I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me.  I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer.  I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me.  I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.

Today, I feel friendless.  No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie.  I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook.  Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong.  Should I just super glue my lips together?   Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people?  I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.

I keep saying this will get better.  I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious.  I don’t trust a soul.  In the past I was always lied to.  Promises were never kept.  Always, always abusive.  I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like.  Therefore, I don’t know how to act.    I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.

I’ll keep work at it by writing.


4 thoughts on “Friendless

  1. I’m trying not to sound trite, but writing really is the best therapy. It’s good that you have a forum to write these things down. You’re not alone in the way you feel. I am alone. My husband travels 95% of the time, and of course I have my daughter but she’s 2 and 1/2. I can’t really have an adult conversation with her. That’s why I have a blog, among other reasons.

    • Jewells says:

      Any comment is great even if you would like to talk. I’ve been writing since I was 20 in 1970 not blogging of course, but a journal. I look back on those journals 🙂 I can see how unhappy and depressed I was. It was really sad. I’ve been single since I was 25 and most of those years was spent alone. My son went to live with his dad when he was 9 years. Although I agreed with it I didn’t like it. I’ve been alone since then. No good relationships just me. So if you every want to communicate I would like it.

  2. alittlecoconut says:

    I don’t have much to say – just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Also, sometimes no relationship is better than a dysfunctional one…

    • Jewells says:

      I’ve been without a relationship for 8 years now. Just me and my dog Cody. I just don’t do well in them. I did get asked to a movie yesterday and I went. However, he’s not someone I would want to be in an intimate relationship. I don’t want to give him mixed ideas. This is what I do I analyze people and relationships. Thank you so much for thinking of me. It’s nice to be able to talk about something we are all familiar with.

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