Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

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5 thoughts on “Bipolar: Friends

  1. Ive also taken up Photography a bit more seriously and I’m joining a local club after being at a few meetings. sorry for delay as I’d forgot about this blog and only remembered when I was going to start my own. I had a Christmas present of a 200-500 zoom lens but the weather hasn’t been great yet so I’ll need to keep practising close ups of the dirds at the feeder in our garden! Hope your’e well.

    • I’m glad your using photography to increase your awareness and insight to your surrounds. Yes it’s been too cold! I can’t wait to get back out there. I had previously had to sell my camera for financial reasons. I felt so lost like part of me was missing. The true thing I have is creativity. I felt I lost that. I was so depressed. But for Christmas I did a compulsive thing by getting a credit card and purchasing a new camera. I wanted a canon 70d but started new with a canon Rebel. One day I’ll have that 70d. Thanks for writing. I like to talk to a fellow photography. Your blog is set to private so I hope u get this

  2. I feel like that too, although I have a family wife 2 girls and very few friends but I’m still a lone trapped paranoid and depressed at times. I should be content with life but I’m not. Thoughts of what if I didn’t have this disability and daily nightmares of over analysing my emotions and being self conscious of every social interaction. I think how I might cope without my meds and would it easier now that I know more about the illness. I think people still stigmatise bipolar and maybe we should just don’t care and just get on with our lives. Mixing with others either by joining clubs going on courses or taking up new hobbies can help but its forcing yourself to do this and a lot of times I have the inclination but do nothing about it. We’re not alone we just think we are.

    • Yes, I hear everything you’re saying. Just like in my photography I had to force myself to get our there and show my work. It’s taken so long to get to that point. Always wondering what would happen if I got off the med’s. But the fear of not knowing would happen scares me more.No, we’re not alone but like you said it feels like it. I know with my family after all these years still don’t get it and I still have to explain the illness. But I’m also tired of explaining and just want to live my life. Thanks for your comments.

    • I’m sorry for the delay on responding. Yes analyzing emotions is our problem. Plus, I have a fear of being in a social setting as well. It’s scary – I’m afraid I might say something stupid and feel like everyone is talking about me. I did pickup a hobby that has been helping me and that’s photography. It took me a long time to have self-confidence in what I do, but now I’m feeling a little better. Yes, I feel like I’m the only one with Bipolar and ADD, but I have met so many with the same. Keep trying and don’t gave up. Find something you like to do and build on it. Thanks for commenting on my post and expressing your feelings.

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