of guts to try and be strong.  My memory hasn’t been good lately and I have so much going on in my life. I actually run my own little business and it takes every concentration that I have.  Yes, I make mistakes, but we do learn from them.  Let’s see where should I start.

1) Bipolar

2) Hepatitis C

3) High Blood Pressure

4) Over the Border Diabetes’s

4) Hyperkalemia (high potassium)

5) Osteoarthritis

Plus, I’m having swelling in my legs and feet   Eight years ago, I had my bunions removed.  The doctor found cysts in my big toe joint, additionally I had osteoarthritis.  Today, it’s painful to walk on my right food.  I have to use a cane.

I broke my leg about 10 years ago – fibula, tibia and my ankle.  It’s now giving me problems.  Let’s see what else?

I committed myself to the mental hospital.  I was very depressed and lonely and started drinking every day and night.  I finally lost and tried to cut myself, but I felt an intervention so I stopped and called the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Yes, I’ve had a hard life and that’s not all of it.  No wonder I have bipolar, right?

I couldn’t cry before when I was drinking too much.  I was numb.  I was angry and I didn’t care.  That’s changed.

It’s okay to cry – it’s okay to feel.  That’s the way I feel.  All the stuff that has happened in my life has actually made me a stronger person.  I’ve been up and over the mountain so many times.  I just say if it’s meant to be so be it.

I cry for others when I see them so torn apart they cannot live in the existence.   I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t be strong.  Oh, there were times that I went out of control and hide.  Threatened to do something drastic, but every time something would intervene.  Then I decided it was my God who was looking over me.  That’s how I’ve been living my life.

I cry for me only when I don’t listen to the soft whispers in my ear. It’s the voice of My God.

I got some mail yesterday from the mental clinic I go to for my bipolar.  Inside was my blood test results and in there they said I needed to go to the doctor quickly, because of the test results. Boy was I surprised.  Not only is my Hepatitis enzymes high, but now I have something called Hyperkalemia.  What’s that? Well, I did some research and never thought I would have something like this.

I’ve had Hepatitis C for a while since since the 1990’s.   I’m not sure how I got it.  I had  a series of operations in 1989 – 1990 and  had to have transfusions since I lost so much blood.  Through out the years I have undergone treatment and each time I had to stop and go back to work.  I was never able to complete my treatments, because I had to feed myself and pay bills.

Today, I can’t find a job I can do.  Either you have to stand too much, sit too long, use your mind.  All those is hard to do.   It’s so depressing.  Lately, I’ve been crying a lot.  I’m so tired of being in pain and my memory is getting worse.  What’s even worse is I’m on 57 years old and I feel like I’m 80. My mom is 83 and we look like twins when we’re walking side by side.

Hyperkalemia is a scary name.  I looked it up and it’s a term for potassium.  I have too much potassium in my body.  Here’s what I found out about Hyperkalemia (potassium).

“Potassium is involved in regulating muscle tissue, and is part of digestion, metabolism, and homeostasis (maintaining a balance between the many electrical and chemical processes of the body).

Hyperkalemia occurs when the level of potassium in the bloodstream is higher than normal. This may be related to an increase in total body potassium or the excess release of potassium from the cells into the bloodstream.

The kidneys normally remove excess potassium from the body. Therefore, most cases of hyperkalemia are caused by disorders that reduce the kidneys’ ability to excrete potassium.”

It’s possible this is the reason my legs and feet are swollen and painful all the time.  This can also look like you gained weight on the scales. On the other side -  It could be my Hepatitis that’s causing all these problems.  Hepatitis can cause a lot of problems with your joints, muscles, organs and more.  When I was diagnosed many moon ago I was told this might happen.  But what am I to do?  Once you have it you have it.  I haven’t heard of anyone being cured.

Now, would be a good time to get on the treatment again.  But I don’t know how.  How do you do that we your not working and you don’t have insurance.  The treatment is very expensive.

I am trying to get disability.  I’ve already been to one doctor and next week I go to another doctor their sending me to. How many do I have to go to.    It would solve some problems by giving me the money to go to a doctor and possibility get some treatment.

Is there help out there.

I finally broke down and when to the bankruptcy lawyer the other day.   I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be.   My son had filed bankruptcy while he was in the army when he was 20 years old.  He’d gotten a couple of credit cards while in the army and spent a little to much.  He has also bought a car and that took him over the edge.  He called me many times to help him out.  I even co-signed on his car.

He got it bankruptcy, and it worked out really well for him.  He got to keep his car and his credit didn’t get ruined.  He was able to start over and work on good and new credit.

That’s what I’m doing.  I’m filing  under the new bankruptcy code. I pay the  attorney for a down payment to get them to start.  Then they immediately start to work by  by getting in touch with your creditors.  The people that have my car note has threaten to come get my car.  They call about 10 times a day.  It’s horrid!  Soon they will not be able to touch me – the attorney’s take care of it.

This company Midland Inland LLC is taking me to court over some very old debs that I had in the 1990’s in September.  That will  no longer exist.

All I will have to do is pay  a couple of hundred dollars and go to consumer credit cancelling.  It’s the new bankruptcy law.  Now I just have to get the down payment to them fast as I can.   Luckily, I work next week and I hope it will be enough to pay for my attorney.

I just pray that this will happen.  I’m tired of hearing from these debt collectors.  Their a pain in the you know what.  Why call 10 times a day?  All it does is make me made and turn off the phone.  Plus, I heard they can only call you once a day.