Is it Bipolar or Intuition

 

Magnolia- copyright 2014

Magnolia- copyright 2014

My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph.  I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark.  I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road.   I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay.  I’m not going to take a chance.  My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.

The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it  was around 8:30 pm.  It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me.  I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve.  I was so nervous.  No I was terrified!

Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or  just making the right  decision.  I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision.  If I was putting the event in a bind I would go.  But I made sure  I  had a very good replacement.

This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.

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What is it – Bipolar or Dementia? Confused!

I have a dilemma – Is it Bipolar or Dementia?  Both run in the family.  Just recently and over night I have become a caregiver for both my mom who has dementia and bipolar and dad, who was okay.  Mom has been getting worse and my dad just a month ago had a bad fall and suddenly my life changed in a split second.  My dad was walking across the parking lot then – BAM!  He fell flat on his face with the results of looking like Rocky.   He was sent to the hospital then home and then back again – he became delusional. I took him back to the hospital where he got worse and worse resulting in an onset of Alzheimer’s /dementia.  I had to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and pray a lot.  Why did this happen?  Everything fell apart.  What do we do?  My brother and I stressed and quickly got together all papers – living will, will, finances, etc. Things we were not prepared for.  After a few weeks we had to put him in a nursing home for rehabilitation.  He had forgotten how to work, his speech was bad, and had no idea what had happen.  He didn’t even know who mom was.

After a week in the nursing home he had a stroke and was again sent to the hospital.  There, he thought he had gone on a helicopter ride with a lot of people and taken to this big building where the ceiling dropped and black dust was dropped on them.  I told him that sounded more like aliens.  He said, Well, maybe so.”

He was returned to the nursing home and is still there.  He may come home in a week.  I’m not ready.

Since all this has happen Mom has gotten worse. Crying all the time and her mania and dementia have gotten worse.  She’s even drinking more. I’m afraid for her and I have a fear that some day it will hit me if it hasn’t already.  Being an alcoholic myself makes this difficulty for me.

I’ve had to hold myself together.  It is very hard to sit and listen to my dad because he is so angry and blames people for taking his money.  It was decided that I move in – there was no other way.  Mom can’t drive, walk or make her own decisions and when dad comes home he will be disabled.  They can not stay alone together.  That could mean disaster.

As mentioned in another Blog, I have taken myself off medication for bipolar and hormones and trying to treat myself with healthy food and exercise.  It seems to be working but I slip sometimes.  The hot flashes the mania and depression.  Also, my unemployment benefits have been exhausted and will not receive any funds.  So now I’m working about 28 hours or less making 6.55 an hour.  The hours may be shortened depending on the situation at home.  I will be the cook, maid, nurse, and housekeeper.  Do I have the strength to do all this?  I find no help from other members of the family.  They have disappeared.

With all that’s going on with my parents, I don’t have time to take care of me. So I’m struggling.  I have to be strong for both of my parents.  If I fall – all will fall.

August 27, 2008 – I Almost Lost My Mine!

This morning was not good.  The alarm on my phone went off at 4:30am, and I came flying out of the bed.  By no means was I ready for this day.  The committee in my mind was going off with all these things I needed to do today and didn’t feel that I had the time.  I started  resenting the idea in going to work and then the biggy happen.  I couldn’t find my wallet!  Something like that throws me over overboard!  My mind was not ready for this.  My manic started to try and take over.  I was ranting and raving looking all over the the house.  Then I thought the worse – someone stoled it.  No way, I had it yesterday – it’s just lost.  That’s what I kept telling myself so my manic self would calm down.  But the committee was ringing in my ears.  I had to get to work.  I looked around the car and under the car.  It was so dark I couldn’t see in the car, but still felt around to see if I I could find it.  Did this all the way to work.  I tried to keep calm and kept telling myself I’m getting upset for nothing I will find it.  My mine or intuition was telling me to calm down that I would find the the wallet.  It’s here somewhere.  Finally, when I got to work I had a feeling that my wallet could be on the other side of the car. So I felt around the bottom of the door and there it was- my wallet.  It sure felt good.  All my anxiety went away.

If I had just been quite and listen I would of heard my intuition talking to me.  It kept saying you will find it, you will find it calm down.  So I finally did.  I’m going to try and practice that for now on.

I  was suppose to go in for therapy today, and then go back on Friday for another session at the doctors.  I was feeling all this anxiety about having to use all my gas and I just don’t have time, blah, blah.  I mean it was really bothering me!  Bipolar people make things bigger than they really are.  We or I, increase my manic by worrying to much about certain issues.  So to stop his madness I called and canceled the therapy today and told them I just couldn’t do it twice this week.  He understood and said see you Friday.  Well that felt good.  

Have a great mental day!

I Blew It!

I had such a wonderful weekend.  I kept myself calm and actually stayed away from the computer as much as possible and watched TV.  I’m addicted to my computer.  Having a EBay store makes you addicted.  I’m always trying new marketing tools, adding new items, research, etc.  There is always something to do.  However, I do enjoy it. 

I was proud of myself because I didn’t drink and when I don’t drink there is no smoke.  I ate well, made some jewelry, took pictures, etc.  It was really great.  I did stumble a little.  When I can’t find something that I know is around I get totally manic.  It drives me crazy!  I know it’s there, but where?  Did that big cockroach take it or did my dog hide it?  I don’t know.  I start going crazy talking to myself and I can feel my insides just churning!  I yell at my sweet dog.  And sometimes what I’m looking for is right in front of me.  I’m always loosing things.  I lost my prescription glasses and had to get to the store to get some readers. I lost my cellphone – that was crazy.   I had it just an hour ago and I know it’s here.  I start getting angry, I start sweating and mumbling to myself.  I know there’s a solution – got to be!

I finally called my mom,when I had a house phone, and told her that I thought my phone was in my car but I couldn’t find it.  I said, “Wait 5 minutes than call my cell.”  I ran down to the car and I heard the phone ringing. “Oh, my god!  It’s here!”  I looked and looked and it kept ringing and then suddenly right in front of my was my phone.  Right in front of me!  I accused the bogeyman of messing with me.

I got off the track on what this entry is about – sorry.

I had a good weekend – I slept great!   Then yesterday – I got this urge.  It wasn’t a urge to drink or smoke it was a urge to just go to the liquor store.  I bought the cheapest red wine.  I wasn’t even thinking really.  I went home and did my eBay thing and wrote.  Then about 6pm I said it was time to sit down and relax.  So I did.  But I didn’t really crave the wine, I just wanted to sit a relax.  Evidently, I associate the wine and smoking and being relaxed.  I need to come up with something else.  Any suggestions.

I feel asleep as usual and woke up at midnight then put myself to bed. 4:30am came rather earlier this morning.  I jumped up when the alarm went off because I needed to get gas, which I should of done yesterday and then go to the bank.  My head started to hurt from the cigarettes and felt a little nervous. 

Now, I’m drinking coffee and writing to you to confess my sins.  I will try to get back on track.  Tomorrow I go to the therapist at the research center and I’m going to confess to her also and ask why I do that.  It’s a bipolar thing.  Mind over matter.  I’m still on Lithium and I’m taking the research drug or sugar pill.  This research drug is suppose to stop the craving.  Hum…

I’ll keep writing today.  I have a work book that I believe I discussed earlier in my blogs that is very helpful and I see myself in a lot of the passages.  It’s concerning cognitive-therapy that I’m doing now at the research center.  The therapist and this book will help me see when my symptoms are appearing and how to control it.  I want to share some more of this.  Come back and talk to me.

By the way I actually wrote the recumbent bike for 30 minutes yesterday and my butt hurts!