Acceptance

Rose-antiquesigThere are many things that happen in our life that aren’t fair – illness, or injury.  Accepting these situations means focusing your strength and energy on letting go of yourself to God, and he’ll see you through the hard times,  Or let the anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity destroy you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

–Proverbs 3:5-6

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DOCTORS, THANK GOODNESS FOR GOD

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography-copying is prohibited

THE BAD

I have been experiencing a lot of physical problems, but maybe it’s all in my head.  That’s the way the doctors make me feel when I tell them about my issues.

I’ve been experiencing headaches, dizziness, fading out, falling, unbalanced, shortness of breath, heart beating rapidly, and my hip-joint pain. Did I mentioned Vertigo? The doctors just say it’s the medication I take. That’s good so why do you give them to me?

It just seems that doctors don’t care anymore.  Or, may since I’m a senior they think it’s all in my head. Could it be? Sometimes I think it is, but I know me better then they do.  I’m just about to give up on doctors. I’m tired of them making me feel worse before I got to the appointment.  It’s a horrible feeling when there’s no one listening or willing to help.

At a bad time in my life, I was hinting to family and friends about the way I was feeling – hurt, lonely and depressed.  I lost my long relationship and my son went in the army for 6 years.  I was scared and alone. They didn’t hear me.  I started binge drinking and attempted suicide.  I just didn’t care anymore.  I went to rehab for 6 weeks and it  was the worse experience I ever had.  All they do is drug you up so you want cause any trouble.

THE GOOD

5 years ago I stopped drinking and smoking – cold turkey.  Looking back, I now know it was a God thing. He intervened and saved me. That’s one of the  things I have found good in my life is finding God again.  Although, I looked to him in the past, I never really felt he heard me.  Now I do.  Besides the the physical ailments.  My soul is feeling good.

We should understand that God’s purpose for you will be revealed to you overtime.  God will reveal to you in his own time and place.  Be looking for him.

Giving Back Gives Back to You

I'm Free!

I’m Free!

I get so tired of sitting home and feeling sorry for myself.  Plus, the days fly back and you wonder where the days went.  You ask yourself, “What am I do with myself? Life is just passing me by.”  I’ve been staying close to home with no social life.  I use to be very outgoing and loved to have fun and flirt!  But abuse torn me down and have been living a low profile, low self-esteem, and numb life.

However, I’m now trying to make my life better.  It’s been hard with so many health issues but I felt like volunteering would help me.  And it has.  I feel so good about myself.  I work at a hospital every week – one day in the emergency room helping and listening to the patients.  I realize I’m not alone in my pain.  It’s an awakening that my life could be worse.  I also volunteer at the American Red Cross doing events, and working on the blood mobile. Both are helping others.

I’m now back at photography – photographing nature, which relaxes me.  I love the outdoors!  Great therapy!

In summary, I’m begging you, get off your butt and do something that helps others.  Maybe there’s a hobby you have been wanting to try – do what makes you feel good, it can make a total difference in your life.

It took me awhile to get the guts to do it, but I prayed, and received the strength to move on with my life.

 

What am I going to do the rest of my life?

I ask this question every day.  It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting.  My life is so lonely and sad.  All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today.  It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time.  And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past.  I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.

That’s a lonely feeling.  So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside.  But I’m trying.

I have to make myself get into social environments.  I can’t drive at night because I can’t see.  The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.

Roar Like A Lion

Roar Like A Lion

Living a life in fear

Is like dying

You feel  like your dead inside

You don’t want to leave your house

You don’t want to be in crowd

You just want to be alone and feel safe.

What kind of life is this?

What am I going to do with the rest if my life

Survive….

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

Bipolar & ADD: I Tend to Isolate

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar.  I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything.   There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia.  I’m doom.

I don’t want to feel alone.  Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life.  I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember.  I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people.  What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk?  I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors.  It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends?  Not one true friend.

I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me.  I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t  put myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong.  Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean. 

An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my  son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong.  He’s my only son so it makes it even worse.  I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.

This is just the beginning of catching up.  Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.

I’m open to any suggestions or comments. 🙂

Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.