Best of My Life New Year 2011

My New Year started off really great.¬† I had my family with me – son, daughter-in-law and two grand children.¬†This is new for me because I have been alone most of my life.¬† Alone on holidays, birthdays,¬†mother’s days, alone in a single room suffering from bipolar and alcoholism.¬† Now,¬†God has given me a second chance,¬†and now I’ll get it all.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been out on New Years Eve.¬† I use to sit on the corner of my red stained couch, fouled smell smokey apartment and drink and usually I was passed out before midnight.¬† I didn’t go out only to th grocery and liquor store.¬† No relationships of any kind.¬† No one every came to see me.¬† I was alone and no one knew what I was going through.¬† I just knew I was in pain.

Now, for the time in years I went out on New Years¬†Eve.¬† The evening couldn’t have¬†been more perfect.¬†I was with my son, daughter-in-law, and my loving¬† grand children. We went out to eat to a really fun place across from the beach.¬†¬†Afterwards, we¬†walked along the boardwalk, and beach.¬† It was absolutely beautiful!¬†¬† The weather had cleared up allowing for the perfect evening. The boardwalk was lit up with Christmas lights and music¬†transposing a very festive atmosphere.¬† We could hear the sound of the waves hitting the sandy banks. When you looked up¬†the sky was a glowing dark midnight blue with the brightest stars you have ever seen.¬† In fact, it’s the first time I’ve seen the Big Dipper, planets and stars in a long time. There was one star that stood out from the rest.¬†¬†The¬†star was the largest and brightest¬†and¬†was pulsating as if it was alive.¬† I don’t know why – I felt a calm come all over me. I knew who it was. I just smiled and nodded and said thank you. ūüôā

Never Give Up On Life

Battling Bipolar has been tough. ¬†But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle. ¬†It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay. ¬†I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.

Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis. ¬†That disease makes my stomach turn. ¬†It just sounds so trashy and I’m not. ¬†This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand. ¬†I was a great kid growing up with a loving family. ¬†I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?

Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those. ¬†My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse. ¬† The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life. ¬†The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into. ¬†I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in. ¬†Why do we pick guys that are mean to us. ¬†My x ¬†husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did. ¬†So I felt loving was being treated badly. ¬†Not any more.

Today, I’m not in relationship and ¬†haven’t been for 3 years. ¬†I chose that until I can take care of me first. ¬†I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do. ¬†I’ve become very dependent on myself. ¬†I found out that I can get things done. ¬†Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources. ¬†It can be done you just have to research.

Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic. ¬†I get my Lithium and other medications free. ¬†I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis. ¬†I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.

I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I ¬†have to be tough. ¬†It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily. ¬†I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation. ¬†I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess. ¬†I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing. ¬†I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before. ¬†That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me. ¬†Going to book stores is a great outlet.

Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis. ¬†Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there. ¬†All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done. ¬†I don’t need any more bad news. ¬†I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make. ¬†He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009. ¬† Heck of a deal!

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night. ¬†This is sad. ¬†How did I know I did it. ¬†I got an email. ¬† I starting to believe that I might have another personality. ¬†Is it possible? ¬†I could be the solution to a lot of ¬†unanswered questions. ¬† I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place. ¬†I was trying to find the remote control the other day. ¬†I looked and looked for that darn thing. ¬†I decided to just calm down and sit. ¬†When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex. ¬† The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight. ¬†I try to be so observant. ¬†When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine. ¬†I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why. ¬†I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car. ¬†Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009. ¬†I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine. ¬†I CAN’T DO THAT! ¬†WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my ¬†journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal. ¬†I just hope I can remember to journal.

Update – Bipolar

Well I’ve been away for a while.¬† Since not taking the experimental medicine for bipolar, I have been trying to get my body¬†back to¬†normal¬†again.¬† Normal?¬† What’s that! .¬† I had¬† a terrible reaction to the experimental people – I was bonkers.¬† I couldn’t sleep, I almost broke my neck falling, diarrhea, throwing up, etc.¬† So the people at the hospital took me off of the pill.¬† There were working – I didn’t have any cravngs to have a drink.¬† But my body failed me.

I’m working really hard to get my ebay store off the ground and running.¬† It has been doing well, but my organizations skills is giving me anxiety.¬† I can’t decide where to start what to start with, or I hate the layout.¬† There’s so much to get done and they’re a lot of things that I need¬†to do and thats getting organize.¬† I hate the feeling of losing something, can’t remember where I put the item.¬† An incident happen earlier this week.¬† I looked up and down for my keyes and I’ve made special place to my keys when I come in the door – this time I didn’t.¬† What am I going to do.¬† I have to go to work.¬† I decided not to think about it just keep busy and something will come to you later.¬† I decided to take the trash out and low and behold there were my keys in the trash.¬† Yesterday, I came home and put my stuff on the kitchen table.¬† I saw¬†dog Cody when I first came in the door then he was gone.¬†¬†I closed the front door and got the dog chain to walk him.¬† I called out to him but he didn’t acknowledge.¬† That’s weired I said.¬† He always comes out when I say “Walk.”¬†“Oh well, I said. I’ll just go by myself.”¬† I opened the front door and there’s Cody just standing in front of the closed door waiting for me.¬† It was so funny!¬† He didn’t run off and didn’t even bark.¬† Poor thing.

My dad lost my mom the other day.¬† He had dropped her off at the grocery store to cash her Social Security check and went on the other grocery store where they actually buy groceries.¬† He asked an employee if she had seen mom and she said know and decided to call 911.¬† The police came and dad told them mom was missing,¬† He was having a coronary!¬† The Employee asked, “Is she in the trunk?”¬† Now why would my mom be in¬† the trunk.¬† My dad finally remembered that Mom wasn’t even there but at the other store.¬† He felt so stupid and told me not to tell.

My family has a long history of althimers.¬† Recently his brother died from it, my aunts, and my grandmother.¬† Dad;s mom.¬† Dad is the only one left.¬†¬† So bad memory runs in the family.¬† I was sorta of happy that at least I know that if I go crazy what’s wrong.

My bipolar doesn’t help my poor memory.¬† I scare myself sometimes because I feel like something is always following me.¬† Out of the corner of my eye a flash will happen and I would turn quickly to find it.¬†

Time to get on with my work – Thanks for listening.

Bipolar-Stay Busy! WRITE FOR THERAPY!

I’m learning more and more about Bipolar and it interest me.¬† Why? I have it.¬† Yes, I’m admitting I have it.¬† Before, I couldn’t do that.¬† I was embarrassed and felt ashamed.¬† I had a disability and I didn’t want anyone to know.¬† But then I realized, hey, I have a reason to be crazy. I have bipolar.¬† It’s not my fault.¬† It’s a disease just like alcoholism.¬† The problem with Bipolar is you never know when it’s going to attack unless you learn the triggers.¬† I’ve been paying attention to this to see what triggers me to drink and what triggers the mania.

I’ve been selected to participate in a study at UT Southwestern on bipolar.¬† I was so excited when they told me that I was accepted.¬† I said, “Bless the Lord!”¬† It may not mean much to someone else, but it meant a hell of a lot to me.¬† Not having insurance and not having the proper care has kept me in a whirlwind, and now I have a chance.¬† They started me out on Lithium for 2 weeks and they gave me another pill.¬† The reason I say that is I don’t know if¬†I’m taking the real thing. Bummer!¬† The study drug is suppose to stop the craving of alcohol.¬† It’s been two weeks since I started taking it and I don’t feel any different.¬† Now, I haven’t drank as much and I think that’s because I have to get up at 4:30am for work till 3:00pm then I go home and work on my business.¬† So I think I’m on a roll.¬† Making myself too busy to drink, but I’m afraid that I’ll get burned out and do some binge drinking.¬† I love my red wine.¬† Darn! There goes that negative thought.¬† STOP IT!

I’ve been reading a book by Monica Raminez Basco, PHD, called “The Bipolar Workbook – Tools for Controlling your Mood Swings.”¬† This book tool that actually gave me confirmation on my disease.¬† It’s very informative.¬†

There’s a question – Can bipolar cause depression and mania at the same time?¬† I would say¬†yes.¬†¬†For¬†me it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I feel high on life and then boom!¬† If anything upsets me or I get stressed out OR something isn’t getting done – there I go!¬† I can get mad and feel like I want to tear someones head off.¬†

Do you think medications are needed to control bipolar?¬† I really hate taking meds but I’ve been on medicines since I was in my early 20’s.¬† However, I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until it was too late in life that.¬† Doctors just gave me¬†a prescriptions for¬†Valium, celexa, lexapro or anything that a doctor felt like giving me at the time.¬† No wonder my body is chemically unbalanced.¬†¬†¬†That’s why I’m happy about this study.

Yesterday, I was really tired because I woke up around 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep.¬† I was feeling anxious, tired confused and very disorganized.¬† I hate feeling disorganized – I can’t find anything and that’s a biggy fo rme.¬† I can’t take not being able to find something.¬† Sometimes it gets so back I actually act crazy!¬† I feel crazy!¬† It’s like – It was here just a minute ago!¬† One time I actually blamed a ghost for getting it.¬† WOW!

I feel you can stop the symptons of bipolar by first accepting and realizing that you have bipolar.¬†Figure out what triggers your¬†bipolar. ¬†Go through the steps to get help by getting on the right medications.¬† If you have problems with alcohol, which some bipolar cases have, they can help you with that.¬† There¬†‘s help out there you just have to look for it.

I’m a firm believer that writing for therapy helps.¬† You have the opportunity to write out everything that triggers¬†your mania on paper and you can go back and read it and you’ll realize a lot.¬† I’ve been told that when I’m in mania mode that I talk alot, slur my words, my hands move all over the place, I move real fast, get angry easy and shappy.¬† I also imagine that people are talking about me.¬† Being in a room with a lot of people in a small area with a lot of loud talking can drive me loony.

Try writing.¬† You don’t have to be a professional writer or journalist.¬† Just be you. That’s why I started writing in blogs.¬† I write in journals why not a blog.¬† Let it out – let everyone know what you have and¬†you’re not afraid to tell any one.¬† Let it out and tell us what pisses you off!¬† Write it!