Battling Bipolar has been tough. But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle. It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay. I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.
Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis. That disease makes my stomach turn. It just sounds so trashy and I’m not. This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand. I was a great kid growing up with a loving family. I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?
Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those. My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse. The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life. The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into. I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in. Why do we pick guys that are mean to us. My x husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did. So I felt loving was being treated badly. Not any more.
Today, I’m not in relationship and haven’t been for 3 years. I chose that until I can take care of me first. I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do. I’ve become very dependent on myself. I found out that I can get things done. Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources. It can be done you just have to research.
Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic. I get my Lithium and other medications free. I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis. I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.
I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I have to be tough. It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily. I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation. I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess. I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing. I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before. That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me. Going to book stores is a great outlet.
Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis. Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there. All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done. I don’t need any more bad news. I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make. He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009. Heck of a deal!