Is It Fear? Is It Mania? Hallucinations?

Today, I gave my dad a box of VHS tapes and that box had a couple tapes that had my son on them when he was a little boy.   Dad put these together for me to keep as a memory. Notice I said memory?   I took out the two tapes that I wanted to look at when I got back from the store. I placed them on the top corner of the VCR.  When I got home they were gone.  Dad had gone through all of them.  I asked him where were the two tapes I had laid on top corner of the VCR.   He didn’t know.  He said, they were all mixed up together now and didn’t really now which one was what.  I freaked out!  I went through them all and none of them looked familiar.  I started sweating, breathing hard and feeling delirious.  I then felt like I had never saw the tapes at all.

This has happened to me before.  I have lost a lot of things.  I felt I hallucinated,  it never happened, I never had it or I just dreamed it.  Dad kept asking, well, don’t you know which one it is?  I  put my hands to my ears, and said no, and I can’t discuss it right now!  I have to go to my room.

I fell into my bed trying to figure this out.  Mom, came in and gave me one of the pills we take – Loreaspam.  This pill kicks in pretty quick. I laid there for a while.

I started feeling bad for my dad.  He had no idea what happen.  Dad has never believed that I had this illness in the first place.  I guess he got a taste of it today.   Dad came into my room and asked, “Well, do you know where you put the tapes?”  I just put my hands over my ears and said, “Dad, I can’t discuss that now!”

Later,  I asked mom if Dad was confused about what happen and she said he was. Later, I went and sat right in front of him.  “Dad,  what happen was my Bipolar.”  I told him that I had put those tapes on the corner so I would know where they were so when I got back I’d know where they were.  They were moved.  When this happened I then went into a tailspin.  I started to feel like I was hallucinating it.  It’s a horrible feeling when you feel like it never happened, it wasn’t there or you just made it up.  Sometimes you just don’t know what’s happening.

I’m not sure how my Dad felt about all of this, but he did act confused.  He hates to feel like he caused any harm to anybody.  But that’s really funny, because he has been doing this to me all my life.  He has never felt that anything was wrong with his little girl.  That sounds weird to, because I was in a mental home for 7 weeks and he visited and paid my bills all the time.  I never know what he’s thinking.   In fact, he hated me about two weeks ago and now being on Aricept for Alzheimer’s/Dementia he acts a little different.  That’s a different story which I will talk about later.

Today, I go the doctor and maybe I can get some answers

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