Bipolar & ADHD: I tried, failed and it’s okay

Relax and Breathe

Yes,  my attempt failed.  When I take on a project it’s a challenge for me.  I decided I wanted to have my own website with a store and shopping cart to sell my sunglasses.  I’m tired of paying fees to eBay, and  felt I should at least try. I worked on it for two weeks until 2 or 3 am in the morning.  My mania was kicking in.  I think it’s my medication. On with the story.

Once, I told myself that I would never quit anything again. I remember my father telling me as I was growing up through my teens that I always quit. I never finish anything.   My dad was a very negative person and  had a way of making me feel like I could never do anything. I could never understand why he did that to me.

I use to be quick at everything I did.  I had a boss, Siva who was my mentor.  Siva was from Malaysia and our cultures were a lot different and we had  a discussion about it, because I was going crazy.  I told him I wasn’t someone you could push around, and we are equals.  He laughed.

One day he came up to me and said he needed a slide presentation on PowerPoint done  by the next morning.  I looked up at him and said, “What?”  I’ve never used PowerPoint, and to include graphics?  He just looked at me and said,” It’s time to learn.”  Where do I start?  While he was getting everything together I started reading about PowerPoint.  I worked on the presentation until it was time for the charts.  I went to Siva and told him there was no way I could do the charts.   “Yes you can, he said.  How are you going to know if you can do it unless you tried?  You don’t give up.”

I didn’t know what I was going to do!  I didn’t have time to really learn  just what I needed to know.  On the way to my desk I noticed the gentleman in the booth next to me working on a chart.  I faced humility and ask him for help.  I if he could just show me the basics on how to create a chart with graphics, I’ll attempt the rest.   I had him send me a copy of what he was doing so I could look at it.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.  It was unbelievable!   Siva said, “See you did it.  You didn’t give up and found a way to get the job done.   How do you feel?”  I said, “I feel great as a matter a fact.”  I really did, I was very proud of myself, and so was he.  The next morning after the presentation he came to me and said in the meeting that morning people came up to him telling him the slides look greated.  My boss, actually told them that I did it.  He was very proud. We became very close.   Unfortunately, layoffs occurred and we lost touch. However, I still remember – “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Since, I got sicker and sicker until I finally came out of denial to seek help.  I finally found the right combination of medication – Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Lorespam.  I have some side effects from the Effexor – I’m not hungry as much,  I get a little anxiety in the evening, and I have more energy.  The pill is time release so it works more in the evening.

I gave up on the website I was doing  – I was staying up every night until the wee hours of the morning.  I didn’t want to stop – I had to get it done.  Then, I had a talk with myself – Vickie, this is not healthy.  It’s causing anxiety and stress and it’s not worth it.  That’s right it’s not and decided to try something else, slowly.  I’ve always jumped right into something without thinking about it.  It’s doesn’t hurt to give up on something when it causes stress.   But, spending money on things when you get this notion want to try something new stop and think, research, and see if  it’s really something you really can do.   I think it would have been wrong to make myself sick over something that I really could not do.   

I’ll come up with something.  I aways do.  Just Do Your Best!  Just because you have bipolar doesn’t mean the end of  things.  Pick something you’ve been wanting to do and try.  It’s okay to fail.

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