Not Bipolar

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

There’s been many changes in my life since my last blog. I’ve gone through a lot of mental changes.

I went to another psychiatrist and he took me off all my medications – Lithium, and Paxil, except Trazodone and my blood pressure pills.  Instead, he gave me Latuda a new Bipolar medication.   The problem?  It was too expensive especially living on medicare.  There was nothing left for me to take. I’ve taken just about every medication you could almost think of tand they caused hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and memory loss. I lost a lot of memory taking Lithium. So I went cold turkey and got off Lithium and Paxil and didn’t experience any manic episodes.  With hepatitis c I have to be careful with medications I can take.

After 6 months my head was clearer than it had ever been.  I thought about all the bipolar stuff and remembered a guy I met in the mental hospital who had bipolar. We talked about it a lot, and I couldn’t relate since I’ve never had manic episodes the way he did.  I saw him get really sick and it was scary.  So I thought, well maybe I was misdiagnosed and it was ADD, depression and anxiety the whole time, and not Bipolar.

I did have to go back to my old doctor and get some anxiety medicine, Clonazepam, and Paxil for depression.  This has been working rather well.  I’ve always had anxiety but never really got treated for it.  I use to have bad panic attacks in the middle of the night after my abusive relationship, which is where the Trazodone came in.

I asked the doctor if she thought it was possible that the doctor at the mental hospital classified me as bipolar after attempting suicide after becoming terribly depressed, and started binge drinking, because he wanted to call it something. And this is after my son told me he was going into the military for six years, and my boyfriend was sleeping with another woman 20 years younger.  I couldn’t take all that so I drank to make it go away.  That one trip to the mental hospital became my desolate trip through life.  I had a stamp on my head.  “I’m Bipolar.”

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Is It Bipolar Disorder or ADHD?

I’ve had ADD since I was very young and in school. But in the 60’s ADD was not diagnosed disease.   I went through life struggling  and not being able to succeed in anything – especially work.

I’ve been confused over the last four years on whether or not the Bipolar is actually the ADD since bipolar medications were not working.  One doctor would say I had bipolar the other would ask if I thought I had bipolar.  I DON’T KNOW THAT’S YOUR JOB!  All the medications were doing were just medicating me, and making me feel sick all the time. Because of my Hepatitis C the only medication I could take at the time was Lithium.  I was told it didn’t affect the liver, but it did affect the kidney’s.  The last doctor said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium to do any good but enough to harm me.  He said, ‘You have a dead brain.  Nice thing to say, huh?  So why am I on medicine that’s not helping.  I don’t feel doctors have gone in great lengths to diagnose what I have or had.

I’m convinced after two weeks of being off Bipolar medications and feeling better than I have ever had – Bipolar was not the correct diagnoses.  I’m mad yet at peace in a way.  I did some research on Bipolar vs. ADHD and found they are similar but not the same –

 

Do I or do I not?

Do I or do I not?

1. Age of onset: ADHD is a lifelong condition, with symptoms apparent (although not necessarily impairing) by age seven. While we now recognize that children can develop BMD, this is still considered rare. The majority of people who develop BMD have their first episode of affective illness after age 18, with a mean age of 26 years at diagnosis.

2. Consistency of impairment: ADHD is chronic and always present. BMD comes in episodes that alternate with more or less normal mood levels.

3. Mood triggers: People with ADHD are passionate, and have strong emotional reactions to events, or triggers, in their lives. Happy events result in intensely happy, excited moods. Unhappy events — especially the experience of being rejected, criticized, or teased — elicit intensely sad feelings. With BMD, mood shifts come and go without any connection to life events.

4. Rapidity of mood shift: Because ADHD mood shifts are almost always triggered by life events, the shifts feel instantaneous. They are normal moods in every way, except in their intensity. They’re often called “crashes” or “snaps,” because of the sudden onset. By contrast, the untriggered mood shifts of BMD take hours or days to move from one state to another.

5. Duration of moods: Although responses to severe losses and rejections may last weeks, ADHD mood shifts are usually measured in hours. The mood shifts of BMD, by DSM-IV definition, must be sustained for at least two weeks. For instance, to present “rapid-cycling” bipolar disorder, a person needs to experience only four shifts of mood, from high to low or low to high, in a 12-month period. Many people with ADHD experience that many mood shifts in a single day.

6. Family history: Both disorders run in families, but individuals with ADHD almost always have a family tree with multiple cases of ADHD. Those with BMD are likely to have fewer genetic connections.

On number 3 – I don’t have mood swings.  When the doctor asks me how many times do I cycle I don’t know what to tell him because I don’t know.  To me it’s normal reactions.  In number 4 “they are normal moods in every way except intensity” is right on.

My mom has ADHD as well as my son and who know who else in my family especially mom’s side. She had to quit school when she was 14 and worked as a waitress most of her life.  I finally had to quit work because my mind was just not getting it any more.

Having being diagnosed with Bipolar felt like a death sentence.  I lost friends because they had heard bad things about people with bipolar.

Am I Bipolar or Not

Please what I’m about to say is not for everyone to try.

For years I’ve been told I had Bipolar – it started when I became very depressed because of a traumatic incident that happen to me. To much was too much for me to handle, so I started drinking a lot then a suicide attempt.  I committed myself to a mental health hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar.  Was I diagnosed because I was depressed, or because at the time I wanted to end my life?

That was back in 1999 when I was diagnosed with Bipolar.  Is Bipolar just a name they give you if your depressed?  While in the hospital I saw people who truly were bipolar and it was scary.  I never got that way.  They drugged me so much while in the hospital I didn’t know my head from my ass.

Recently, I went to a new psychiatrist,  because I had moved and wanted to get closer to home.  I wasn’t sure I liked him, because he seem so mean.  When I met him he seem to know what was wrong with me before any testing.  It’s because I told him.  He said that the Lithium was not doing me any good on a low dose.  It was hurting me more than anything – killing my kidneys and liver.  Also, I was taking meds that didn’t work together.  He said, I had a dead brain.  He said, I probably had slept apnea since my  neck was thick.  Once again a doctor putting things in my head.  He took me off all my medications except two and my blood pressure medication and put me on Latuda with Celexa.  That combo did not work it made me sick.  So he put me back on my Trazodone that I had been taking for 35 years. It worked.  He scheduled an appointment in two weeks.

I had to tell the doctor that I had forgotten I was leaving to go out-of-town could we reschedule.  Instead of a week he rescheduled me in about a month.  I asked why he said,”well if you cancel I put you back some. Ridiculous!  It was like he was punishing me for changing the appointment. He also threatened that if I did not like his plans, I could go see another doctor.  When I asked for more samples because I was running out – he said, “sorry but I’m going on vacation” and I don’t leave medicines with the front desk.  I was like “I can’t be off my bipolar medication for 2 weeks!”  He just said “sorry”. I was livid and pissed.  How can a doctor talk to you that way by threatening you and trying to control you.  I wrote him an email telling him doctor’s don’t treat their patients that way and I don’t want to see anyone that does.  I never heard from him.

Today, I feel better than I ever had. I actually feel things, my mind is clear, my eyes aren’t blurry, and I sleep better. Oh, I get confused, but that’s my ADD, which I know I have and had since I was born. I feel I was treated for the wrong thing.  THIS, makes me angry going through life feeling like crap by taking the wrong medications.

What I did isn’t for any body – just pick doctors carefully.  The controlling doctor is not what I needed but it did make me think about my future.

(grammar and English are not my strengths)

Bipolar:New Psychologist New Medication

I finally met with my new psychologist  a couple of weeks ago and at first I was scared of him but then realized he was there to help and knew what he was talking about it, specially, about medications.  He read me right away.  He was worried that I wasn’t  dead yet with all the over medicated crap I’ve been taken.  I have a box of medications that doctors prescribed that I couldn’t take.  Oh, if only I had that money back.  If only he would have said “Oh, you don’t have Bipolar.” I wouldn’t know whether to kiss him or kill  him after all these years.

My medications were Lithium, Celexa, Trazodone, Adderall, 3 blood pressures, plus, hydrocodone, and Lorespam.   Now I’m taking Latuda 40%, Celexa, and 3 blood pressure pills.  He said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium, and  was harming me more the helping me. He called me brain-dead. HA!  My memory was lacking, confusion, slurred speech, vertigo and loads of body pain.

I’ve been on Latuda for six days now. He told me I would  have a clearer head (waiting), memory would get better, maybe some weight loss, and I hope he’s right. Here’s my journey from this week.  First I must add – I was to restrain from all alcohol which I did.

Day one took Latuda and Celexa at 10 pm

Morning – atenolol, Amolophine, hydrochlorothiazide

I was fine the first day with a little tiredness like I always do

Day 2

I cleaned the house like I never had – felt real good  but a light headed at times.

Day 3 (wed) I got up and went walking worked on some jewelry and by afternoon I was tired and went to bed early.

Day 4 Woke up at 430 am WHY!! Decided to walk to the beach came back and worked on jewelry and napped in the afternoon so tired. Went to bed early – tired of being awake.

Day 5 – Woke early 4:30 am!  Big day – First Friday at the Art Gallery – This was a bad day.  I was feeling light-headed, hands shake, confusion, slurred words – I was knocking things off tables that night – I was sweating real bad – drank a glass of wine felt better. Went home and to bed early.

Day 6 – Wake up early AGAIN! Went for the walk – came home and stayed on the couch all day.  Feeling anxious, light-headed, sweating, tired, and went to bed early –

Day 7 – Yes again! This time 5 am,.  Feeling semi good. Feeling like – need to do something. Bur raining.  A great excuse to do nothing.

All in all I guess this is okay considering I cold turkey the Lithium – with doctors advise – don’t do it without a doctor’s permission – I wasn’t taking enough to do too much harm on cold turkey.  More – it could harm you.

DON’T EVER STOP PRESCRIBED DRUGS UNLESS YOU GET ORDERS FROM YOUR DOCTORS OR EVEN MIX ANY DRUGS –  DRUGS DON’T MIX WELL WITH LETHAL DRUGS, BEER, WINE, ETC.

Don’t Panic – Wait a Day.

Moody

Moody

A month ago. my landlord asked that I move by June 1st.  Reason?  Wanted to rent my place as a summer rental.  I live on a small beach town and it’s very lively during the summer months.  She will make 600 a week instead of 600 a month.  When I moved to  the sq ft cottage I was told I could stay as long as I like.   The place was furnished so I sold most of my stuff except my couch, and a lot of clothes.

I was so upset to get the news.  I didn’t have the money to move nor the furniture to put it.   I panicked and became manic and couldn’t breathe.  I called my son and was bawling about what happen.  What do I do.  I also felt attached by this person.  I always feel that way.  Like “why are they doing these things to me – I’m a nice person – I don’t understand.”  My son always has his way in calming me down.  Mom, “I know how you are – It just happened, nothing you can do right now.  Things will come a little clearer tomorrow and you know what to do.

All my life bad things happen.  I’m always asking why.  I haven even remarried since my divorce in 1978.  Several relationships but none in the last 6 years.  I’m 62 and I don’t think this is going to happen.  I guess God is just waiting for the right person. But have to accept there may not be one out there.

My mine did become clearer the next day.  I attacked the situation by placing a notice on Facebook in my local area.  It came through.  A lady was looking for a roommate for a large beach house on the island.   I wasn’t thinking that I hate roommates only that I needed a place to stay.  My fear of course is not showing her that I have mental illness but a normal person. Can I do this without staying something stupid?  Updates coming..

 

 

Does God Have a Plan

Solitude

Solitude

I always wonder why I was dealt a raw hand.  It seems all  my life nothing really good has come out of it.  Exceptions – my son, my dog, my camera and now the beach.  My high school years was a struggle because of my ADD and Bipolar that I didn’t  know I had because no one knew what it was back in the 60’s and 70’s.

Jobs? I had a lot of them.  My first real job was a well-known oil and gas company.    It was good until I started having black outs leading to very high blood pressure. I got on some good meds for it. But I also got involved with the wrong people and started drinking and drugging and then got fired from that job.

I got out of that phase and then was lucky to land several great jobs for the next 10 years until my depression hit again. My 5 year relationship ended after 5 years and  my son went into the army for 6 years. I thought my world had come to an end.

I was having trouble in my jobs – I was losing things, my grammar and writing were terrible, and I flew off my handle easily. Supervisors would keep complaining and put me on notice. I could understand what was going on.  But I got to the point I didn’t care. I would drink to make everything go away.  This continue until I wanted to end  my life.  However, I didn’t.  I had intervention. I searched for help for my depression and I found out other things about me.

That was the start of god coming into my life.  That’s when I started listening to my intuition and realized it was actually god whispering in my ears.  That’s when god was using others as a vessel to talk to me   God saved my life many times. But I still wonder why I have bad luck. After being alone for 50 years you would think I would meet someone.  I moved so often.  In fact just recently, I was told to leave from a very nice cottage on the beach that I thought was the one for me.  I was depressed and didn’t know where I was going to go.  I prayed for a miracle and it came. Within a day, I got an email from a lady wanting a roommate in a two-story beach house.  I keep asking God when is the testing going to stop – when are you going to let me settle? I think He is searching for the right place that will  for the plans he has for me. We were placed on this earth for a reason and one and I’m slowing see the picture.  I just hope it happens before I leave this earth.

I can only live from day-to-day because I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  I feel like a vagabond.

PLEASE IGNORE MY GRAMMAR AN SPELLING – BAD HANDICAP I HAVE.

I did it! I Passed My Test

DSC_0015My Art Opening for my photography was last night.  I was so afraid that no one would look at it or like it.  My problem is confidence. But, that went away last night during the event.  I sold several pieces of photography and some postcards.  I was so happy!  Not only that but a magazine and newspaper are interest in my work.  I sure needed this. It gives incentive to try more and harder. But not over do it.

I have a tendency to overdo something like once I dabbled in  jewelry – I spend so much money on findings, beads, and other needed equipment.  I bought and bought and bought, and now, I have a box of it I’ll never use.   As with photography I needed to be careful in overspending on matting, frames, getting pictures printed – the whole shebang.  To put it bluntly I’m a compulsive buyer and that’s why I’m always broke.  I wish I had someone who could take my money and teach me wisely.  But I’ve always been that way.  If I had a dime I would spend.

I just can’t comprehend the importance of not spending.  I forget what happens if I spend that dollar unwisely. I forget to write it down, I forget my doctor appointments, and on and on.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get it.  I had many opportunities to have a lot of savings for my future.  I spent it all.

Now, how did I get from my Art Gallery opening to doctor appointments.  Go figure!