My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark. I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road. I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay. I’m not going to take a chance. My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.
The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it was around 8:30 pm. It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me. I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve. I was so nervous. No I was terrified!
Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or just making the right decision. I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision. If I was putting the event in a bind I would go. But I made sure I had a very good replacement.
This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.