What am I going to do the rest of my life?

I ask this question every day.  It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting.  My life is so lonely and sad.  All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today.  It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time.  And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past.  I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.

That’s a lonely feeling.  So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside.  But I’m trying.

I have to make myself get into social environments.  I can’t drive at night because I can’t see.  The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.

Roar Like A Lion

Roar Like A Lion

Living a life in fear

Is like dying

You feel  like your dead inside

You don’t want to leave your house

You don’t want to be in crowd

You just want to be alone and feel safe.

What kind of life is this?

What am I going to do with the rest if my life

Survive….

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Bipolar:New Psychologist New Medication

I finally met with my new psychologist  a couple of weeks ago and at first I was scared of him but then realized he was there to help and knew what he was talking about it, specially, about medications.  He read me right away.  He was worried that I wasn’t  dead yet with all the over medicated crap I’ve been taken.  I have a box of medications that doctors prescribed that I couldn’t take.  Oh, if only I had that money back.  If only he would have said “Oh, you don’t have Bipolar.” I wouldn’t know whether to kiss him or kill  him after all these years.

My medications were Lithium, Celexa, Trazodone, Adderall, 3 blood pressures, plus, hydrocodone, and Lorespam.   Now I’m taking Latuda 40%, Celexa, and 3 blood pressure pills.  He said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium, and  was harming me more the helping me. He called me brain-dead. HA!  My memory was lacking, confusion, slurred speech, vertigo and loads of body pain.

I’ve been on Latuda for six days now. He told me I would  have a clearer head (waiting), memory would get better, maybe some weight loss, and I hope he’s right. Here’s my journey from this week.  First I must add – I was to restrain from all alcohol which I did.

Day one took Latuda and Celexa at 10 pm

Morning – atenolol, Amolophine, hydrochlorothiazide

I was fine the first day with a little tiredness like I always do

Day 2

I cleaned the house like I never had – felt real good  but a light headed at times.

Day 3 (wed) I got up and went walking worked on some jewelry and by afternoon I was tired and went to bed early.

Day 4 Woke up at 430 am WHY!! Decided to walk to the beach came back and worked on jewelry and napped in the afternoon so tired. Went to bed early – tired of being awake.

Day 5 – Woke early 4:30 am!  Big day – First Friday at the Art Gallery – This was a bad day.  I was feeling light-headed, hands shake, confusion, slurred words – I was knocking things off tables that night – I was sweating real bad – drank a glass of wine felt better. Went home and to bed early.

Day 6 – Wake up early AGAIN! Went for the walk – came home and stayed on the couch all day.  Feeling anxious, light-headed, sweating, tired, and went to bed early –

Day 7 – Yes again! This time 5 am,.  Feeling semi good. Feeling like – need to do something. Bur raining.  A great excuse to do nothing.

All in all I guess this is okay considering I cold turkey the Lithium – with doctors advise – don’t do it without a doctor’s permission – I wasn’t taking enough to do too much harm on cold turkey.  More – it could harm you.

DON’T EVER STOP PRESCRIBED DRUGS UNLESS YOU GET ORDERS FROM YOUR DOCTORS OR EVEN MIX ANY DRUGS –  DRUGS DON’T MIX WELL WITH LETHAL DRUGS, BEER, WINE, ETC.

Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.

 

 

 

 

ADHD and Adderall

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the lit...

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the literature (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I finally got medication for my ADHD  that I’ve had when I was in school since 1970.  It’s amazing that a doctor who I’ve been visiting for my bipolar finally said I needed treatment for ADHD.  I asked my parents why I was never treated for ADHD and my mom told told me there was so such thing as ADHD back in the 70’s.  I remember being very frustrated, because I couldn’t figure out Math or English.  I was great in biology and gym and that was it.  I started having the attitude that if I just pass I’d be happy.  I started to hate school and wished I never had to go back. Why not just not quit?

I did graduate by a slight grade.  I never went to college, because I had to do math all over again but first I would need to take TASP, and knew I would fail.  However, I did take photojournalism, writing and basic photography and did pretty well.  I couldn’t go any further until I took the TASP so I never went to college.

I did have some really great jobs in my past – major advertising agency, national magazine, and an international makeup company. But for some  reason things started getting worse as I got older.  I’d get confused easily, organization was difficult, misplace things, forget things, and get angry easy.  My behavior was defensive and didn’t like people telling me I did something wrong.  I would become irritated and angry. I was always a top-notch administrative assistant – when someone would tell me I did something wrong the world would end.

It got to the point with my Bipolar and my ADHD  I could no longer maintain a job..  So what was I to do?   I decided to look into social security disability.   I was checked out and was decided I could no longer work. And I can’t! I tried it – if I tried to use a cash register I would have a panic attack.  If I tried to use a phone with too many lines – I would have a panic attack. Not only was it ADHD – I had Bipolar as well including a chronic terminal disease.

My doctor prescribed Adderall and I took the dosage she gave me, which was one in the morning and 1/2 at 1pm.  I did that for a week and went crazy!  It was like being on speed like I took back in the 70’s!  I hated it.  I almost chewed my tongue off!  Also, I found myself staying up still 3 or 4 in the morning.  I did get a lot of work done, however, I felt like crap the next day. I decided to stop for a day and start over and just take a quarter in the morning and 1/4 around 1pm. If you take the second one later than that 1pm you might have a hard time going to sleep.

The 1/4 dosage worked and  I feel so much  better.  I can focus and I can actually watch a full movie without loosing my focus. I  haven’t read a book in a long time and I haven’t felt like cleaning my house plus I was totally disorganized.

If you feel that you have any of the above symptoms please check them out before it gets later in years – it could save a lot of hardship and pain.