In the Later Years God Is There

kure2poetry-72This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.







What’s Depression About

It seems like I’ve had depression since I was in high school. I have journals where I wrote about feelings of loneliness and depression. “Sadness because one has no friends or family closeness.  I could trigger easily with anger.

I have ADHD ,  and that was difficult because in school trying to learn math and English. I couldn’t even take college courses, because I feared taking the Tasp Test, when I lived in Texas.  Instead , my first job out of school was a power company.  I was always good at typing, and I was creative. But English (grammar),  and Math was not my forte.

The following is some research on depression including my own discussions.

Some people with major depression experience the symptoms of depression only once in their life. Others experience frequent relapses and recurrences. (I experience it from triggers).  Triggers were like feeling alone,lines


Why am I depressed?

no one cares, family problems, my life is going no where. it’s important to pay attention to your feelings in order to catch possible signs of a relapse. Some people recognize the signs and some can’t, like me.

If you’re feeling down because of a specific event, such as losing a job or the breakup of a relationship, it could be normal and temporary sadness. If you feel sad, despairing, teary, or “empty” every day for more than two weeks and it’s interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be clinical depression.

2016 Goals


Have you ever felt so confused on what’s really bothering you health wise? One doctor tells you you have Depression.  Another tells you your Bipolar. Your doctor keeps testing different medications on you so now you have a box of expensive bottles you can’t take.

Additionally, a doctor tells you you have he diabetes and then latter you find out from another doctor you don’t have diabetes.

I have a slew of bottles of pills and I have been misdiagnosed.  So 2016 will be the year I’m take control of my health and life.   I feel I know me better than some doctors do and I know my body.  So tired of going to one doctor paying a co-pay and he can’t help you so he sends you to another.  I’ve spend so much out-of-pocket money and this is through Medicare.

I don’t have a problem with Medicare but there are are some things they don’t pay for. I realize my new HMO will have some issues, but I wanted to try something different.  Now, I have a new primary doctor. My other one spent to much time on the computer and not listening to what I had to say.  Bad bedside manner.

I’m having appointments in January and February and hope not to go back for while.  With the exception of my psychiatrist and therapist.

Wishing you the best in 2016.


sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

I feel like I’m going nuts.  Everything feels like a nightmare. The only thing i can think of it might have been triggered by my child. I always feel like he is going to abandon his mom. I feel  like I do or say something wrong all the time, I’m not sure what’s going wrong me. I feel so mixed up inside. To many thoughts running through my head.  Am I crazy?  This morning I called my pharmacist and asked about a prescription the doctors called in.  They said sorry we don’t have any.  I looked around and sure enough I had picked the pills up. It was only one of the embarrassing things that have happened to be recently.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety and it gets out of control with the manic depression – high anxiety.  The doctor has now put me on Depakote Delay (Depakote tablets are “delayed-release,” which means they have a special coating that prevents the drug from dissolving too early in the digestive tract.)

I’m involved in projects to keep myself busy, however, I dive in too deep.  I spend money like crazy and I do it without thinking how much money I have in the bank.  Suddenly, I have no money in the checking account. When someone attacks me or is rude to me, I attack.  I’ve always had to fight in my life starting with domestic abuse in the 70’s.  The memories, guilt, abandonment has all come back.  I’m 63 years old.  Why is this happening now?

I spent 7 weeks in a mental hospital for depression and attempted suicide.  I felt unloved and abandoned,  My son went into the army and then found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a younger woman.  I went out of control, and ended up in the hospital.

I think about hurtful things that I’ve said in the past without thinking.  I lose things all the time, like credits cards, keys, wallet.  I even found an item in the refrigerator, I don’t go out, because I’m fearful and don’t trust people. I don’t know how to change me.  Is there a possibility that with one-one-one therapy it would help?  I’ve got an appointment for an evaluation at the psychiatrist office, which has been done before. But maybe new solutions will be available.

The relationship with my son is important to me.  Losing him would be losing a part of me. He’s my only child and sometimes I think that the thought of losing him creates my fear. this is a strong possibility.  I love him so much, I remember the words, “Loving him means letting go.”

Bipolar – Hypomania

Triple Falls-Dupont National Forest

Triple Falls-Dupont National Forest

Definition: Hypomania (literally “under mania” or “less than mania”) is a mood state characterized by persistent disinhibition and pervasive elevated (euphoric) or irritable mood but generally less severe than full mania.

This is a horrible feeling.  I haven’t felt this since I was first diagnosed.   I’ve always been hyper but this was almost out of control.  It actually was scaring me. I couldn’t stay still I had to do something all the time. When watching TV I had to be reading, searching on the computer or iPhone.  My mind was always spinning with all kinds of thoughts. 
I’ve got a project going right now creating jewelry for my Etsy shop.  I’ve been compulsive by spending too much money on supplies, buying books or magazines. I read about different designs to make.  My heart races and I feel as though I have consumed eight cups of coffee.  I breathe rapidly and my blood pressure goes up.
My mom use to get on to me saying, “Vickie sit down!” I was walking back and forth between rooms, because I couldn’t decide where I wanted to go. I do this now. I stayed up all hours making jewelry or search on Ebay for supplies. Being a perfectionist, I want to make the best earrings or necklaces with the best material.  I’ve been hearing sounds that get my attention..  I’m worn out!  Oh, let’s not forget the grocery store – I have to go all the time and I buy food I don’t eat.  I’ve been eating a lot too.  I’m calling this hyper eating.  But, I’m enjoying it that’s the problem.
I’m so glad I use digital camera’s and not film or I would be purchasing all kind of film on ebay.
Having Bipolar is confusing.  Your never know what will happen next.  Some where along the line I triggered all of this.
The following is something I read on Hypomania Episode symptoms.

“A hypomanic episode is not a disorder in itself, but rather a description of a part of a type of bipolar II disorder. Hypomanic episodes have the same symptoms as manic episodes with two important differences: (1) the mood usually isn’t severe enough to cause problems with the person working or socializing with others (e.g., they don’t have to take time off work during the episode), or to require hospitalization; and (2) there are never any psychotic features present in a hypomanic episode.

Here are the symptoms I found
  • Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
  • More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
  • Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
  • Distractibility – yes I can switch to another idea quickly
  • Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually (not me, what sex!) or agitation
  • Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
There’s a possibility that my episodes were brought on from a cortisone shot in my hip.  I was sick with high pressure, nausea, hot flashes and irritability.
I went to my doctor and she put me back on Bipolar medicine Depakote, Now I read the side effects and they weren’t good – depression, and damage to liver.  I have hepatitis and this is not good.  Every medication says that.  I haven’t started it yet because I’m scared to. So what do I do?

Facing My Fear Of Pain

I’ve been going through a lot of things here lately and voice it.  In the beginning of my blogDunpont-12 I was talking about Bipolar. And now I’m dealing with this other I’m going to tell you about.. I can’t take certain bipolar medicines or any other medications. I’ve tried most and with hepatitis c you can’t take certain medications. So I deal with the depression and anxiety,and along with all the above I have hip problems. Pain is my middle name.

I battle these pains all the time and you know, you get tired and depressed.  My hip has osteoarthritis, which has just about crippled me by immobilizing me – couch pound. So I’ve been getting guided cortisone injections in my back and hip. None has helped until this one I just had that was injected in my groin/hip area. It seems to have work. However, it’s the first time that I have felt the miserable, cruel, mean, side effects.  It has made me feel sleeplessness, manic, nauseated, hot flashes and high blood pressure.  Although, I’m always confused I was more so this time, and I’ve embarrassed myself a few times with my forgetfulness.

When you’re in pain and feeling sick and depressed you don’t won’t feel like being around people. So I spend my days with the remote control in my hand.

I keep hoping that one day, living with mental and physical pain will go away.  I just don’t know when that will be.  I’m already 64.


I made plans to drive to the Carolina Mountains alone told myself I was going to do what I’ve always wanted to do for a long time, but have been afraid.  I hiked at Dupont National Forest to the Waterfalls – it involved a lot of walk and climbing.  Very difficult but pushed myself.  I had my old walking stick and it pulled me alone and wouldn’t let me down.  As I just about crawled back to the car I patted myself on the back and cried.

I got back to my room and opened a bottle of wine not only for celebrating but also for the back spasms in my back.  Needless to say it was only driving the rest of the time.

I will be having hip replacement and I will go back for another try.

Negative Thoughts Can Destroy Positive Ones

quote 2I have a problem.  And that’s making decisions and changing my plans too many times. Negative thoughts keeping reeling themselves in my brain.  STOP!

Just recently, I purchased a trip to the Riviera Mayan in Mexico.   I told myself I was going to bite the bullet and take a long trip to Mexico.  I use to travel all the time, mostly I went solo, because going with someone can sometimes make your trip complicated.  Your more approachable when your solo.  But, the negative thoughts kept interrupting my positive ones. To stop these thought patterns I cancelled my trip and lost my deposit.

I made another reservation to drive to the North Carolina Mountains at the end of the mountain and it took a long time to decide.  Now, I’m thinking of all the reasons not to go. Am I going to get lost driving; with my hip problem will I be able to hike; is there all couples?  I try to keep positive thoughts, but those negative thoughts keep interrupting.

All I can say is negative thoughts can ruin your life. You can lose money and respect. I’ve got to stop the thoughts from my traumatic life and move on.

My mom 89 is the greatest.  She always tells me,”I don’t care or worry about anything – I can’t even remember what I was negative about.  My life is too short to to ruin the rest of my life with too much negativity.”