Bipolar:New Psychologist New Medication

I finally met with my new psychologist  a couple of weeks ago and at first I was scared of him but then realized he was there to help and knew what he was talking about it, specially, about medications.  He read me right away.  He was worried that I wasn’t  dead yet with all the over medicated crap I’ve been taken.  I have a box of medications that doctors prescribed that I couldn’t take.  Oh, if only I had that money back.  If only he would have said “Oh, you don’t have Bipolar.” I wouldn’t know whether to kiss him or kill  him after all these years.

My medications were Lithium, Celexa, Trazodone, Adderall, 3 blood pressures, plus, hydrocodone, and Lorespam.   Now I’m taking Latuda 40%, Celexa, and 3 blood pressure pills.  He said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium, and  was harming me more the helping me. He called me brain-dead. HA!  My memory was lacking, confusion, slurred speech, vertigo and loads of body pain.

I’ve been on Latuda for six days now. He told me I would  have a clearer head (waiting), memory would get better, maybe some weight loss, and I hope he’s right. Here’s my journey from this week.  First I must add – I was to restrain from all alcohol which I did.

Day one took Latuda and Celexa at 10 pm

Morning – atenolol, Amolophine, hydrochlorothiazide

I was fine the first day with a little tiredness like I always do

Day 2

I cleaned the house like I never had – felt real good  but a light headed at times.

Day 3 (wed) I got up and went walking worked on some jewelry and by afternoon I was tired and went to bed early.

Day 4 Woke up at 430 am WHY!! Decided to walk to the beach came back and worked on jewelry and napped in the afternoon so tired. Went to bed early – tired of being awake.

Day 5 – Woke early 4:30 am!  Big day – First Friday at the Art Gallery – This was a bad day.  I was feeling light-headed, hands shake, confusion, slurred words – I was knocking things off tables that night – I was sweating real bad – drank a glass of wine felt better. Went home and to bed early.

Day 6 – Wake up early AGAIN! Went for the walk – came home and stayed on the couch all day.  Feeling anxious, light-headed, sweating, tired, and went to bed early –

Day 7 – Yes again! This time 5 am,.  Feeling semi good. Feeling like – need to do something. Bur raining.  A great excuse to do nothing.

All in all I guess this is okay considering I cold turkey the Lithium – with doctors advise – don’t do it without a doctor’s permission – I wasn’t taking enough to do too much harm on cold turkey.  More – it could harm you.


Medication Can Cause More Harm Than Good

Into the Fog


Over the last 6 months or longer I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain, forgetfulness, cloudy head, poor eyesight, and dizziness (vertigo). I really feel bad.

It was time for me to get my medications refilled, but first, I had to get a new psychiatrist.  I did not like the last one.  She didn’t spend too much time with me and kept wanting to experiment on me.  Sometimes she would forget what I was taking.

I met with the new doctor last week and at first I didn’t think I would like him.He seemed mean.  I’m very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easy.  I know I know – tough skin.   We went over my meds and he kept shaking his head.   His diagnosis – I have bipolar, I do have ADD, Depression.  But, I’ve been given the wrong treatment.  I’m not taking enough Lithium to help but enough to cause harm to my mind and body.  My blood pressure Hydrochlorothiazide and “water pill” increases the level of lithium  My body is actually being poisoned by interaction of the two.   He will be changing the Lithium out, as well as, antidepressants, which I’m taking two of and shouldn’t be.  The medications are causing weight gain and body aches, along with other symptoms.  Lithium can cause kidney problems which I already have.

Summary:  I’ve been given the wrong medications and dosages for my mental illness.  My mind and body is screwed up.  He says I’m in the danger zone.   I have not been treated for bipolar this whole time.  For my ADD,  I’ve been given Adderall and was told it was like adding fuel to the fire.

Now, after all these years of wasted time I’ll be starting over on my Bipolar treatment.  It really ticks me off – after all these years my life has been wasted because doctors weren’t treating me, but experimenting on me.

Bipolar & ADD: I Tend to Isolate

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar.  I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything.   There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia.  I’m doom.

I don’t want to feel alone.  Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life.  I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember.  I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people.  What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk?  I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors.  It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends?  Not one true friend.

I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me.  I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t  put myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong.  Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean. 

An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my  son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong.  He’s my only son so it makes it even worse.  I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.

This is just the beginning of catching up.  Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.

I’m open to any suggestions or comments. 🙂

Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I  go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a compulsive spending rampage.    The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.  Today, I looked at it.  I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.  My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.  This crunched me.  I really do forget to watch my money.  I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.  I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.    I just hate dealing with it.   If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.  and I eat out a lot.   My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Relationships – Intimacy With Another Bipolar Person

I have been super clean from relationships (men).  I gave them up when I realize that relationships didn’t work for me or them.  I didn’t know I had bipolar until 2009 so I was unable to understand why my relationships didn’t last.  I flat-out drove them crazy!

I  enjoy and love photography so I joined a group that gets together and talks about photography and goes on mini trips.  I met the organizer on my first visit to the group and I was immediately attracted.  No! No!  He’s too young!  I kept reminding myself.  So I forgot about it.  Weeks later there was a trip planned and I really wanted to go but without a car it made it difficult.  I receive a  message from him offering a ride.  He also asked if I had flirted with him on our first meeting.  I said “Yes, I did.”   He said, Cool!”   The part that bothers me is the age gap.  I’m 59 and he’s 34.  The future looks pretty bleak so why pursue this?

On our first outing he told me he had bipolar as well.  It felt so good to be able to share with someone else who has the same mental illness.  The problem? He is just like me – BIPOLAR.  This brought us closer.  Most bipolar people don’t feel comfortable around normal people because they’re afraid they will do or say something wrong.

For a whole week he came and got me to go on these amazing photography trips.  At first there was no intimacy, but I guess our chemistry became intense we couldn’t hold back.  You can feel it when we’re together so I wonder if  he withdraws because he started feeling close to me.   Or, maybe he just doesn’t want to get into that kind of relationship.  He did say that relationships and sex didn’t do well for him.  What does that me?  I’m not a mind reader!

When he disappears for weeks at a time I can’t help ask questions like  “What did I do?”  Did I say something wrong?  He doesn’t like me.  I thought he was into me, but I guess not.  This stuff was really tearing me apart.  I found myself getting angry and resent wanting to write a letter to him asking what the problem was.  I don’t do roller coasters well..

Is it the bipolar?  I go through this every time I meet a guy that ends up in running the man off.  Bipolar or not.  I just don’t know how to handle this – it makes me ill as well.  I want so badly to meet someone who can love me unconditionally.  I’ve enjoyed the closeness and being able to share with someone else who has the illness.  If I talked about my issue to a normal man what would he do?   My last loving relationship was with someone I couldn’t have, and that was after my divorce.  I was so in love, but his life and surroundings were a danger to me, and we felt it would be best if he wasn’t around me and the baby.   I loved him for that, but at the same time I was heart-broken.  That was 24 years ago and to this day I still love him – I think about him all the time.

So confused.  Should I continue to see my friend if he calls and wants to go do things.  Or, should I just say it’s best we don’t or I’m busy.  Can I keep my hands off of him – after all this woman has feelings that haven’t been there in a long time.  That can be dangerous!


Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.

Mental Illness and How Does One Get Help Living?

What Can I Do? Will anyone listen?

I found this site NAMI (National Alliance on Mental), which is a mental health non-profit organization, governed by a volunteer board of directors,  whose primary focus is specifically with mental illness.  The organization is run by 210,000+ members.

For adults “these serious mental illness  include schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and other brain disorders. For children, the list of serious emotional disturbances includes the above illnesses, plus attention  deficit disorder, autism, and pervasive developmental disorder.”

I have Biopolar Disorder, ADD, Dementia and the list goes on.  It seems that my memory is getting worse and I really don’t like it because it scares me.  Before I was taking care of my parents who both have Alzheime’s/Dementia, but I had to move to near my son so I could get help.  I’m living in a temporary housing, but need to find a cheaper place starting the first of 2011.

I’ve been searching for some kind of help.  Recently, I’ve moved to a new state and finding a place to live has been depressing.  So far the places I have looked at will not take someone without a job.  I can’t work because of my illness, but I do get a steady social security disability check each month.  However, this check has decreased and my medicare will kick in January 2011 and I will then be paying for my Part B and Part D.  I need that extra help, but it looks like I receive too much money according to the guidelines.  This is a joke!  I don’t get it. I receive very little money now then I have to take out rent, bills, utilities, insurance and then there was none.  Nothing to live on.  I really don’t know what to do. Peanut butter and jelly.

I’ll continue the best I can to find help for medical and housing.  I hope in some way a miracle will happen.

Different kinds of illness can  be found at the following link.