Acceptance

Rose-antiquesigThere are many things that happen in our life that aren’t fair – illness, or injury.  Accepting these situations means focusing your strength and energy on letting go of yourself to God, and he’ll see you through the hard times,  Or let the anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity destroy you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

–Proverbs 3:5-6

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Forgiveness is My New Journey to Happiness

Vickie Hibler Photography "My New Journey"

Vickie Hibler Photography
“My New Journey”

I’ve been struggling for years to forget my past. i have had such angry and couldn’t trust anyone that I’ve never gotten into another relationship.

I wish I could have said a long time ago “Forgive him for he did not know what he was doing.” (Luke 23:35)  If I had forgiven, I would not have harbored so much anger and hatred for 37 years.  For years I didn’t have faith in God.  But things changed when I listen to my intuition and I knew it was him.

Forgiveness, takes more strength than I have. It’ll take God’s strength. I took his hand and something happened. I opened my heart up to him and let him in. I don’t feel that anger anymore.  I want to find love again.

I’m taking a new path to a new life’s journey.

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.  No roommates at all.  Just living by myself.  No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.  Just complete silence and getting to know myself.  Today was the ultimate.   He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place he was moving from.  Today he got a call from the x roommates asking him to get the rest of  his stuff out so that another person can move it.   Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.  Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.   He was so angry so guess who it took it out on?  I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone he was going to move all on his own.  The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff to storage.  It took a couple of trips.  He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because he was still angry.  He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess with me while I’m angry.” “Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.  I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”   I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.  He’s in his room and I’m in mine.  What’s going to happen tomorrow?

Bipolar vs Bipolar

I’m saying that because my close guy friend and I are both Aries and both Bipolar.  Boom!  Yes, two strong personalities trying to get along.  Both feeling they’re right all the time.

It’s funny when we’re together doing our photography shoots we have a great time.  The problem?  Everything ticks him off!  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I thought I was bipolar! He really is!  His a time bomb!  Yesterday, I finally told him to knock it off!   His voice gets louder, plus he has rapid talk (manic).  My head felt like it was going to explode!  I finally put my hands over my ears.  He asked,  “What ‘s the problem?”  “You’re always complaining, and complaining!” I said.  Nobody can do anything right in your eyes.  I couldn’t shut his car door right.  I couldn’t put the strap on my camera right.  “People are so stupid,” he would say.  I keep telling myself it’s his illness that’s all.  I’m very sensitive to noise.  I can’t be in a crowded space with everyone talking at one time. And loud noise really makes me nervous.

This guy can be very nice.  He teaches me so much about digital photography and he helped me get my photos and frames together for the upcoming art show. We use to be intimate, but decided it wasn’t a good idea and just remain friends.   Yesterday I almost told him to get lost.  But, I told myself not to react.  I have a tendency to do that when I get angry and then I regret it.

One positive note is we can talk about our illness together and we understand it.  I can feel comfortable being myself without being careful how I act or what I say.  Because sometimes I can say stupid things without knowing it.

So, what do I do when he rants and complains about what other people do or even what I do?  Ignore him?  Thanks for letting me vent.

Bipolar: Gone Missing

Three years ago I moved in with my parents to take care of them – both with Alzheimer’s.  As days went buy I became depressed isolating myself in the back room waiting for my name to be called.  I was called to fix the TV, cell phone, ext. The memory of both of my parents was getting worse.  I was having a hard time with this.  The problem, I stop taking care of myself.  I went in depression as well as mania.  I started having delusions, my creativity went south, and my anger increased.  I couldn’t write any more because my brain was blank.  I stop creating jewelry because I couldn’t come up with an idea.

I decided after a couple of years it was time for me to get a life.  Time for my brother to take over.  It was a hard decision, but I did move to North Carolina where my son lives. It was a risky decision having bipolar.  I have Bipolar 1 and major in manic.  It was real scary and very really guilty leaving my parents.

I will be writing my story about how bipolar/manic is effecting me today.  I  hope to keep writing – it’s been a long since I have.  I just haven’t felt like it and I’ve had brain was just on standby.  I’ve learned about bipolar by doing research and meeting other bipolar people.  I also see my medication doctor on a daily basis as well as a therapist.