I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me. I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer. I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me. I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.
Today, I feel friendless. No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie. I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook. Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong. Should I just super glue my lips together? Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people? I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.
I keep saying this will get better. I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious. I don’t trust a soul. In the past I was always lied to. Promises were never kept. Always, always abusive. I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like. Therefore, I don’t know how to act. I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.
I’ll keep work at it by writing.