When Is It Enough? Guardian Angel For Help!

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) Native American Guardian Angel

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) My Guardian Angel

No, I’m not trying to be weird.  My background heritage is Native American on both sides of my family.  I share their religious beliefs.  I actually think it helps me.

About 6 months or more ago my father fell  and ended in the hospital almost comatose for a week – he did not know where or who he was.  Then, he was in the nursery home for 3 months.  My mom can’t drive so my time was spent driving back and forth from the hospital everyday.  When he came home I fed him and took care of him until he felt, well, he said he felt better. He wasn’t.  He had develop Dementia/Alzheimer’s – He was a totally different person. To him, I was the black sheep.  I couldn’t do anything right. He blamed me for everything that went wrong.  Even stealing his money.  I had to go through that and handle my bipolar at the same time.  All I did was cry.  I’m crying again.

Recently, I had a wreck.  I was lost at the time and was very confused and got distracted so BAM – I hit someone.  I’m also going through bankruptcy.   You’ll laugh at this.  My car was going to be repossessed so I decided to file bankruptcy so they couldn’t take my car.  HA!  They can have it now!

I wonder how much I can take?

We took dad to he hospital again two days ago.  The doctors told us that he had a blood clot on his foot.  They’re not sure if it’s from the Stroke he suffered while in the nursing home, or his heart.  They’ll be doing some test tomorrow to find out.  The doctor told me today that his Alzheimer’s/Dementia has escalated.  This did not thrill me.

What does this mean? I’ll be losing my life.

I need medical attention myself.  My right foot is painful to walk on.  I had bunion surgery and they found a cyst in the joint of my big toe.  Now, I have developed osteoarthritis where it’s  painful to walk barefooted.  I have to use a cane to walk.

When is there enough?

Today, I had terrible bipolar thoughts going through my mind.  I actually said, why don’t you just fall in the hallway here in the hospital and let someone take care of you.  It was a thought only.

I have to do what I got to do.  I say the Serenity Prayer and then I  ask God to please help me and guide me through this ordeal.

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Roadblocks of Life Can Make You Stronger

Silence is Calm
Silence is Calm

It seems like every time I turn around something else is happening in my life.  Having bipolar is not fun – it takes every bit of guts to try and be strong.  My memory hasn’t been good lately and I have so much going on in my life. I actually run my own little business and it takes every concentration that I have.  Yes, I make mistakes, but we do learn from them.  Let’s see where should I start.

1) Bipolar

2) Hepatitis C

3) High Blood Pressure

4) Over the Border Diabetes’s

4) Hyperkalemia (high potassium)

5) Osteoarthritis

Plus, I’m having swelling in my legs and feet   Eight years ago, I had my bunions removed.  The doctor found cysts in my big toe joint, additionally I had osteoarthritis.  Today, it’s painful to walk on my right food.  I have to use a cane.

I broke my leg about 10 years ago – fibula, tibia and my ankle.  It’s now giving me problems.  Let’s see what else?

I committed myself to the mental hospital.  I was very depressed and lonely and started drinking every day and night.  I finally lost and tried to cut myself, but I felt an intervention so I stopped and called the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Yes, I’ve had a hard life and that’s not all of it.  No wonder I have bipolar, right?

I couldn’t cry before when I was drinking too much.  I was numb.  I was angry and I didn’t care.  That’s changed.

It’s okay to cry – it’s okay to feel.  That’s the way I feel.  All the stuff that has happened in my life has actually made me a stronger person.  I’ve been up and over the mountain so many times.  I just say if it’s meant to be so be it.

I cry for others when I see them so torn apart they cannot live in the existence.   I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t be strong.  Oh, there were times that I went out of control and hide.  Threatened to do something drastic, but every time something would intervene.  Then I decided it was my God who was looking over me.  That’s how I’ve been living my life.

I cry for me only when I don’t listen to the soft whispers in my ear. It’s the voice of My God.