Does God Have a Plan



I always wonder why I was dealt a raw hand.  It seems all  my life nothing really good has come out of it.  Exceptions – my son, my dog, my camera and now the beach.  My high school years was a struggle because of my ADD and Bipolar that I didn’t  know I had because no one knew what it was back in the 60’s and 70’s.

Jobs? I had a lot of them.  My first real job was a well-known oil and gas company.    It was good until I started having black outs leading to very high blood pressure. I got on some good meds for it. But I also got involved with the wrong people and started drinking and drugging and then got fired from that job.

I got out of that phase and then was lucky to land several great jobs for the next 10 years until my depression hit again. My 5 year relationship ended after 5 years and  my son went into the army for 6 years. I thought my world had come to an end.

I was having trouble in my jobs – I was losing things, my grammar and writing were terrible, and I flew off my handle easily. Supervisors would keep complaining and put me on notice. I could understand what was going on.  But I got to the point I didn’t care. I would drink to make everything go away.  This continue until I wanted to end  my life.  However, I didn’t.  I had intervention. I searched for help for my depression and I found out other things about me.

That was the start of god coming into my life.  That’s when I started listening to my intuition and realized it was actually god whispering in my ears.  That’s when god was using others as a vessel to talk to me   God saved my life many times. But I still wonder why I have bad luck. After being alone for 50 years you would think I would meet someone.  I moved so often.  In fact just recently, I was told to leave from a very nice cottage on the beach that I thought was the one for me.  I was depressed and didn’t know where I was going to go.  I prayed for a miracle and it came. Within a day, I got an email from a lady wanting a roommate in a two-story beach house.  I keep asking God when is the testing going to stop – when are you going to let me settle? I think He is searching for the right place that will  for the plans he has for me. We were placed on this earth for a reason and one and I’m slowing see the picture.  I just hope it happens before I leave this earth.

I can only live from day-to-day because I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  I feel like a vagabond.


September 14 – Feeling Shakey – Bad News

I feel so shaky and weird.  I’m so tired and just can’t get into working on my business stuff.  I haven’t had anything to drink so I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.  Maybe it’s the Lithium or maybe its the research drug.  The research people gave me a higher dose so maybe.  However, the dilemma is I don’t know if it’s the real thing or just a sugar pill.  Being in this research study could be a bad 

I don’t want to let my business slide – it’s too important to me.  I’ve got to get a handle on all this.  I’m trying to make everything in my life to go smoothly and that’s a lot!

All day I felt like I was going to run into the wall.  I felt drunk! I was swaggering while I was walking and tripping over my own feet.  My nerves were twitching and , which is really bothering me.  I’m having a hard time writing this because my hands have the tremors.  Maybe I’m having withdrawals.  But from which drug?  Alcohol, Trazadone, Prozac?  I’ve stopped taking my Trazadone which is a anti anxiety drug that I have been taking for over 10 years.  Prozac, I’ve been taking for 2 years. And then there’s the alcohol – on and off for over 30 years with a few binges here and there.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  I don’t usually get up in the middle of the night.  Here in the last few days I’ve had bad dreams and wake up occasionally.

My brain has not been motivated and I’ve got to get it there.  Any suggestions? I’ve noticed that my writing is terrible today – sorry