Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.  Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m  thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show.   This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.  Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.  Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.  So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.  It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.  I could at least be myself.  I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me.  I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.  It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.  I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.  Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.

Still Not Sleeping

I’m visiting my mom and I thought I would get some much-needed sleep.  Not.  I just can’t seem to wind down.  I have 10 millions things going through my mind.  However, this happens every day.  Not sleeping is interfering with my memory.   It’s mainly forgetting.  Like right now I forgot what I wanted to say.  Or, it’s just not coming to me so I’m babbling.  Gosh I just can’t seem to think, sorry.  I’ll come back soon.

Alone with Bipolar at 19

I discovered I had bipolar since my teens.  In 1979, when I graduated from High School I went the wrong direction in life.   I discovered my journals dated back to 1971.  They were so sad and bipolar like that it made me cry.  The following is the poem I wrote.  If you discover your teen writing poems like this you need to take a look at her mental self.

I’m Alone

Sitting in the corner of a crowded room feeling all alone. I can hear their laughter.  I can’t hear mine.

How can one laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about?  I’m all alone… I feel as though no one knows I exist.  Desperately, I want to laugh and never quit.  But, all I get is this sadness inside me.

I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I hear many voices in my head.  I don’t know who I am, not knowing what is real and what’s not.  I feel like I don’t exist.  Am I  here, who am I?

Vickie H.@ 19  :1971

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.