Friendless

 

Alone

Alone

I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me.  I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer.  I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me.  I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.

Today, I feel friendless.  No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie.  I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook.  Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong.  Should I just super glue my lips together?   Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people?  I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.

I keep saying this will get better.  I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious.  I don’t trust a soul.  In the past I was always lied to.  Promises were never kept.  Always, always abusive.  I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like.  Therefore, I don’t know how to act.    I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.

I’ll keep work at it by writing.