Over the last 6 months or longer I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain, forgetfulness, cloudy head, poor eyesight, and dizziness (vertigo). I really feel bad.
It was time for me to get my medications refilled, but first, I had to get a new psychiatrist. I did not like the last one. She didn’t spend too much time with me and kept wanting to experiment on me. Sometimes she would forget what I was taking.
I met with the new doctor last week and at first I didn’t think I would like him.He seemed mean. I’m very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easy. I know I know – tough skin. We went over my meds and he kept shaking his head. His diagnosis – I have bipolar, I do have ADD, Depression. But, I’ve been given the wrong treatment. I’m not taking enough Lithium to help but enough to cause harm to my mind and body. My blood pressure Hydrochlorothiazide and “water pill” increases the level of lithium My body is actually being poisoned by interaction of the two. He will be changing the Lithium out, as well as, antidepressants, which I’m taking two of and shouldn’t be. The medications are causing weight gain and body aches, along with other symptoms. Lithium can cause kidney problems which I already have.
Summary: I’ve been given the wrong medications and dosages for my mental illness. My mind and body is screwed up. He says I’m in the danger zone. I have not been treated for bipolar this whole time. For my ADD, I’ve been given Adderall and was told it was like adding fuel to the fire.
Now, after all these years of wasted time I’ll be starting over on my Bipolar treatment. It really ticks me off – after all these years my life has been wasted because doctors weren’t treating me, but experimenting on me.
A month ago. my landlord asked that I move by June 1st. Reason? Wanted to rent my place as a summer rental. I live on a small beach town and it’s very lively during the summer months. She will make 600 a week instead of 600 a month. When I moved to the sq ft cottage I was told I could stay as long as I like. The place was furnished so I sold most of my stuff except my couch, and a lot of clothes.
I was so upset to get the news. I didn’t have the money to move nor the furniture to put it. I panicked and became manic and couldn’t breathe. I called my son and was bawling about what happen. What do I do. I also felt attached by this person. I always feel that way. Like “why are they doing these things to me – I’m a nice person – I don’t understand.” My son always has his way in calming me down. Mom, “I know how you are – It just happened, nothing you can do right now. Things will come a little clearer tomorrow and you know what to do.
All my life bad things happen. I’m always asking why. I haven even remarried since my divorce in 1978. Several relationships but none in the last 6 years. I’m 62 and I don’t think this is going to happen. I guess God is just waiting for the right person. But have to accept there may not be one out there.
My mine did become clearer the next day. I attacked the situation by placing a notice on Facebook in my local area. It came through. A lady was looking for a roommate for a large beach house on the island. I wasn’t thinking that I hate roommates only that I needed a place to stay. My fear of course is not showing her that I have mental illness but a normal person. Can I do this without staying something stupid? Updates coming..
I always wonder why I was dealt a raw hand. It seems all my life nothing really good has come out of it. Exceptions – my son, my dog, my camera and now the beach. My high school years was a struggle because of my ADD and Bipolar that I didn’t know I had because no one knew what it was back in the 60’s and 70’s.
Jobs? I had a lot of them. My first real job was a well-known oil and gas company. It was good until I started having black outs leading to very high blood pressure. I got on some good meds for it. But I also got involved with the wrong people and started drinking and drugging and then got fired from that job.
I got out of that phase and then was lucky to land several great jobs for the next 10 years until my depression hit again. My 5 year relationship ended after 5 years and my son went into the army for 6 years. I thought my world had come to an end.
I was having trouble in my jobs – I was losing things, my grammar and writing were terrible, and I flew off my handle easily. Supervisors would keep complaining and put me on notice. I could understand what was going on. But I got to the point I didn’t care. I would drink to make everything go away. This continue until I wanted to end my life. However, I didn’t. I had intervention. I searched for help for my depression and I found out other things about me.
That was the start of god coming into my life. That’s when I started listening to my intuition and realized it was actually god whispering in my ears. That’s when god was using others as a vessel to talk to me God saved my life many times. But I still wonder why I have bad luck. After being alone for 50 years you would think I would meet someone. I moved so often. In fact just recently, I was told to leave from a very nice cottage on the beach that I thought was the one for me. I was depressed and didn’t know where I was going to go. I prayed for a miracle and it came. Within a day, I got an email from a lady wanting a roommate in a two-story beach house. I keep asking God when is the testing going to stop – when are you going to let me settle? I think He is searching for the right place that will for the plans he has for me. We were placed on this earth for a reason and one and I’m slowing see the picture. I just hope it happens before I leave this earth.
I can only live from day-to-day because I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I feel like a vagabond.
PLEASE IGNORE MY GRAMMAR AN SPELLING – BAD HANDICAP I HAVE.
My Art Opening for my photography was last night. I was so afraid that no one would look at it or like it. My problem is confidence. But, that went away last night during the event. I sold several pieces of photography and some postcards. I was so happy! Not only that but a magazine and newspaper are interest in my work. I sure needed this. It gives incentive to try more and harder. But not over do it.
I have a tendency to overdo something like once I dabbled in jewelry – I spend so much money on findings, beads, and other needed equipment. I bought and bought and bought, and now, I have a box of it I’ll never use. As with photography I needed to be careful in overspending on matting, frames, getting pictures printed – the whole shebang. To put it bluntly I’m a compulsive buyer and that’s why I’m always broke. I wish I had someone who could take my money and teach me wisely. But I’ve always been that way. If I had a dime I would spend.
I just can’t comprehend the importance of not spending. I forget what happens if I spend that dollar unwisely. I forget to write it down, I forget my doctor appointments, and on and on. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. I had many opportunities to have a lot of savings for my future. I spent it all.
Now, how did I get from my Art Gallery opening to doctor appointments. Go figure!
When I get these gut feelings that’s telling me not to do something I’ve learned to listen to it. I remember when I was going through
My Guardian Angel – Astar
hard times before I finally went on medications, I was doing stupid things and making crazy decisions.
I started researching why I was doing the things I’m doing, i.e. drinking, constantly dropping items, going places I shouldn’t, participating in activities that were no good for me. Making decisions is another problem I have. I’d rather someone else make decisions or even shop for me.
I’ve pick the wrong guys all my life – if I’d listen to my intuition I would have never gotten myself in those situations. Recently, I was supposed to go to an event that was 1 hour away down a long country road. That road is dark and scary, especially, when I can’t see in the dark. I had gone to rehearsal one night and coming home I was so terrified. The darkness engulfed me to the point of being panic-stricken. My hands were so red from gripping the steering wheel, and I ran off the road at some point.
My intuition was telling me not to go the event. It was a gut-wrenching feeling so I decided not to go. I feared that something would happen if I had gone. I was sad I didn’t go to the event, but I felt a lot safer. I’m hoping my guardian angel has returned.
Magnolia- copyright 2014
My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark. I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road. I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay. I’m not going to take a chance. My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.
The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it was around 8:30 pm. It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me. I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve. I was so nervous. No I was terrified!
Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or just making the right decision. I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision. If I was putting the event in a bind I would go. But I made sure I had a very good replacement.
This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.
Tonight I’m feeling really old. I went to a rehearsal for a fashion show, and had to climb a flight of stairs up and down, up and down. I don’t like being different from I use to me. I use to be 125 pounds and active. Now I’m 62, and 155 lbs, and not as active and everything hurts.
I haven’t done has much exercise because of the cold and icy days. But I do get on the floor and stretch and do sit ups. However, when I sit a while it takes anchors to get me up. My legs and feet hurt! Why do I hurt? Why do I have to be old.
Don’t dismay I tell myself – it’s going to be Spring soon, and I will be more active and get into better shape. But now just rest and be ready. Do not be hard on yourself my child it’s only the beginning of something great that I have in store for you. You are going to be the best at what you do. Your going to create something magnificent. The best is ahead. These are my words.
Man was that powerful. I do believe it was God who spoke those words. I do believe.