Bipolar: Chaos Of My Life

Bipolar has wreak havoc in my life by changing everything around me including friends. I no longer have close friends – they didn’t understand me.  They would just get angry, and I got tired of trying to explain. 

I use to blame myself instead of the illness on the chaos in my life.  I would become depressed and lonely. It’s a lonely illness living inside of your mind. I was so busy trying to hide my illness it was hard to be myself.  But then sometimes we don’t know who we are. Who are we under this mask.  That’s been my purpose.  Who am I? What kind of person am I? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?

 I found out I had bipolar 10 year years ago, and have been in denial all this time.  To cover it up I drank.  I stupidly drank thinking the voices would go away.  Wrong, it only makes it worse.  Drinking was the hardest addiction for me to give up.  It was my crutch.  I thought if I gave it up I would be in pain and I couldn’t take that.

 In March 2009, I came to the decision I had to stop drinking and smoking. Something became more important to me and that’s my family.  I have two grand children and I want them to know me.  It’s been my dreams since I can remember to be called “Grandma.”  So, I made ay dream list.  Believe it or not I had started the list when I was in Rehab 9 years ago after attempting suicide.

 The first thing on my list was to take care of my health.  I had lost jobs, because of my bipolar.  I didn’t have any insurance so I had to find some resources.  I also filed for Social Security. I found a mental clinic where services were free – I had qualified with low-income and my illness.  I went to a state hospital that offered low-income people health insurance by paying low co-pays.  It was like GOD was leading the way for me so I kept listening to him.  Both of my parents needed help around the house so I moved out of my apartment and moved in with them.  I’ve spent this whole time finding out who I am and working on my dreams.  So far my illness is finally under control with the new medication I’ve been taking Effexor, along with Lithium.  It took several medications until the right combination. Hopefully, now I can continue with my quest. 

 Come follow my dreams.

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