Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.

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