Living with Parkinson’s is very difficult. You don’t know from day to day how your going to feel. I use to be able to make plans, jump out of bed and out the door in a moments notice. I use to go go.
I loved traveling with my camera and looking for the road to a beautiful place. I enjoyed socializing and meeting to people. Now I’m afraid of what they see when they at me.
I had a very interesting life. I stayed single after my horrible marriage not wanting to get in the same situation. It’s a scarry thought of dying alone. I want to fix a way to enjoy the rest of my life.
Daisy Can Be a Rose.
I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks. It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it. I was a little fearful, but made it. I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture. I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am. My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t function those hours. Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of just not getting it, and that I would be to fat (I’m not). I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful. Mainly, no self-confidence. I made myself do it. I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started. I was going to prove him wrong.
I arrived at the studios at 6pm. I had no idea where to park so I was panicking. I did find someone to ask then things got better. I didn’t know anyone. This made it a little more scary. I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing. I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends. I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me understand the directions or even hear them. (I have bad hearing) I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something. If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que. I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you I learned. For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me. It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.
I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!
Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear. I’ve missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem. But now I’m fighting back. I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.
I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill your life. They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped. I also added a couple of new friends.
Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.
I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me. I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer. I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me. I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.
Today, I feel friendless. No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie. I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook. Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong. Should I just super glue my lips together? Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people? I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.
I keep saying this will get better. I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious. I don’t trust a soul. In the past I was always lied to. Promises were never kept. Always, always abusive. I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like. Therefore, I don’t know how to act. I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.
I’ll keep work at it by writing.