Delusions – Okay I’m Not Okay – I Have Bipolar!

I always think I know everything. Thought all is well.  I’m in control.  I don’t have to take my medication.  Everything will be okay I can deal with it myself.  I think I was wrong – some may not think so.

I feel all twisted and confused inside.  For the last hour I had been curled up in an embryo position trying to push these anxieties out.  I wanted to scream, explode, or tear me or something else apart. I suddenly don’t know what to do with myself.  What do I do?  Fix some coffee; check my email; what about the job I’m suppose to go to tomorrow; give Cody a bath; got to make a car payment; what am I going to do if I can’t work!!  I don’t like working with people what do I do! WHAT?

This feeling in my chest is suffocating me and I take deep breathes in hopes I won’t die.  I’m scared and I don’t know why!  I thought I knew.  I thought I was okay. Thought I could do it myself.  I can’t.  I need help!

People see me and think I’m okay.  They look at me and say your attractive you don’t look like someone who doesn’t feel okay or is crazy.  Your perfect!

I’m not okay! I’m not okay and there’s nothing I can do about it.  How do I tell t hem I’m falling apart in my mind.  I’m not your okay daughter.  I can’t tell anyone.  They don’t want to know that their little girl is not okay.  I’m 57!

I just want to disappear in the darkness and hope to come out into the light okay.  But I can’t breathe.  I’m loosing myself!

I don’t want to deal with life around me. I don’t want to deal with people and be social by having to explain myself.  I don’t want to hear that I’m not doing it right, don’t you remember, your wrong, what’s wrong with you, etc.  Then, YOU’RE  FIRED!

I’m scared so hide and I run.  Can someone explain this to me?  What can I do?  Do you or anyone understand me?  I’m crawling inside myself and I can’t climb out!  Can you see me?

I realized that I’ve been delusional.  I found out that people could tell when I’m acting crazy.  Now I understand why I was fired a lot.  I always believed that I was doing something wrong all the time.  I actually believed everyone was talking behind my back or behind closed doors.  “Oh, their door is closed.  Their talking about it – they’re going to let me go.”

They do.

If I stop writing I might die.

I need help!

I have nothing to reference you to on this blog.  The writing is mine and it won’t be the same tomorrow.  Only now.

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2 thoughts on “Delusions – Okay I’m Not Okay – I Have Bipolar!

  1. darknightofthesoulus says:

    Hello,

    You are not alone.

    There are many out here who also walk through the valleys endlessly hoping to eventually get back to one of those nice mountain tops again, so we can stop and rest for a minute, and gather our thoughts again, and decide where to go from there.

    I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, and lately I have been wondering if there is a connection with Major Depression, and The Dark Night of The Soul.

    The Dark Night of The Soul is a phrase that seems to completely embrace some of the deep sadness that we some times feel.

    I don’t know of anyone else, except for myself, who can go to the grocery store, and while walking around there, suddenly an overwhelming sadness can blanket me and make feel like crying.

    It’s like a think blanket of depression that covers me.

    I often wake up with that same blanket of depression over me in the morning, and I think what’s the use in getting up, all its going to be is another depressing day like yesterday, and the day before that one, and the day before that one, ecetra, ecetra, world without end, so on and so forth.

    And since I’ve have been wondering about the possible connection between Major Depression, and The Dark Night of The Soul, I have decided to open a Discussion Forum where people who may wonder about that too, can come and talk with others about it.

    Maybe, just maybe, if we can learn a little more about what this terrible darkness is that suddenly comes over us, perhaps if we can begin understand it a little better, then maybe we can begin to find our way out of it.

    God bless you, and keep blogging.
    http://darknightofthesoulus.wordpress.com/

    • Thank you for your reply. You are correct in many ways. Yes it doesn’t matter where I am. A dark cloud will suddenly come over me. I might just look at someone that really happy and I’ll become unhappy because I wish I felt the same. Like going walking at the park the other day and watching friends and couples happily walking and talking together. I have no one. This made me sad. I feel better locked up in my own little world where I don’t have to see these things. I am trying to cope and writing does help. I’m even contemplating getting rid of a car with a car payment so I want have to work. It’s come to the point where I don’t want to deal with people. They make me mad. I see someone treating someone else terrible I become mad. I believe it comes from the abuse I suffered when I was married in the1970’s. I have never let go of those feelings.

      If you get a forum going please let me know. Thanks again for your prayer and god bless you.

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