The Madness Takes Over – Yikes!

evil eyeBe! prepared I’m going to rant

I’m a mount of confusion.  I can’t think straight or make a decision on something I either want to buy or do. When this happens I get stressed and anxious.  This whole week has been stressful trying to make decisions 1) on where I want to go on vacation.  Yes that simple. 2) What camera do I really want ?  The evil eye is upon me.

I’d make 5 reservations to different hotels and locations because I couldn’t make up my mind. then I would question myself is this really where I want to stay, and is this really where I want to go?  I sometimes think money grows on trees.

All of this boiled up in me and I exploded.  Sweating, confused, anxious. It was so bad I ran out of the house, got in the car and raced to get some wine.  I was so happy that the bad feelings went away.  But guess what?  It all came back the next day.

I let the vacation sit for a few days and did some research. When I finally calmed down I asked myself what have I always wanted to do on a trip? I wanted to see waterfalls, stay in a cabin and make great photography. It was really by accident that I came across a cabin in the mountains with waterfalls. Yes, that’s it!  I booked it so fast my head spinned.  As my luck is the owner emailed me and said someone had already booked that cabin.  Rats!   But, he said he had another one a little nicer and would give it to me for the same price.  Yea!

On the other side – I’m not happy with the camera I bought – a Canon Rebel T5.  I don’t like it as much as the Nikon I had.  I couldn’t afford a new one so I immediately got on ebay and search for a used Nikon D90 and bought a new 18-105 f2.8 lens. No the megapixels aren’t that great but they were in those days.   I was using this Canon and I couldn’t figure out something so I lost my patience and got frustrated.  I need another camera!  If I don’t watch it I’ll have 4 or 5 cameras until I’m satisfied.

With ADD and manic depression decision-making is difficult especially getting older. My mind just spins out of control.  We need to just stop the madness and realized things will work out. It will make you sick..   Sometimes I wish I smoked again.

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I did it! I Passed My Test

DSC_0015My Art Opening for my photography was last night.  I was so afraid that no one would look at it or like it.  My problem is confidence. But, that went away last night during the event.  I sold several pieces of photography and some postcards.  I was so happy!  Not only that but a magazine and newspaper are interest in my work.  I sure needed this. It gives incentive to try more and harder. But not over do it.

I have a tendency to overdo something like once I dabbled in  jewelry – I spend so much money on findings, beads, and other needed equipment.  I bought and bought and bought, and now, I have a box of it I’ll never use.   As with photography I needed to be careful in overspending on matting, frames, getting pictures printed – the whole shebang.  To put it bluntly I’m a compulsive buyer and that’s why I’m always broke.  I wish I had someone who could take my money and teach me wisely.  But I’ve always been that way.  If I had a dime I would spend.

I just can’t comprehend the importance of not spending.  I forget what happens if I spend that dollar unwisely. I forget to write it down, I forget my doctor appointments, and on and on.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get it.  I had many opportunities to have a lot of savings for my future.  I spent it all.

Now, how did I get from my Art Gallery opening to doctor appointments.  Go figure!

 

Money Pit

Make My Budget!

Make My Budget!

Do you have problems maintaining your bank statement?  Have a hard time keeping up with your money?  Maybe you don’t feel it’s important.  Yes, I’m talking about me, but it could be you too.

My money is at the bottom of the pit.  I just can’t keep it.  One day it’s there the next it’s gone.   Problem #1 I don’t write down when I use the debit card, #2 I spent it without consideration of my balance in my checking account, #3 I spend it when I get it.  Part of my sickness with Bipolar is being compulsive.

I’ve talked to my family, my therapist, friends, and myself.  What can I do?  I keep praying money will appear from  somewhere.  Maybe win the lottery?  LOL!  Yesterday, a prayer was answered – I finally received my deposit from my previous landlord.  Where’s it going?  My savings account.   My goal is to try to have enough money by the end of the month.  I get one check a month, my disability check.  

I found this link How to Budget Your Money on WiKi   and it looks like an easy system to start a budget.   I started by going through this months statement and dividing what I spend in groups i.e. gas, groceries, bills, restaurants, etc.  This is an easy way to see where your money goes.  I was amazed.

Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.