I Apologize For Not Being Present LatelyI

I have been in a whirlwind of life.  Everything has gone so fast but it  has been a medley of dreams that I am experiencing.  But yet I still battle bipolar every day.

Today, I heard someone tell me “She must be bipolar because he seems to be crazy.” ¬†Of course, I didn’t say anything about ¬†myself, but I wanted to. ¬†I always hate that bipolar people are identified as crazy. ¬†It’s not always true. ¬†I have been going to doctors, therapists, staying on medications and anything I can do to keep my illness in control.

I feel that the best thing I ever did was moved to the northeast coast, North Carolina. ¬†It’s beautiful ¬†with the most friendliest¬†people in the world. When I go to doctors, grocery stores, pharmacists, and most stores I feel so welcome. When I lived in Dallas I was afraid to talk to anyone. ¬†Here, I look forward to talk to anyone I can. ¬†It’s been the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had.

My dreams have started to come true. ¬†I’ve always dreamed to be a ¬†popular photographer and ¬†to start a business in photography. I’m starting to see that come true. How did I do that? ¬†I took my medication.

I make sure I get the medications I need. ¬†I never stop taking ¬†them and I always listen to what the doctor says. ¬†I go to therapy to find out what might be causing the ¬†problems. ¬†I feel that I’m not too proud to listen to what doctors have to say.

If you want to get well or maybe to feel normal make sure you see a doctor.  Bipolar is not something that just goes away you need to treat it.  You need to stopped being in denial and reach out for help.

My Life is Becoming FullFilled – But I’m Scared

Just about every time I feel that life is walking a straight line with no curves I have a wreck.¬† I’ve been doing great on my photography, my family is great, and¬†my personal life with my new roommate is working out great!¬† I couldn’t be happier as long as I stayed tamed. ūüôā¬† Over the last two¬† months I’ve been invited to participate in the making of a major movie.¬† I’ve been playing a background extra with a lot of animation and pantomime.¬† In others words when the paramedic asks how I’m doing.¬† I cry and say I’m fine. LOL!

I’m also getting preparing for an upcoming art show where I can display my photography and sell it.¬† Plus, I recently went to a real life fashion show to shoot models in a very dark room.¬† I had no idea what I was doing.¬† I panicked at first, but then I felt like I fit right in.

Staying busy when I can is very valuable to me.¬† Before I got help with¬†my Bipolar I couldn’t concentrate on any thing except what was in front of me.¬† I didn’t want to go out in public out of fear of rejection and not saying the right thing.¬† I always felt so stupid.¬† I may not have the grammar, spelling, speech, or math, but I’m a beautiful person who cares for others. That’s the most important part of ones life.

 

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.¬† I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.¬† Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?¬† I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.¬† I seem calmer.¬† I do have some manic modes, but not like before.¬†If¬†I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.¬† However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like¬†that.¬† My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.¬† I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.¬† I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.¬† I finally asked him why the frown on¬†you face?¬† He said, “I’m tired.”¬† I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”¬† It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.¬† I felt so relieved.¬† With that I went to my bedroom and watched¬†a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.¬† I only get so much each month for¬†social security disability.¬† I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.¬† I’ve never been this low before.¬† I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.¬† I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and¬†sell some photos.¬† I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?

Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.¬† It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.¬† I was a little fearful, but made it.¬† I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.¬† I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.¬†¬†My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t¬† function those hours.¬† Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of¬†just not getting it, and¬†that I would be to fat (I’m not).¬† I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.¬† Mainly, no self-confidence.¬†¬† I made myself do it.¬† I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.¬† I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.¬† I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.¬† I did find someone to ask¬†then things got better.¬† I didn’t know anyone.¬† This made it a little more scary.¬† I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.¬†¬†I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.¬†¬† I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me¬†understand the directions or even hear them.¬†(I have bad¬†hearing)¬† I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something.¬†If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que. ¬†I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you¬†I learned.¬† For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.¬† It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.¬†¬†I’ve¬†missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.¬† But now I’m fighting back.¬† I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill¬†your life.¬†They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.¬† I also added¬†a couple of¬†new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.¬† No roommates at all.¬† Just living by myself.¬† No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.¬†¬†Just complete silence and getting to know myself.¬† Today was the ultimate.¬†¬† He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place¬†he was moving from.¬† Today he got a call from the x roommates asking¬†him to get the rest of¬† his stuff out so that another person can move it.¬†¬† Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.¬† Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.¬†¬† He was¬†so angry so guess who it¬†took it out on?¬† I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone¬†he was going to move all on his own.¬† The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff¬†to storage.¬† It took a couple of trips.¬† He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because¬†he was still angry.¬† He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess¬†with me while I’m angry.”¬†“Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.¬† I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”¬†¬† I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.¬† He’s in his room and I’m in mine.¬† What’s going to happen tomorrow?

New Roommate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe I actually let a friend of my who has bipolar¬†and really manic move in.¬† It’s suppose to be for a little¬†white like 2 weeks, but I bet it will be longer.¬† My friend was in the marines in Iraq and when he¬†got home he was diagnosed¬†with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.¬† He saw bad stuff.¬† He’s on heavy-duty¬†medication, but it seems that his manic is not under control.¬† For instance, when we’re watching TV he sits there and mumbles all the way through the show.¬† Or he talks about who done it all through the show.¬† He’s always¬† talking.¬† I’ve been doing pretty good my not letting it get to me until today.¬† He has a way of irritating me.¬† He’s always right about everything.¬† Any time I say something it’s not right.

Under the circumstances, I think I’m doing pretty good.

I was on 950 mg of Lithium¬†which didn’t agree with me.¬† In the morning I would feel nausea and when I took my pills I would head to the bathroom and lose the pills I had taken.¬† Then came the other part – diarrhea.¬† I thought I wasn’t going to be able to leave the house.

I took myself off that new dose of Lithium and now I’m taking the other two pills differently.¬† One in the morning and one at night.¬† It’s okay.¬† I don’t get manic unless some makes me that way by asking too many questions.¬† Questioning me on whether¬†I’m doing something right.¬† Or, treating me like I don’t know anything.¬† That’s my three pet peeves.

I like my so I’ll do what I can to help him get on his feet.¬† Besides he¬† helps me out around the house and good company on movie night.

Is Lithium Lethal?

Solitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My doctor has had me on lithium for almost two years.¬† After¬†a blood test that shows that I don’t have the right amount of Lithium that I needed to take more.¬† She prescribed Lithium 450m extended release tabs.¬† They were not good for me.¬† I threw up and I was in the bathroom constantly with dirreaha.¬† I told her I just couldn’t take it anymore.¬† Instead, she just added an increase¬†of 150mg to my 600 mg.¬† This doesn’t seem to work either.

With the increase I started gaining weight along with being nauseou, throwing up and having dirreaha again.¬† I just couldn’t take it anymore.¬† I’ve cut back, however I have now lost track on how and when I’m taking the Lithium.¬† I keep asking myself – What would happen if I just quit taking Lithium by slowly weaning myself off of it?¬† How will I be?¬† What if Zoloft is all I need?

Lithium is so toxic I’m afraid that it’s going to make me ill.¬† Yes, it has saved my life, but it could take it as well.

Any one have comments on this?

Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I¬† go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a¬†compulsive spending rampage.¬†¬†¬† The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.¬† Today, I looked at it.¬† I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.¬† My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.¬† This crunched me.¬† I really do forget to watch my money.¬† I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.¬† I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.¬†¬†¬† I just hate dealing with it.¬†¬† If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.¬†¬†and I eat out a lot.¬†¬† My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Friendless

 

Alone

Alone

I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me.¬† I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer.¬† I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me.¬† I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.

Today, I feel friendless.¬† No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie.¬† I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook.¬† Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong.¬† Should I just super glue my lips together?¬†¬† Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people?¬† I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.

I keep saying this will get better.¬† I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious.¬† I don’t trust a soul.¬† In the past I was always lied to.¬† Promises were never kept.¬† Always, always abusive.¬† I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like.¬† Therefore, I don’t know how to act.¬†¬†¬† I know that if¬†there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.

I’ll keep work at it by writing.

 

Manic or Normal

Is This My Brain?

Is This My Brain?

Is spending most of my time on the computer normal?¬† From the time I wakeup in the morning until I decide to go to bed at dead I spent the it on the computer.¬† Whether it be on Facebook, Etsy or here on WordPress.¬† It doesn keep¬†me busy.¬† The problem is there are times that I stay up most of the night on the computer. Is this Manic? Sometimes I don’t know what the difference it.

Is this normal?¬† Do other people do the same thing?¬† You see I think I’m the only one that does this, therefore, I think I’m abnormal.¬† There’s no one to tell me any different.

I’m going to accept the craziness that I do,¬† otherwise, I’ll go bonkers!¬† I feel it’s okay to do something out of the ordinary.¬† Life would be boring.¬† As long as I do it without the normal unsane people around me. ūüôā

Manic or normal?