sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

I feel like I’m going nuts.  Everything feels like a nightmare. The only thing i can think of it might have been triggered by my child. I always feel like he is going to abandon his mom. I feel  like I do or say something wrong all the time, I’m not sure what’s going wrong me. I feel so mixed up inside. To many thoughts running through my head.  Am I crazy?  This morning I called my pharmacist and asked about a prescription the doctors called in.  They said sorry we don’t have any.  I looked around and sure enough I had picked the pills up. It was only one of the embarrassing things that have happened to be recently.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety and it gets out of control with the manic depression – high anxiety.  The doctor has now put me on Depakote Delay (Depakote tablets are “delayed-release,” which means they have a special coating that prevents the drug from dissolving too early in the digestive tract.)

I’m involved in projects to keep myself busy, however, I dive in too deep.  I spend money like crazy and I do it without thinking how much money I have in the bank.  Suddenly, I have no money in the checking account. When someone attacks me or is rude to me, I attack.  I’ve always had to fight in my life starting with domestic abuse in the 70’s.  The memories, guilt, abandonment has all come back.  I’m 63 years old.  Why is this happening now?

I spent 7 weeks in a mental hospital for depression and attempted suicide.  I felt unloved and abandoned,  My son went into the army and then found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a younger woman.  I went out of control, and ended up in the hospital.

I think about hurtful things that I’ve said in the past without thinking.  I lose things all the time, like credits cards, keys, wallet.  I even found an item in the refrigerator, I don’t go out, because I’m fearful and don’t trust people. I don’t know how to change me.  Is there a possibility that with one-one-one therapy it would help?  I’ve got an appointment for an evaluation at the psychiatrist office, which has been done before. But maybe new solutions will be available.

The relationship with my son is important to me.  Losing him would be losing a part of me. He’s my only child and sometimes I think that the thought of losing him creates my fear. this is a strong possibility.  I love him so much, I remember the words, “Loving him means letting go.”

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