Bipolar:New Psychologist New Medication

I finally met with my new psychologist  a couple of weeks ago and at first I was scared of him but then realized he was there to help and knew what he was talking about it, specially, about medications.  He read me right away.  He was worried that I wasn’t  dead yet with all the over medicated crap I’ve been taken.  I have a box of medications that doctors prescribed that I couldn’t take.  Oh, if only I had that money back.  If only he would have said “Oh, you don’t have Bipolar.” I wouldn’t know whether to kiss him or kill  him after all these years.

My medications were Lithium, Celexa, Trazodone, Adderall, 3 blood pressures, plus, hydrocodone, and Lorespam.   Now I’m taking Latuda 40%, Celexa, and 3 blood pressure pills.  He said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium, and  was harming me more the helping me. He called me brain-dead. HA!  My memory was lacking, confusion, slurred speech, vertigo and loads of body pain.

I’ve been on Latuda for six days now. He told me I would  have a clearer head (waiting), memory would get better, maybe some weight loss, and I hope he’s right. Here’s my journey from this week.  First I must add – I was to restrain from all alcohol which I did.

Day one took Latuda and Celexa at 10 pm

Morning – atenolol, Amolophine, hydrochlorothiazide

I was fine the first day with a little tiredness like I always do

Day 2

I cleaned the house like I never had – felt real good  but a light headed at times.

Day 3 (wed) I got up and went walking worked on some jewelry and by afternoon I was tired and went to bed early.

Day 4 Woke up at 430 am WHY!! Decided to walk to the beach came back and worked on jewelry and napped in the afternoon so tired. Went to bed early – tired of being awake.

Day 5 – Woke early 4:30 am!  Big day – First Friday at the Art Gallery – This was a bad day.  I was feeling light-headed, hands shake, confusion, slurred words – I was knocking things off tables that night – I was sweating real bad – drank a glass of wine felt better. Went home and to bed early.

Day 6 – Wake up early AGAIN! Went for the walk – came home and stayed on the couch all day.  Feeling anxious, light-headed, sweating, tired, and went to bed early –

Day 7 – Yes again! This time 5 am,.  Feeling semi good. Feeling like – need to do something. Bur raining.  A great excuse to do nothing.

All in all I guess this is okay considering I cold turkey the Lithium – with doctors advise – don’t do it without a doctor’s permission – I wasn’t taking enough to do too much harm on cold turkey.  More – it could harm you.


Medication Can Cause More Harm Than Good

Into the Fog


Over the last 6 months or longer I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain, forgetfulness, cloudy head, poor eyesight, and dizziness (vertigo). I really feel bad.

It was time for me to get my medications refilled, but first, I had to get a new psychiatrist.  I did not like the last one.  She didn’t spend too much time with me and kept wanting to experiment on me.  Sometimes she would forget what I was taking.

I met with the new doctor last week and at first I didn’t think I would like him.He seemed mean.  I’m very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easy.  I know I know – tough skin.   We went over my meds and he kept shaking his head.   His diagnosis – I have bipolar, I do have ADD, Depression.  But, I’ve been given the wrong treatment.  I’m not taking enough Lithium to help but enough to cause harm to my mind and body.  My blood pressure Hydrochlorothiazide and “water pill” increases the level of lithium  My body is actually being poisoned by interaction of the two.   He will be changing the Lithium out, as well as, antidepressants, which I’m taking two of and shouldn’t be.  The medications are causing weight gain and body aches, along with other symptoms.  Lithium can cause kidney problems which I already have.

Summary:  I’ve been given the wrong medications and dosages for my mental illness.  My mind and body is screwed up.  He says I’m in the danger zone.   I have not been treated for bipolar this whole time.  For my ADD,  I’ve been given Adderall and was told it was like adding fuel to the fire.

Now, after all these years of wasted time I’ll be starting over on my Bipolar treatment.  It really ticks me off – after all these years my life has been wasted because doctors weren’t treating me, but experimenting on me.

Bipolar & ADD: I Tend to Isolate

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar.  I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything.   There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia.  I’m doom.

I don’t want to feel alone.  Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life.  I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember.  I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people.  What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk?  I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors.  It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends?  Not one true friend.

I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me.  I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t  put myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong.  Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean. 

An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my  son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong.  He’s my only son so it makes it even worse.  I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.

This is just the beginning of catching up.  Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.

I’m open to any suggestions or comments. 🙂

Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I  go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a compulsive spending rampage.    The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.  Today, I looked at it.  I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.  My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.  This crunched me.  I really do forget to watch my money.  I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.  I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.    I just hate dealing with it.   If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.  and I eat out a lot.   My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Relationships – Intimacy With Another Bipolar Person

I have been super clean from relationships (men).  I gave them up when I realize that relationships didn’t work for me or them.  I didn’t know I had bipolar until 2009 so I was unable to understand why my relationships didn’t last.  I flat-out drove them crazy!

I  enjoy and love photography so I joined a group that gets together and talks about photography and goes on mini trips.  I met the organizer on my first visit to the group and I was immediately attracted.  No! No!  He’s too young!  I kept reminding myself.  So I forgot about it.  Weeks later there was a trip planned and I really wanted to go but without a car it made it difficult.  I receive a  message from him offering a ride.  He also asked if I had flirted with him on our first meeting.  I said “Yes, I did.”   He said, Cool!”   The part that bothers me is the age gap.  I’m 59 and he’s 34.  The future looks pretty bleak so why pursue this?

On our first outing he told me he had bipolar as well.  It felt so good to be able to share with someone else who has the same mental illness.  The problem? He is just like me – BIPOLAR.  This brought us closer.  Most bipolar people don’t feel comfortable around normal people because they’re afraid they will do or say something wrong.

For a whole week he came and got me to go on these amazing photography trips.  At first there was no intimacy, but I guess our chemistry became intense we couldn’t hold back.  You can feel it when we’re together so I wonder if  he withdraws because he started feeling close to me.   Or, maybe he just doesn’t want to get into that kind of relationship.  He did say that relationships and sex didn’t do well for him.  What does that me?  I’m not a mind reader!

When he disappears for weeks at a time I can’t help ask questions like  “What did I do?”  Did I say something wrong?  He doesn’t like me.  I thought he was into me, but I guess not.  This stuff was really tearing me apart.  I found myself getting angry and resent wanting to write a letter to him asking what the problem was.  I don’t do roller coasters well..

Is it the bipolar?  I go through this every time I meet a guy that ends up in running the man off.  Bipolar or not.  I just don’t know how to handle this – it makes me ill as well.  I want so badly to meet someone who can love me unconditionally.  I’ve enjoyed the closeness and being able to share with someone else who has the illness.  If I talked about my issue to a normal man what would he do?   My last loving relationship was with someone I couldn’t have, and that was after my divorce.  I was so in love, but his life and surroundings were a danger to me, and we felt it would be best if he wasn’t around me and the baby.   I loved him for that, but at the same time I was heart-broken.  That was 24 years ago and to this day I still love him – I think about him all the time.

So confused.  Should I continue to see my friend if he calls and wants to go do things.  Or, should I just say it’s best we don’t or I’m busy.  Can I keep my hands off of him – after all this woman has feelings that haven’t been there in a long time.  That can be dangerous!


Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.

Mental Illness and How Does One Get Help Living?

What Can I Do? Will anyone listen?

I found this site NAMI (National Alliance on Mental), which is a mental health non-profit organization, governed by a volunteer board of directors,  whose primary focus is specifically with mental illness.  The organization is run by 210,000+ members.

For adults “these serious mental illness  include schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and other brain disorders. For children, the list of serious emotional disturbances includes the above illnesses, plus attention  deficit disorder, autism, and pervasive developmental disorder.”

I have Biopolar Disorder, ADD, Dementia and the list goes on.  It seems that my memory is getting worse and I really don’t like it because it scares me.  Before I was taking care of my parents who both have Alzheime’s/Dementia, but I had to move to near my son so I could get help.  I’m living in a temporary housing, but need to find a cheaper place starting the first of 2011.

I’ve been searching for some kind of help.  Recently, I’ve moved to a new state and finding a place to live has been depressing.  So far the places I have looked at will not take someone without a job.  I can’t work because of my illness, but I do get a steady social security disability check each month.  However, this check has decreased and my medicare will kick in January 2011 and I will then be paying for my Part B and Part D.  I need that extra help, but it looks like I receive too much money according to the guidelines.  This is a joke!  I don’t get it. I receive very little money now then I have to take out rent, bills, utilities, insurance and then there was none.  Nothing to live on.  I really don’t know what to do. Peanut butter and jelly.

I’ll continue the best I can to find help for medical and housing.  I hope in some way a miracle will happen.

Different kinds of illness can  be found at the following link.

Results from Withdrawing from Effexor XR Antidepressant

It’s now December 18, 2010 and I’ve been weaning myself off Effexor for over a month and my milligrams are down to 30 mg.  For the first two-three weeks it wasn’t so much fun.  There’s was a pattern of its effects it been time released. 

My mornings start with a cup of coffee, checking my blood sugar, and taking my Bipolar, high blood pressure, antidepressants, including Effexor.  After about 2 hours taking Effexor I would get nauseous, along with a sudden feeling of fatigue.  Where ever I was at the time, I would have to stop and take time out and then after a while, I would try to get home.  Once home I’d hit the bed an sleep  for a few hours.  It seemed the medicine would kick in again in the evening, but this time with a spurt of energy sometimes with anxiety.  I would stay up until late – sometimes 3 or 4am. I would have to take a anxiety pill, Lorespam.  I hated it.

Each week I would take a granule out lowering the dosage.  Today, I’m at 30 mg and I think that’s where I’ll stay.  When I tried to go lower I would have memory problems, confusion, etc. In fact, I felt like my bipolar was worse.   My memory is getting worse, but I’m not sure from what.  I have parents, grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles who all had Alzheimer’s/Demenaiaa. When you have so many issues going on it’s hard to single out what disease is causing the problem.  That is so frustrating to me.

I’ll keep trying to make this antidepressant work, because it does work you just have to find the right dosage.  I think if I went off of it completely it would be a bad idea.  Maybe one day.  I’ve hard some horror stories and I don’t want to b e one of them.  So, I’ll continue counting out the tiny beads and take my dosage, but I’ll save the leftovers just in case.  I don’t have insurance and this medicine is expensive. 

Why do we need to have pills to function our lives?  I’m so tired of it!  My genetics have played a role in most of my illnesses and disease.  Something that I’ll take with me to my grave, but that won’t be soon.  I still have a lot of life in me to play with my grand children who are an important factor in my life.  I’ll keep trying to live and not lay down to die.

Bipolar & Alcoholism – Chance At A New Life Don’t Blow It

Sunrise at Wrightsville Beach NC

I moved to Wilmington, NC from living in Dallas, TX for 58 years.   The change was decided so I could be  near my son and grand children.  I’m a recovering alcoholic with Bipolar, ADD, and have been sober since April 2009.  

After the last bit of luggage was laid inside the front door of my charming new cottage sudden loneliness set in.  If you have been following me you would know that I have been taking care of my parents for two years who are 84 and both have Alzheimer’s. Before that I’d been living alone for more than 30 years since my divorce.  During those years I was also living as a person with Bipolar, ADD, and a drinking problem called alcoholism.

This move was a dream of mine and it still is.  I’ve just had some stumbles the last few days since I got here.  Unfortunately, there’s a grocery store across the street that carries beer and wine.  Not unfortunate for some,  but for me it’s easy access for my addictions.  I nust take it a day at a time.

I bought groceries on my first day and yes I bought a bottle of wine.  I wish my son had said something like, “Mom do you think that’s a good thing to do.”  He didn’t.   I enjoyed the wine, but I did not enjoy the morning after as well as the next morning.  Yes, two evenings in a roll.   That’s going to have to change. Especially, with diabetes as well.

Drinking wine keeps me from doing the things I enjoy and that’s reading, writing, research, painting, and photography.  That’s whole reason coming to the East Coast was to find my true self again.  And I will.  God  made this dream come true so I don’t won’t to disappoint him.  He spoke to me and said it was time to find out who I am.  I had followed my intuition for the last two-years and Gods words to get here.

I must consider this as a set back and not be hard on myself.   I’ll pick myself up and dust off the old memories and start anew. I was given this new chance and  new life to spend it with my son and to be a grandma.  It has been my dream for years.  I have a 1 and 3 year  who are loves of my life.  I screwed upmy past life I’m not going to mess of mynew  life.  From this day on no drinking.

Not only is drinking bad for your liver it’s not good for Bipolar.  That’s one of the reasons I drank – to stop the pain of Bipolar.  I’ve learned that you need to deal with your Bipolar to become stronger.

Moving to Wilmington, NC is going to be my new life and new lifted spirit to learn who I am.   I will be writing about my new life in a new blog coming soon.  Also, I will be writing my results from weaning myself off Effexor, the worse drug I’ve ever taken.  I’ve gone from 75  mg to 35 mg and next week I will taper down to 30 mg.  If that’s too much I’ll change to 32 mg.  Whatever it takes to get off this devilish pill I will do. That’s all need is to withdraw from Effexor and Wine at the same time.  WOW!  Put me in the Hospital!

My story on my new life will be coming soon to a new blog near you>>>

Dementia – Mom Is Not Mom

First, let me say I love my mother.  I’m use to seeing her so cheerful and outgoing.  We could talk for hours.  Now, there’s silence.

The only time I talk to my mom is in the morning over coffee and newspaper.  She’s usually very energetic and has all kinds of things to do.  It’s either the grocery store or going out to  eat.   I get excited when she tells me she wants to go somewhere, but then let down when she changes her mind.

One minute she tells me she wants to go to the grocery store and then about 15 minutes later tells me she’s not going.   She doesn’t feel like doing anything except sit in her chair and watch her TV.   If  there’s nothing on TV she will go to bed for a few hours until it’s 3:00pm time for her glass of wine.  I’m afraid she’s hooked on her wine a little too much.   This morning she’d said she needed some wine, but could wait until Monday. However, I heard her telling Dad she is about out would he go to the store to get her wine.  He said it  was too hot to go to the store and she could wait another day.  She blew up!   They argued as usual about it and then I heard silence.   I walked by her and asked her what was wrong.  She wouldn’t even look at me and told me to go back to my room. FINE! 

Dad, hates the fact she drinks and that’s what most of their arguments are about.  Drinking the wine has started effecting her mine, and her body.  It’s also affected her health – she has diarrhea all the time.  She doesn’t eat any solid food unless I cook for them.  Mom has become very lazy.  I don’t like seeing her like this way and I don’t like to see her drinking.  When she drinks she gets talkative, loud and angry. She says that drinking is her crutch.  I know my mom is depressed – she doesn’t go anywhere.  She doesn’t do any housework, read, or have friends.

Since I’m a recovering alcoholic, her drinking really bothers me.  I’m not suppose to drink  my health depends on it.  I told her this and literally said, “Too bad, I’m drinking anyway.  You might as well get use to it.”  This really hurt me.

Mom memory has gotten worse.  Like the wine – she doesn’t remember telling me to wait until tomorrow.   This morning I told her I was going to pick up my DVD player.  I got back and she didn’t know I was gone.

I try to keep reminding myself  mom is not mom anymore.  She will continue to get worse as well as my dad.  Being their caregiver is very hard emotionally as well as tiring.  I love them both, but they’re times they take advantage of me.  I keep telling myself it will be okay – take care of your bipolar first.  Remember that.