Be! prepared I’m going to rant
I’m a mount of confusion. I can’t think straight or make a decision on something I either want to buy or do. When this happens I get stressed and anxious. This whole week has been stressful trying to make decisions 1) on where I want to go on vacation. Yes that simple. 2) What camera do I really want ? The evil eye is upon me.
I’d make 5 reservations to different hotels and locations because I couldn’t make up my mind. then I would question myself is this really where I want to stay, and is this really where I want to go? I sometimes think money grows on trees.
All of this boiled up in me and I exploded. Sweating, confused, anxious. It was so bad I ran out of the house, got in the car and raced to get some wine. I was so happy that the bad feelings went away. But guess what? It all came back the next day.
I let the vacation sit for a few days and did some research. When I finally calmed down I asked myself what have I always wanted to do on a trip? I wanted to see waterfalls, stay in a cabin and make great photography. It was really by accident that I came across a cabin in the mountains with waterfalls. Yes, that’s it! I booked it so fast my head spinned. As my luck is the owner emailed me and said someone had already booked that cabin. Rats! But, he said he had another one a little nicer and would give it to me for the same price. Yea!
On the other side – I’m not happy with the camera I bought – a Canon Rebel T5. I don’t like it as much as the Nikon I had. I couldn’t afford a new one so I immediately got on ebay and search for a used Nikon D90 and bought a new 18-105 f2.8 lens. No the megapixels aren’t that great but they were in those days. I was using this Canon and I couldn’t figure out something so I lost my patience and got frustrated. I need another camera! If I don’t watch it I’ll have 4 or 5 cameras until I’m satisfied.
With ADD and manic depression decision-making is difficult especially getting older. My mind just spins out of control. We need to just stop the madness and realized things will work out. It will make you sick.. Sometimes I wish I smoked again.
Magnolia- copyright 2014
My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark. I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road. I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay. I’m not going to take a chance. My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.
The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it was around 8:30 pm. It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me. I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve. I was so nervous. No I was terrified!
Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or just making the right decision. I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision. If I was putting the event in a bind I would go. But I made sure I had a very good replacement.
This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.
For the last two days I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed to the point where I just couldn’t breathe. Why? Because I had to make a decision. It’s hard for me to make decisions. I get so overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin. This is where I just want to forget everything and sink into my pathetic life. But, I know the only way to fix it was to make a decision of kind.
I wanted to be in this art show so badly that’s coming up in two weeks. The requirement is $75.00 for three days (which is good), and you’ll need a table and some grid displays (which is bad). The problem? I don’t have a table nor the grids. I would have to go out and buy them. After buying a car and paying cash I have to watch how I spend. But, I wanted to be in this so bad!
I felt so overwhelmed making this decision. My thoughts – I could make some money, but then I might not make any money. Can I sell enough to cover the fees and the money I spent on the table and grids? Then, I reminded myself there will be more shows, and I’ll be bettered prepared. There are several shows coming up as well as Christmas. I’ll just prepare for those.
I’m so relieved that I finally made this decision. I’m not good at making rapid decisions or hurrying. My first intuition when trying to make this decision was not to do it. I let my emotions get in the way and get me confused.