Why do I do it? I wish someone could answer that for me. I got off work yesterday after a great day at work. Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax. The answer was to go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine. Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette. It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was convincing myself that it was okay since I don’t work today. My liver didn’t say okay, my blood pressure didn’t say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.
I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine. As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking. Evidentially, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and pour another drink. I did that all the way up to 5:30am this morning. I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my Sunday paper. But, I didn’t stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes. Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit? I want touch neither the rest of today.
Before I broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces. My mind keeps saying I’ll never quit, but my heart wants to. I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don’t understand all of this. What can I do? I hate it! I want to be normal whatever that is.
I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry. I’m good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner. I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking. Maybe somewhere inside of me I’m feeling down because business hasn’t been good. The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy. I hate what is going on and I HATE what I’m doing.
I need to feel successful. But would that make me stop the madness? I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness. I don’t think before I leap. I just do it. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I’m doing great, but then it’s not.
I’m rambling, because I have been up all night. But I had to get this off my chest. For those out there that do the same thing – this is not fun. This is not the way to live your life. I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I’m making stupid decisions. I need help. I need a friend. Are there any friends out there? Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger? I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t wait to get out. I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray. I think that might be part of the problem, I’m lonely. I’m a great person in a sad women’s body. HELP!
I must remind you. I have been up all night and my writing stinks!