ADHD Kicking My Butt

imagesCADYGCO0My parents feel I had ADHD when I was young and that was in the early 60’s through high school and most of my life. However, back in those days they didn’t know what ADHD was.  We just know I had a learning problem.  I couldn’t focus, hyper and my attention span was short. I couldn’t go to college because I could never past the TASP.

Today I feel much smarter.  I google everything I don’t understand like definitions. What is certain lingo on photography, etc.  However, the ADHD is still there.  I had some testing done and it seems it has gotten worse in age.  Things are so much harder. Things I use to know I don’t know.  Like making a square knot.  I can be sitting at a red light and go off in space then wonder where I am.  The only time I’m in focus is photography.  I couldn’t buy one of those Expensive Nikon or Canon cameras with all that computer jigs on it. Too much trouble.  I just want to take a good picture, with great composition and lighting.

I have to deal with ADHD everyday – what day is it, where is my keys, I know I put it there, etc.  I hate it. I don’t drive as much as requested by the doctors.  My car can sit parked for days.  I just do a lot of walking.  I do attend to be anti-social.

I have to deal with my life with no help from anyone as far as support.  I’ve gotten by since the 70’s, living alone.  I’ve had to figure things out myself and it’s hard but it makes me stronger.  I actually feel smarter today because I’m a very curious person, a need to know person.  I google everything.  I can’t read a book but I can google.  Hum…

Don’t give up on life. Pick a hobby and stick with it.  Do the best you can that’s all you can do.

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Is it Bipolar or Intuition

 

Magnolia- copyright 2014

Magnolia- copyright 2014

My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph.  I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark.  I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road.   I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay.  I’m not going to take a chance.  My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.

The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it  was around 8:30 pm.  It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me.  I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve.  I was so nervous.  No I was terrified!

Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or  just making the right  decision.  I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision.  If I was putting the event in a bind I would go.  But I made sure  I  had a very good replacement.

This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.