Yes this is the 3rd week of being on this research drug along with taking Lithium. One day I feel great and the next I would feel lousily. Yesterday, I felt great but I could feel the Manic trying to creep up on me. When I got off work – My mine said it was time to have a drink of wine – I was weak and drove into the convenience store and bought some cigs. This wasn’t because I was craving them either. When I got home and I did some work and didn’t appear that I was in a hurry to have that first drink. It was about 2 hours after I got home that I started the ritual of setting up my smoking area, along with my glass of wine and ashtray. It’s a ritual for me to smoke and drink. Here’s what I do – put blankets on my couch so they don’t get the smoky smell – yea right. I get my ashtray and put a piece of newspaper under it so if my cig falls off it will burn the paper instead of my couch. I then fill up my wind glass with ice and our either my white or red wine. Yes, ice. It’s all a ritual. When my glass gets 1/2 full I automatically fill it back up with ice and wine. There’ times that I panicked when I still had some wine but no cigarette’s. Or, I had cig’s but no wine. I would go the store no matter what time it was and get some more cig’s or wine. There were times that I would sit up all night until dawn drinking and smoking. Only because I had them the drugs in my house. If I don’t have the wine or cig’s I want use them.
I feel that I have improved since the study worked. Even though I got the wine and cig’s last night I only smoked 8 cig’s and 2 glasses of wine and went to bed at 9:30pm. I just wasn’t in the mood to drink or smoke and I didn’t want my apartment to stink. This all seems to be an improvement.
Our brains are a powerful tool. It has more authority than anything else. The problem – you have to try and keep the devil out who keeps interfering with your success. He’s been with me along time now. How? I’ve been trying to figure that out for a long time. If I could kick him right out the door that would be the biggest step that I’ve taken in a long time.
Conclusion: I feel like this drug is working. I went from 2 pills a night to a larger dosage pill. I’m drinking less each week. I went from drinking and smoking every night to only a few nights week. Again, I need to get the devil out from under my skin.
This is why I agreed to do this research study for Bipolar – It’s worth the chance with me to take this drug even if I don’t know whether it’s the real thing or not. Maybe my mine is being tricked to think the pill is working.
My next topic – Is lithium working fo my bipolar.