Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me. Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.
Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show. This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person. Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him. Maybe an email here or there. But nothing. So it was only the sex?
Oh, I know I’m too old for him. It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you. I could at least be myself. I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me. I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time. It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.
I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life. I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right. Nothing I did was the right thing to do.
Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.