The second day of my dad being home.
The day has been a big one from hell. We had a garage sale and sold some of my jewelry and sunglasses. Did pretty good. My dad is home from the nursing home. He is not doing very well. Always calling for me and saying things that do not make much since. My dad has Alzheimer’s.
All day my dad set in the same chair all day testing batteries, taking remotes controls apart, putting batteries in and taking out. Kept telling me something was wrong with the remotes, and dissected the shredder machine until it broke. I believe he was trying to make himself useful – but he couldn’t remember how to do some things. However, he finally admitted it later in the day and just said he was going to bed. He’s scaring me and my mom. It feels like he is going backwards. Was it a mistake to bring him home?
To top it all off – my journals are missing. These are journals that I have been writing in since I decided to get off the medication for my bipolar and my hormone pills. Both dealing with chemistry of the mind and body. I’m creating other ways to cope with my bipolar.
It takes every bit of willpower and control to not go crazy when my dad is constantly calling my name. I am now depended on by my dad and my mom for everything. His medications, food, drink, and his well being. What responsibility! Everyday I fear I”m going to walk into the bedroom and he want wake up. Or, find him in his chair just giving up. My dad is such a strong person, this is not fair.
Mom doesn’t know what to do. She has been dependent on dad for a long time. He took care of everything. She never learned how to drive and she not only has the diseases she has two artificial knees, bad hip and vertigo. She has dementia and bipolar – have problems with short term memory. Dad is different. He doesn’t talk the same – like a younger man – he can’t walk well, think well and I can see in his eyes that he is in pain.
I just pray to god to please give me strength and understand that dad can not help what he does. It’s funny – he’s been worried about diabetes because of he’s mother. He’s mother also had Alzheimer’s, as we;ll as his sister and recently his brother whom all died. Time was ticking for my father.
I’m praying so desperately for help just like I did when he had the stroke, when I had to bathe him, feed him and change his diapers. I saw him cry for the very first time. It broke my heart Now dad says – I love you. The boundary he has set for himself fallen. Dad was not much the type to give hugs, kisses or I love yous. I use to think I was not his child, because he never hugged me or said he loved me. I thought he hated me and that has been a burden on me for a long time. And now, I’m taking care of him. This strong, controlled man who once could build anything with his hands – boats, dens, furniture, specialty items like carving figurines. He was so talented. Oh, why does this have to happen to my DAD!