Living with Parkinson’s is very difficult. You don’t know from day to day how your going to feel. I use to be able to make plans, jump out of bed and out the door in a moments notice. I use to go go.
I loved traveling with my camera and looking for the road to a beautiful place. I enjoyed socializing and meeting to people. Now I’m afraid of what they see when they at me.
I had a very interesting life. I stayed single after my horrible marriage not wanting to get in the same situation. It’s a scarry thought of dying alone. I want to fix a way to enjoy the rest of my life.
There are many things that happen in our life that aren’t fair – illness, or injury. Accepting these situations means focusing your strength and energy on letting go of yourself to God, and he’ll see you through the hard times, Or let the anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity destroy you.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography-copying is prohibited
I have been experiencing a lot of physical problems, but maybe it’s all in my head. That’s the way the doctors make me feel when I tell them about my issues.
I’ve been experiencing headaches, dizziness, fading out, falling, unbalanced, shortness of breath, heart beating rapidly, and my hip-joint pain. Did I mentioned Vertigo? The doctors just say it’s the medication I take. That’s good so why do you give them to me?
It just seems that doctors don’t care anymore. Or, may since I’m a senior they think it’s all in my head. Could it be? Sometimes I think it is, but I know me better then they do. I’m just about to give up on doctors. I’m tired of them making me feel worse before I got to the appointment. It’s a horrible feeling when there’s no one listening or willing to help.
At a bad time in my life, I was hinting to family and friends about the way I was feeling – hurt, lonely and depressed. I lost my long relationship and my son went in the army for 6 years. I was scared and alone. They didn’t hear me. I started binge drinking and attempted suicide. I just didn’t care anymore. I went to rehab for 6 weeks and it was the worse experience I ever had. All they do is drug you up so you want cause any trouble.
5 years ago I stopped drinking and smoking – cold turkey. Looking back, I now know it was a God thing. He intervened and saved me. That’s one of the things I have found good in my life is finding God again. Although, I looked to him in the past, I never really felt he heard me. Now I do. Besides the the physical ailments. My soul is feeling good.
We should understand that God’s purpose for you will be revealed to you overtime. God will reveal to you in his own time and place. Be looking for him.
I get so tired of sitting home and feeling sorry for myself. Plus, the days fly back and you wonder where the days went. You ask yourself, “What am I do with myself? Life is just passing me by.” I’ve been staying close to home with no social life. I use to be very outgoing and loved to have fun and flirt! But abuse torn me down and have been living a low profile, low self-esteem, and numb life.
However, I’m now trying to make my life better. It’s been hard with so many health issues but I felt like volunteering would help me. And it has. I feel so good about myself. I work at a hospital every week – one day in the emergency room helping and listening to the patients. I realize I’m not alone in my pain. It’s an awakening that my life could be worse. I also volunteer at the American Red Cross doing events, and working on the blood mobile. Both are helping others.
I’m now back at photography – photographing nature, which relaxes me. I love the outdoors! Great therapy!
In summary, I’m begging you, get off your butt and do something that helps others. Maybe there’s a hobby you have been wanting to try – do what makes you feel good, it can make a total difference in your life.
It took me awhile to get the guts to do it, but I prayed, and received the strength to move on with my life.
I ask this question every day. It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting. My life is so lonely and sad. All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today. It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time. And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past. I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.
That’s a lonely feeling. So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside. But I’m trying.
I have to make myself get into social environments. I can’t drive at night because I can’t see. The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.
Roar Like A Lion
Living a life in fear
Is like dying
You feel like your dead inside
You don’t want to leave your house
You don’t want to be in crowd
You just want to be alone and feel safe.
What kind of life is this?
What am I going to do with the rest if my life
For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick. I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification. I feel useless and not needed.
The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends? No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls. I feel like they don’t want to be around me. I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships. Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group. And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them. The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie. They want something for free and that tics me off.
I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway. I’m crazy they think. I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life. So I’m alone.
Vickie Hibler Photography©
It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar. I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything. There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia. I’m doom.
I don’t want to feel alone. Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life. I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember. I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people. What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk? I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors. It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends? Not one true friend.
I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me. I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t put myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong. Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean.
An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong. He’s my only son so it makes it even worse. I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.
This is just the beginning of catching up. Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.
I’m open to any suggestions or comments. 🙂
Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)
Another evening of no sleep. I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall. But, all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot. It’s giving me an all new outside world. It’s given me the gift of listening again. I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.
I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about. But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.
I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like. I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend. Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.
Now, I want it all. I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years . Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how. I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship. But, they’re the easiest to talk to. The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense. I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest. I also want to be on their number 1 list.
So does that mean I will be waiting a long time? Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.
Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life. As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage. Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one. Experiment until you find the one for you.
I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me. I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer. I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me. I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.
Today, I feel friendless. No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie. I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook. Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong. Should I just super glue my lips together? Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people? I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.
I keep saying this will get better. I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious. I don’t trust a soul. In the past I was always lied to. Promises were never kept. Always, always abusive. I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like. Therefore, I don’t know how to act. I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.
I’ll keep work at it by writing.
Yesterday, and today, I feel like I have no friends. Like everyone has abandoned me. Did I do something wrong? Am I imagining it?
I see the people I know having all kinds of fun. I see my guy friend having fun with the girls in our photography group without me. I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m feeling really left out and alone. It may be nothing, but I don’t like this gut terrifying feeling I am having.
The one thing that I haven’t done in a long time I’m doing now. Drinking. It’s my way of curbing the hurt I’m feeling. I don’t like feeling this way, not a bit. I can’t sleep and I obsess. So what do I do?
My week – went to the beach by myself, ate at my favorite restaurant by myself, went to the beach for the sunset by myself and tonight I’m all alone wishing I wasn’t.
So tell me is it this bipolar and my obsessive imagination? I just wish for once my life was satisfying and fulfilled! Just once. I need a friend.