The Madness Takes Over – Yikes!

evil eyeBe! prepared I’m going to rant

I’m a mount of confusion.  I can’t think straight or make a decision on something I either want to buy or do. When this happens I get stressed and anxious.  This whole week has been stressful trying to make decisions 1) on where I want to go on vacation.  Yes that simple. 2) What camera do I really want ?  The evil eye is upon me.

I’d make 5 reservations to different hotels and locations because I couldn’t make up my mind. then I would question myself is this really where I want to stay, and is this really where I want to go?  I sometimes think money grows on trees.

All of this boiled up in me and I exploded.  Sweating, confused, anxious. It was so bad I ran out of the house, got in the car and raced to get some wine.  I was so happy that the bad feelings went away.  But guess what?  It all came back the next day.

I let the vacation sit for a few days and did some research. When I finally calmed down I asked myself what have I always wanted to do on a trip? I wanted to see waterfalls, stay in a cabin and make great photography. It was really by accident that I came across a cabin in the mountains with waterfalls. Yes, that’s it!  I booked it so fast my head spinned.  As my luck is the owner emailed me and said someone had already booked that cabin.  Rats!   But, he said he had another one a little nicer and would give it to me for the same price.  Yea!

On the other side – I’m not happy with the camera I bought – a Canon Rebel T5.  I don’t like it as much as the Nikon I had.  I couldn’t afford a new one so I immediately got on ebay and search for a used Nikon D90 and bought a new 18-105 f2.8 lens. No the megapixels aren’t that great but they were in those days.   I was using this Canon and I couldn’t figure out something so I lost my patience and got frustrated.  I need another camera!  If I don’t watch it I’ll have 4 or 5 cameras until I’m satisfied.

With ADD and manic depression decision-making is difficult especially getting older. My mind just spins out of control.  We need to just stop the madness and realized things will work out. It will make you sick..   Sometimes I wish I smoked again.

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What am I going to do the rest of my life?

I ask this question every day.  It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting.  My life is so lonely and sad.  All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today.  It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time.  And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past.  I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.

That’s a lonely feeling.  So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside.  But I’m trying.

I have to make myself get into social environments.  I can’t drive at night because I can’t see.  The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.

Roar Like A Lion

Roar Like A Lion

Living a life in fear

Is like dying

You feel  like your dead inside

You don’t want to leave your house

You don’t want to be in crowd

You just want to be alone and feel safe.

What kind of life is this?

What am I going to do with the rest if my life

Survive….

Bipolar vs Bipolar

I’m saying that because my close guy friend and I are both Aries and both Bipolar.  Boom!  Yes, two strong personalities trying to get along.  Both feeling they’re right all the time.

It’s funny when we’re together doing our photography shoots we have a great time.  The problem?  Everything ticks him off!  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I thought I was bipolar! He really is!  His a time bomb!  Yesterday, I finally told him to knock it off!   His voice gets louder, plus he has rapid talk (manic).  My head felt like it was going to explode!  I finally put my hands over my ears.  He asked,  “What ‘s the problem?”  “You’re always complaining, and complaining!” I said.  Nobody can do anything right in your eyes.  I couldn’t shut his car door right.  I couldn’t put the strap on my camera right.  “People are so stupid,” he would say.  I keep telling myself it’s his illness that’s all.  I’m very sensitive to noise.  I can’t be in a crowded space with everyone talking at one time. And loud noise really makes me nervous.

This guy can be very nice.  He teaches me so much about digital photography and he helped me get my photos and frames together for the upcoming art show. We use to be intimate, but decided it wasn’t a good idea and just remain friends.   Yesterday I almost told him to get lost.  But, I told myself not to react.  I have a tendency to do that when I get angry and then I regret it.

One positive note is we can talk about our illness together and we understand it.  I can feel comfortable being myself without being careful how I act or what I say.  Because sometimes I can say stupid things without knowing it.

So, what do I do when he rants and complains about what other people do or even what I do?  Ignore him?  Thanks for letting me vent.

My Fear Kept Me From Reaching My Dreams

In Fear We Hide Within Ourselves

I’ve lived in fear most of my life.  I was fearful in my abusive marriage, and I feared getting a divorce.  I was scared of raising my son on my own.

I raised my son until he was 9 years old.  I became ill and had a hard time taking care of him. So I made the decision of letting my son go live Dad.  I feared his dad, because he had abused me when we were married.  Not only did I feel fear, but anger as well.  It worked out being a good decision letting my son go. I felt terrible quilt and feared he may get mad at me for letting him go.

I moved on taking care of my illness to the point I almost lost my life. The doctor’s said I shouldn’t have survived.  I felt God was there and decided it wasn’t my time – he had more work for me to do.

I had so many dreams, but mostly for my son to do well with his life.  However, without him I felt so lost and lonely. I wanted to fulfill my dreams and I had a long road a  head of me.  I wanted to have my own little business, grand children, a cottage on the beach, my health to be stable, and photography.

I studied intuition and learned how to use it.  If you want to be free of fear you need to move on with your life and put trust into God’s hands.  We use fear to protect ourselves, but it’ also holding you back from your dreams.  The only way to pursue your dreams is to step beyond your limits of your fears.  Having fear is being afraid to fail.  Having fear prevented me from reaching my dreams. 

Now, I have moved on.  I still have fears, but I’m not afraid to take risks.  I have God in my corner and I listen to my intuitions.  Hint:  Intuition – the voice you hear when your trying to make a decision. Your hearing a voice say “go with door #1”, but you go with the 2nd door.  You should have listen – door #2 was the wrong choice. 

Fear has a way of controlling your thoughts not allowing you to move forward in life. Break the seal and move out of your comfort zone.  It’s the only way to fulfill your dreams and be successful.

Living with Parents Who Have Dementia

I don’t know about you but the bipolar is getting to me.  These last two weeks have been a bummer.  I’ve been down.  I mean down.  I get tired easy.  I take long naps and just sit and stare at the TV.  I’m not keeping up with my eBay store.   The house has been very stressful and dark.

My mom who has bipolar and dementia has been a handful.  I decided that she complains about her pains to get attention.  When we finally made her go to the doctor she was fine.  The doctor wanted to do some GI tests and she said NO.  She just wants to lay around, moan, and complain and drink her wine.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this has been difficult for me. The stress is threatening my sobriety.  I told my mom this and she said, “Well, if you drink my wine you will have to get me some more.”  I said, Mom, I’m more concerned about myself than your wine. It’s your wine that’s threatening my health.”  I was so hurt.  She just set there and looked blank. That’s what she does.  Around 3pm she gets her first glass of wine and sits and stares at the TV.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my mom but it’s getting out of control.  This morning she said, “Your dad gets mad at me when I tell him I’m not feeling well.”  I couldn’t help it but I said, “Well your never feeling good.”  We never know when you are or not.  It’s like cry wolf.”

Mom also gets mad at dad because he wants her to cook something for lunch.  She doesn’t cook dinner.  Lunch is opening a bag of stir fry, heating it up, stirring and serving it.  Then she goes and gets back in her chair.  She eats in her room and dad eats alone.

It’s really a sad situation and it breaks my heart. Dad sits in his recliner in the den watching his TV, and mom sits in her recliner in her bedroom watching her TV.   Dad feels alone and lonely. Two separate feelings.   He has vascular dementia none of this is easy.

The most difficult problem is when we discuss a problem or situation they never remember what’s said.  It’s as if I need to take notes.  I do make sure all the doctor appointments are documented, when blood tests were done, & when the next blood test is scheduled. Also, I have to keep track of their medicines.  They both take about 11-14 pills a day each.  Dad is pretty good taking his.  It’s a ritual for him every morning.

Mom hates taking pills. Sometimes she forgets on purpose and when she runs out doesn’t she doesn’t tell me.  I have to make sure I keep track of that.  It’s a full-time job!

Then, there’s me.  I have Bipolar, early stages of Dementia, Hepatitis C, Hypertension, and the list goes on.  I have a hard time taking care of me.

So why am I down?  I don’t know you tell me.

What is it – Bipolar or Dementia? Confused!

I have a dilemma – Is it Bipolar or Dementia?  Both run in the family.  Just recently and over night I have become a caregiver for both my mom who has dementia and bipolar and dad, who was okay.  Mom has been getting worse and my dad just a month ago had a bad fall and suddenly my life changed in a split second.  My dad was walking across the parking lot then – BAM!  He fell flat on his face with the results of looking like Rocky.   He was sent to the hospital then home and then back again – he became delusional. I took him back to the hospital where he got worse and worse resulting in an onset of Alzheimer’s /dementia.  I had to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and pray a lot.  Why did this happen?  Everything fell apart.  What do we do?  My brother and I stressed and quickly got together all papers – living will, will, finances, etc. Things we were not prepared for.  After a few weeks we had to put him in a nursing home for rehabilitation.  He had forgotten how to work, his speech was bad, and had no idea what had happen.  He didn’t even know who mom was.

After a week in the nursing home he had a stroke and was again sent to the hospital.  There, he thought he had gone on a helicopter ride with a lot of people and taken to this big building where the ceiling dropped and black dust was dropped on them.  I told him that sounded more like aliens.  He said, Well, maybe so.”

He was returned to the nursing home and is still there.  He may come home in a week.  I’m not ready.

Since all this has happen Mom has gotten worse. Crying all the time and her mania and dementia have gotten worse.  She’s even drinking more. I’m afraid for her and I have a fear that some day it will hit me if it hasn’t already.  Being an alcoholic myself makes this difficulty for me.

I’ve had to hold myself together.  It is very hard to sit and listen to my dad because he is so angry and blames people for taking his money.  It was decided that I move in – there was no other way.  Mom can’t drive, walk or make her own decisions and when dad comes home he will be disabled.  They can not stay alone together.  That could mean disaster.

As mentioned in another Blog, I have taken myself off medication for bipolar and hormones and trying to treat myself with healthy food and exercise.  It seems to be working but I slip sometimes.  The hot flashes the mania and depression.  Also, my unemployment benefits have been exhausted and will not receive any funds.  So now I’m working about 28 hours or less making 6.55 an hour.  The hours may be shortened depending on the situation at home.  I will be the cook, maid, nurse, and housekeeper.  Do I have the strength to do all this?  I find no help from other members of the family.  They have disappeared.

With all that’s going on with my parents, I don’t have time to take care of me. So I’m struggling.  I have to be strong for both of my parents.  If I fall – all will fall.

Bipolar-Stay Busy! WRITE FOR THERAPY!

I’m learning more and more about Bipolar and it interest me.  Why? I have it.  Yes, I’m admitting I have it.  Before, I couldn’t do that.  I was embarrassed and felt ashamed.  I had a disability and I didn’t want anyone to know.  But then I realized, hey, I have a reason to be crazy. I have bipolar.  It’s not my fault.  It’s a disease just like alcoholism.  The problem with Bipolar is you never know when it’s going to attack unless you learn the triggers.  I’ve been paying attention to this to see what triggers me to drink and what triggers the mania.

I’ve been selected to participate in a study at UT Southwestern on bipolar.  I was so excited when they told me that I was accepted.  I said, “Bless the Lord!”  It may not mean much to someone else, but it meant a hell of a lot to me.  Not having insurance and not having the proper care has kept me in a whirlwind, and now I have a chance.  They started me out on Lithium for 2 weeks and they gave me another pill.  The reason I say that is I don’t know if I’m taking the real thing. Bummer!  The study drug is suppose to stop the craving of alcohol.  It’s been two weeks since I started taking it and I don’t feel any different.  Now, I haven’t drank as much and I think that’s because I have to get up at 4:30am for work till 3:00pm then I go home and work on my business.  So I think I’m on a roll.  Making myself too busy to drink, but I’m afraid that I’ll get burned out and do some binge drinking.  I love my red wine.  Darn! There goes that negative thought.  STOP IT!

I’ve been reading a book by Monica Raminez Basco, PHD, called “The Bipolar Workbook – Tools for Controlling your Mood Swings.”  This book tool that actually gave me confirmation on my disease.  It’s very informative. 

There’s a question – Can bipolar cause depression and mania at the same time?  I would say yes.  For me it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I feel high on life and then boom!  If anything upsets me or I get stressed out OR something isn’t getting done – there I go!  I can get mad and feel like I want to tear someones head off. 

Do you think medications are needed to control bipolar?  I really hate taking meds but I’ve been on medicines since I was in my early 20’s.  However, I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until it was too late in life that.  Doctors just gave me a prescriptions for Valium, celexa, lexapro or anything that a doctor felt like giving me at the time.  No wonder my body is chemically unbalanced.   That’s why I’m happy about this study.

Yesterday, I was really tired because I woke up around 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was feeling anxious, tired confused and very disorganized.  I hate feeling disorganized – I can’t find anything and that’s a biggy fo rme.  I can’t take not being able to find something.  Sometimes it gets so back I actually act crazy!  I feel crazy!  It’s like – It was here just a minute ago!  One time I actually blamed a ghost for getting it.  WOW!

I feel you can stop the symptons of bipolar by first accepting and realizing that you have bipolar. Figure out what triggers your bipolar.  Go through the steps to get help by getting on the right medications.  If you have problems with alcohol, which some bipolar cases have, they can help you with that.  There ‘s help out there you just have to look for it.

I’m a firm believer that writing for therapy helps.  You have the opportunity to write out everything that triggers your mania on paper and you can go back and read it and you’ll realize a lot.  I’ve been told that when I’m in mania mode that I talk alot, slur my words, my hands move all over the place, I move real fast, get angry easy and shappy.  I also imagine that people are talking about me.  Being in a room with a lot of people in a small area with a lot of loud talking can drive me loony.

Try writing.  You don’t have to be a professional writer or journalist.  Just be you. That’s why I started writing in blogs.  I write in journals why not a blog.  Let it out – let everyone know what you have and you’re not afraid to tell any one.  Let it out and tell us what pisses you off!  Write it!