Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me. Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.
Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show. This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person. Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him. Maybe an email here or there. But nothing. So it was only the sex?
Oh, I know I’m too old for him. It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you. I could at least be myself. I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me. I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time. It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.
I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life. I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right. Nothing I did was the right thing to do.
Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.
I’m visiting my mom and I thought I would get some much-needed sleep. Not. I just can’t seem to wind down. I have 10 millions things going through my mind. However, this happens every day. Not sleeping is interfering with my memory. It’s mainly forgetting. Like right now I forgot what I wanted to say. Or, it’s just not coming to me so I’m babbling. Gosh I just can’t seem to think, sorry. I’ll come back soon.
I discovered I had bipolar since my teens. In 1979, when I graduated from High School I went the wrong direction in life. I discovered my journals dated back to 1971. They were so sad and bipolar like that it made me cry. The following is the poem I wrote. If you discover your teen writing poems like this you need to take a look at her mental self.
Sitting in the corner of a crowded room feeling all alone. I can hear their laughter. I can’t hear mine.
How can one laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about? I’m all alone… I feel as though no one knows I exist. Desperately, I want to laugh and never quit. But, all I get is this sadness inside me.
I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I hear many voices in my head. I don’t know who I am, not knowing what is real and what’s not. I feel like I don’t exist. Am I here, who am I?
Vickie H.@ 19 :1971
I don’t remember typing the early post last night. This is sad. How did I know I did it. I got an email. I starting to believe that I might have another personality. Is it possible? I could be the solution to a lot of unanswered questions. I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place. I was trying to find the remote control the other day. I looked and looked for that darn thing. I decided to just calm down and sit. When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex. The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.
This has been happening more and more. Is it possible to have a dual personality having bipolar? Or, is it Dementia?
I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.
I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight. I try to be so observant. When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine. I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why. I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car. Lucky no one got hurt.
I quit drinking and smoking April 2009. I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine. I CAN’T DO THAT! WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.
I’ve started my journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal. I just hope I can remember to journal.