Bipolar & ADHD: I tried, failed and it’s okay

Relax and Breathe

Yes,¬† my attempt failed.¬† When I take on a project it’s a challenge for me.¬† I decided I wanted to have my own website with a store and shopping cart to sell my sunglasses.¬† I’m tired of paying fees to eBay, and ¬†felt I should at least try. I worked on it for two weeks until 2 or 3 am in the morning.¬† My mania was kicking in.¬† I think it’s my medication. On with the story.

Once, I told myself that I would never quit anything again. I remember my father telling me as I was growing up through my teens that I always quit. I never finish anything.   My dad was a very negative person and  had a way of making me feel like I could never do anything. I could never understand why he did that to me.

I use to be quick at everything I did.¬† I had a boss, Siva¬†who was my mentor.¬† Siva was from Malaysia and our cultures were a lot different and we had¬† a discussion about it, because I was going crazy.¬† I told him I wasn’t someone you could push around, and we are equals.¬†¬†He laughed.

One day he came up to me and said he needed a slide presentation¬†on PowerPoint done ¬†by the next morning.¬† I looked up at him and said, “What?”¬† I’ve never used PowerPoint, and to include graphics?¬† He just looked at me and said,” It’s time to learn.”¬†¬†Where do I start?¬† While he was getting everything together I started reading about PowerPoint.¬†¬†I worked on¬†the presentation until it was time for the charts. ¬†I went to Siva and told him there was no way I could do the charts.¬† ¬†“Yes you can, he said.¬† How are you going to know if you can do it¬†unless you tried?¬† You don’t give up.”

I¬†didn’t know what I was going to do!¬† I didn’t have time to really learn¬† just what I needed to know.¬† On the way to my desk I noticed the gentleman in the booth next to me working on a chart.¬† I¬†faced humility and ask him for help.¬† I if he could just show me the basics on how to create a chart with graphics, I’ll attempt the rest.¬†¬† I had him send me a copy of what he was doing so I could look at it.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.¬† It was unbelievable!¬†¬† Siva said, “See you did it.¬† You didn’t give up and found a way to get the job done.¬†¬† How do you feel?”¬† I said, “I feel great as a matter a fact.”¬† I really did, I was very proud of myself, and so was he.¬† The next morning after the presentation he came to me and said in the meeting that morning people came up to him telling him the slides look greated.¬† My boss, actually told them that I did it.¬† He was very proud.¬†We became very close.¬† ¬†Unfortunately, layoffs occurred and we lost touch. However,¬†I still remember – “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Since, I got sicker and sicker until I finally came out of denial to seek help.¬† I finally found the right combination of medication – Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Lorespam.¬† I have some side effects from the Effexor¬†– I’m not hungry as much,¬† I get a little anxiety in the evening, and¬†I have more energy.¬† The pill is time release so it works more in the evening.

I gave up on the website I was doing¬† – I was staying up every night until¬†the wee hours of the morning.¬† I didn’t want to stop –¬†I had to get it done.¬† Then, I had a talk with myself – Vickie, this is not healthy.¬† It’s causing anxiety and stress and it’s not worth it.¬† That’s right it’s not and decided to try something else, slowly.¬† I’ve always jumped right into something without thinking about it.¬† It’s doesn’t hurt to give up on something when it causes stress.¬†¬† But, spending money on things when you get this notion want to try something new stop and think, research, and see if¬† it’s really something you really can do.¬†¬† I think it would have been wrong to make myself sick over something that I really could not do.¬†¬†¬†

I’ll come up with something.¬† I aways do.¬† Just Do Your Best!¬† Just because you have bipolar doesn’t mean the end of¬† things.¬† Pick something you’ve been wanting to do and try.¬† It’s okay to fail.

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