Flirting with Disaster

It’s 7:30am in the morning and I have been up most of the night pampering a little bottle of wine. Not a big bottle but a .750 ltr.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but I don’t know why I do this.  I popped the top around 5pm poured a glass of wine with ice.  Bought my pack of cig’s, yes got to have those.   Just watched TV and I guess I fell asleep because I awoke up about10:30pm.  I watched a little bit more TV and fell asleep again and awoke about 12am.  And then I fell asleep again and awoke up about 2:30pm and watched a movie.  This whole time I was sipping on this wine.  It wasn’t much and I didn’t really care if I had it.  But I wanted the cigarette and it goes good with a drink.  This all sounds so ridiculous doesn’t it.  Now here I am writing to tell you all this because it makes it even more disgusting.  Asking myself why in the world would I want to feel miserable the next day.  The problem is I don’t feel that bad.  I tried to go to sleep about 6am after I took my Lithium for the bipolar but instead got sick to my stomach and threw up.  So I just got up and have been surfing the web.  What a life!

You know I’m a good looking women who sits here at home most of the time.  I don’t go out and I don’t have dates.  I gave up those a long time ago when I kept picking the wrong one and of course my Bipolar made me crazy.  But I’m a lovable person and I just couldn’t hold on to a relationship.  I don’t know if I’ll every be ready until I get my life straightened out.  I’m still trying to get my business going and I’m not going to stop until I get it.  I’m trying to get my drinking and cig’s under control and if I do that it probably will help my manic. 

I’m so tired of living in this world as a nut. I’m so tired of not feeling great.  I don’t even know what it’s like to feel normal or good.  I don’t know what it’s like to be really loved and love someone.  Oh, my x-husband loved me.  He loved me so much he would hit and talk to me like a piece of dirt, but he said he loved me.  Since then nothing’s been right.  Let’s see he gave me herpes, Hep C, those nasty diseases you get when you screw around with other people and give tp your 7 month pregnant wife. Yes, I still carry the anger with me and the disgust.  My whole life I never felt good enought.  I was always told how pretty I am and I should be this way.  But most of my life I was used because I was pretty, not loved. No one every took the time to get to know me.  Why would they, I’m crazy, right? 

Here’s I go feeling sorry and having self-blaming part of the bipolar disease.  

This is why it’s so  important for me to work hard to make my business successful and to make that piece of jewelry that someone really wants.  Oh, I sell them, but I haven’t make a fortune.  I’m very creative and always have been.  That’s why I was good at photography.  One day I will show you some.  Well in fact the header on my blogs is my photo.

Wells it’s time to move on to something else.  I think I’ll take my dog Cody out for a walk.  Let me show you a  picture of my dog Cody.


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