Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.¬† It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.¬† I was a little fearful, but made it.¬† I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.¬† I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.¬†¬†My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t¬† function those hours.¬† Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of¬†just not getting it, and¬†that I would be to fat (I’m not).¬† I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.¬† Mainly, no self-confidence.¬†¬† I made myself do it.¬† I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.¬† I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.¬† I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.¬† I did find someone to ask¬†then things got better.¬† I didn’t know anyone.¬† This made it a little more scary.¬† I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.¬†¬†I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.¬†¬† I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me¬†understand the directions or even hear them.¬†(I have bad¬†hearing)¬† I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something.¬†If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que. ¬†I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you¬†I learned.¬† For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.¬† It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.¬†¬†I’ve¬†missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.¬† But now I’m fighting back.¬† I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill¬†your life.¬†They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.¬† I also added¬†a couple of¬†new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

Bipolar or Normal

I’ve been feeling¬†¬†I have been creating scenarios in my mind that are there¬†or not be there.¬† My problem is when I send someone an email or text message I expect a response back soon.¬† If I didn’t email or text it wouldn’t have been important.¬†That’s how I feel.¬†You would think they (MEN) would know it to.¬† I have a big show coming up and my guy friend that I’ve had an around¬†for a wild hasn’t been very nice.¬† He hasn’t responded¬†to any emails since Thursday.¬† My questions – are you coming over to¬†help me out with my hanger, mats, etc?¬† (We have to deliver our art work Tuesday.) Are we going to the reception together or should I get someone else to take me?

I haven’t heard a word!¬† So, I’m getting anxious, as usual, and just about to take on matters myself.¬† Plus, I’m thinking of asking someone else to go as my escort to this event.

Monday, tomorrow, is the only day for preparation and I need some things.¬† I don’t have a car so I’m going to bus it tomorrow to take care of things, because I can depend on anyone.

These are always my thoughts – I can’t depend on anyone.¬† I never¬†have.¬† I’ve been let down so much that I can’t trust anyone.¬† When they ask¬†why I went ahead on my own to take care of things I just say – I can’t depend on you and that usually ends that relationship. I’m the most impatient person on this earth!¬† It kills me!

Are these bipolar ways or am I being normal.

My guy friend, photographer, has been a good teacher, friend, and sometimes lover up until now.¬† He took me out for my birthday, which no on else planned. He also wanted to stay the night.¬† I was hesitant. But I’m a 60 year old lonely woman.¬† Now, I’m feeling like a used woman.¬† I don’t know! I’m just so damn confused.¬† This is why I don’t get involved.¬† I don’t know how to do anything except take pictures.

Thanks for listening.