June 22, 2008 – Struggling

Why do I do it?  I wish someone could answer that for me.  I got off work yesterday after a great day at work.  Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax.   The answer was to go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine.  Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette. It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was convincing myself that it was okay since I don’t work today. My liver didn’t say okay, my blood pressure didn’t say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.

I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine.  As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking.  Evidentially, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and pour another drink.  I did that all the way up to 5:30am this morning.  I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my Sunday paper.  But, I didn’t stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes.  Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit?    I want touch neither the rest of today. 

Before I broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces.  My mind keeps saying I’ll never quit, but my heart wants to.  I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don’t understand all of this.  What can I do?  I hate it!  I want to be normal whatever that is.

I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry.  I’m good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner.  I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking.  Maybe somewhere inside of me I’m feeling down because business hasn’t been good.  The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy.  I hate what is going on and I HATE what I’m doing.

I need to feel successful.  But would that make me stop the madness?  I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness.  I don’t think before I leap. I just do it.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I’m doing great, but then it’s not.

I’m rambling, because I have been up all night.  But I had to get this off my chest.  For those out there that do the same thing – this is not fun.  This is not the way to live your life.  I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I’m making stupid decisions.  I need help.  I need a friend.  Are there any friends out there?  Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger?  I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t wait to get out.  I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray.  I think that might be part of the problem, I’m lonely.  I’m a great person in a sad women’s body.  HELP!

I must remind you.  I have been up all night and my writing stinks!

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