Struggling – Trying Hard to Make It Right – Bipolar

Yes, I’m struggling.  I’m always struggling.  That’s why I got on this research study.  Supposedly the research drug is to stop the cravings for alcohol which doesn’t seem to work.  I still drink. However, I must say that I’m not drinking as much.  I’m not actually craving – it’s I want to.  I like to sit and have a nice glass of wine in the evenings – it’s just that the cigarettes go with it and – I can’t just drink just one.  But I do put ice in my drink – does that make it alright?  I’m not drinking as much with the ice.  My mom does this.  Does that make it alright?

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve been on this bipolar study.  Taking two lithium a day and the research drug whether it be a sugar pill or the real thing – has been a little difficult.  Sometimes I forget.  However, they do say when you have bipolar you have tough times with medicine by forgetting to take it.  I’ve done this.  And here something stupid I won’t mix drugs and alcohol.  So when I drink I want take my pills.  I’ve always been that way.  When I was 18 I saw a friend almost die because she mix drugs and alcohol, but she intended to kill herself to.  But It still scared me at the time,  Why is it that I can be so stupid on one they and wise on another.  I mean I have Hep C and I’m still drinking – that don’t mix!

Last Friday I went to the research center for bipolar and come to find out I was taking the wrong dose of the the research medicine.  Whoops!  I didn’t read instructions.  Also, I told him there have been weird things in my pill bottles he has been given me. The first bottle had a turquoise bead and then other had some pills in them that turned out to be my multi vitamin and calcium pill.  Finally, I found another pill that I couldn’t figure out what it was.  Now, I don’t remember putting these items in the bottles and he said he didn’t nor did anyone else put them in the bottle.  I ask, Well Who Did?”  It looked at me strangely.  I just said – Well I guess the Devil Made Me do!”  I really don’t know about this.  I mean the turquoise bead – yes I made jewelry and beads are laying around.  Did I do these things and don’t remember?  It’s too unreal for me. Hum…

This past weekend I went to the Native American Arts & Crafts.  I enjoy these because of my American Indian Heritage. One of my relatives is on the Native American Indian Wall of Honor at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington.  I feel honored.  I knew it before I found out in our genealogy on both sides of the family that I had the blood flowing in my veins.

I went with a friend from the apartments and we had a nice time.  I realize while there that I make some similar jewelry.  In fact, one lady admire the necklace I had one and was wondering where she could buy one so of course, I gave her one of my cards.  That made me feel good.

I mean it was such a great day!  But then I took Paula home and went direcly to the liquor store.  Why?  I don’t know.  I really wanted to go home and just  make some jewelry.  They say bipolar are the most creative.  At lease, I have that going for me. 🙂   One Plus, I didn’t drink very much because I fell asleep.  The rest of the weekend was like that – just resting and sleeping.  Since being on these drugs that all I do is take naps.  I’ve never taken naps before. 

One thing I can’t handle is a drug controlling me.  I know, I know that sounds funny coming from someone who drinks.  But the Lithium makes me really tired and around 3pm I can’t do nothing but take a nap.  I guess I’m making up for the sleep that I have missed in my past.

Here it is Tuesday and so far so good.  I’ve been on the computer but getting ready to make some jewelry.  I’nm really excided with the new necklace I made and also since I have determined who I am it makes  piece for me to create what I should create – Southwest Style Jewelry.  The gemstones are so colorful and I am a visual person.

Thanks for listening to me today.  I’ll be back.  I’m starting to do some reasearch on bipolar and going to the research hospital everyweek I’m learning new things about me and bipolar.  Learning to control the bipolar by knowing the sympthons.  So keep coming back.

2 thoughts on “Struggling – Trying Hard to Make It Right – Bipolar

  1. Thank you for your comment. At times I feel like I’m doing the write think. I want so badly for my jewelry to get known. I just don’t know how and I find myself getting depressed, but I keep trucking on. I told myself that I wasn’t going to give up this time. Again thank you.

  2. Sara says:

    It sounds like you are trying. Which is all we can do. I believe the more we know about bipolar and it’s symptoms the better it helps us. If jewelry is something you love to do, then by gosh, do it. It sounds like it makes you happy which is great!

    Hang in there.

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