Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.  No roommates at all.  Just living by myself.  No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.  Just complete silence and getting to know myself.  Today was the ultimate.   He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place he was moving from.  Today he got a call from the x roommates asking him to get the rest of  his stuff out so that another person can move it.   Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.  Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.   He was so angry so guess who it took it out on?  I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone he was going to move all on his own.  The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff to storage.  It took a couple of trips.  He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because he was still angry.  He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess with me while I’m angry.” “Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.  I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”   I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.  He’s in his room and I’m in mine.  What’s going to happen tomorrow?

Followup – Lithium Has Been My Truth All This Time

 

Photography by Vickie

In my previous post I mentioned that doctor took me off Lamictal – she saw a rash on me and freaked out.  I was immediately taken off of it and told instead to take two Lithium a day (600 mg).  I’ve been taking 300 mg Lithium for 3 years and have had no problem.  Taking me off Lamictal worried me since I’d been doing so well.

Yesterday, September 2, I went to the doctor to check on my rashes and the extreme itching I’ve been having.  Not only did my skin feel like it was  burning the skin felt like thousands of pins sticking in me.  IThe doctor ordered a really extreme blood test of about 8 or 9 vials – I almost passed out!  The doctor  was checking on allergies, autoimmune disease and how my Hepatitis C is doing. (Yes, Hepatitis C – I carry a heavy load 1.8)

I take Lithium once in the morning and before I go to bed.  Additionally, I take one 150 mg of Tradozone nightly.  Between the two that makes a great sleep.  On Lamictal I awoke up each morning around 5 or 6 am and felt tired most of the day. Now, I sleep until a good time in the morning and have more energy than I’ve had before!   After a week and a half of taking the increased dose I feel really good.  In fact, I feel rested.

With all this new energy I go for a long walk, work in the garden, read, write, make jewelry and anything else I can get my hands on.  It’s like mania but a good mania.  I’ll stay busy up until about 3pm when I need to sit down and rest.

I want to add that up till now I have not been able to read a book – I would read a paragraph or two and go in a trance – I would forgot what I read and have to start over.  I have so many books to read!

With everything that is going on I’m trying very hard to manage my life by talking to God  and listening to him every day.  I write in my devotional that has helped me thoroughly. This is very important to me.

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Since my last entry my life has been on a roller coaster.  I made the decision to stop my bipolar and hormone pills.  Both deal with the chemistry in your mine.  I wanted to do it alone.  I’m tired of pills and spending the money on them.  I have only a part time job making $6.55 an hour and collecting unemployment. With those I’m  only getting by.

After several tests from doctors I was told about my bipolar, ADD and mini strokes.  Here I was blaming the ghost for hiding items I couldn’t find.  “LOL”  I’m always loosing keys, glasses, purses and well just about anything I touch.  I try to put items in the same place everyday.  I even post notes to remind myself.  I forget to remind myself.  Maybe I should post notes not to buy wine and cigarettes all around the house.  I hate to be controlled and I’m allowing these THINGS to take over my mind!

THINGS HAVE TO Change or I’m going to go crazier.  I decide to write myself a prescription for life by exercising, eating healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking and stop the impulse buying.  Just stop going crazy!  It’s been a long road dealing with hot flashes, pain, anger and just not feeling good.  Along with my Hepatitis C it makes it a little more difficult, because it slows me down.  When I don’t drink and smoke I feel worse. The only way to feel better is to drink and smoke.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it controlling my life day by day.  When I wake up in the morning I don’t know which me will show up.  I may wake up and feel great and say “I’m not going to drink, and I’m only going to think positive. Today, I’ll tell everyone to have  great day.”

One prescription I wrote myself was that I was going learn to be a business woman.  This is something  I have wanted and dreamed of for a long time, but was afraid to try it.  I’ve always felt stupid since I didn’t go to college.  I was afraid to take the TASP!

I did some research and decided to take risk and open my eBay store.  Today, I owe my business my sanity.  Opening my eBay store has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It gives me something that’s mine and to take charge and learn on the way.  In order to be successful you have to work hard.  I’ve been researching, reading, and studying all the things that I use to do.  I was horrible in school.   I never could comprehend words, pages, numbers or anything else.  Everything was harder for me. I feel that I had lost a job, because of my grammar skill.  I’m trying to make something of myself.  I want to make my family especially my son to be proud of his mom.  He has made me proud – now its time to make my son.

I want you to know that with disabilities this doesn’t mean you have to give up – keep trying – make yourself proud.  I feel that I’m smarter now than I have every been by teaching myself.  I want let anyone take that from me.  I have a lot to learn to be successful and I’m n ot giving up on myself.  One of those is to be a better writer.

You can always visit my eBay store to see what I have accomplished.  I’m still working on and I won’t give up.  I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to keep going forward – not backward.

Bad Trip on Bipolar

I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been confused, down and have been busy trying to get my business going to make some money.  First I need the money to pay my rent so I keep praying for that some miracle is going to arise and get me on a plane to North Carolina to see  my family and new grandson.

I’ve been on that research drug and last week I had some horrible things happen. They went up on the dosage so was taken that one, Lithium and Trazodone.  I was having nightmare’s and one night I got up to go to the bathroom.  I felt like I had just done 10 shots of Tequila.  I was staggering all the way knocking down anything that was in my way.  When I finally got back to my bed I went to lay down and bam! I fell to the floor butt first then fell backwards and hit my head on the nightstand – then I was knocked out.  I didn’t wake until the next morning and was late to work.   I have a feeling that the research drug is the real thing.  A sugar pill wouldn’t do that – would it?  I went to the doctor a day later and they were very concerned about what happen to me and decided to lower the dosage of the drug.  Then last Saturday – I was taking a drive to estate sales and got heartburn real bad — I could feel something driving up my stomach and throat and then – yes – I made a mess.  I through up on the only thing I had available at the time – ny jacket and then all over me.  Sadly, I had to return home change clothes.  Then, I just went on with my business.

I have felt a little better in the last few days.  There have been moments when I feel like I want to go manic, but I just try and take some deep breaths to make it go away.  My memory is not so good – meaning short term.  It takes me a while to have everything (codes) to enter my mind to figure out what that person said to me.

This little part-time job has been great for me.  Can’t beat it.  I manage the fitness center and work in my own little business in the office.  Can’t beat it  I’ve feel that my goals and dreams are trying to battle their way up and over the hill.  I’m not rich, but that doesn’t matter to me.  It never has.  I can’t have it because if I do I will spend it all.  I found that out while in my manic stage I went shopping and spent on all my credits cards to their limit in one day.  Yep, one day and have been spending the last 10 or more years trying to pay my debts off.  Pretty soon I will be too old to worry about it.

I wanted to share a new piece of jewelry I just made – It’s made of magnetic hematite beads, and bone beads.

Thanks for visiting

Smoking and Drinking – Bipolar?

Yes this is the 3rd week of being on this research drug along with taking Lithium. One day I feel great and the next I would feel lousily. Yesterday, I felt great but I could feel the Manic trying to creep up on me. When I got off work – My mine said it was time to have a drink of wine – I was weak and drove into the convenience store and bought some cigs. This wasn’t because I was craving them either. When I got home and I did some work and didn’t appear that I was in a hurry to have that first drink. It was about 2 hours after I got home that I started the ritual of setting up my smoking area, along with my glass of wine and ashtray. It’s a ritual for me to smoke and drink. Here’s what I do – put blankets on my couch so they don’t get the smoky smell – yea right. I get my ashtray and put a piece of newspaper under it so if my cig falls off it will burn the paper instead of my couch. I then fill up my wind glass with ice and our either my white or red wine. Yes, ice. It’s all a ritual. When my glass gets 1/2 full I automatically fill it back up with ice and wine. There’ times that I panicked when I still had some wine but no cigarette’s. Or, I had cig’s but no wine. I would go the store no matter what time it was and get some more cig’s or wine. There were times that I would sit up all night until dawn drinking and smoking. Only because I had them the drugs in my house. If I don’t have the wine or cig’s I want use them.

I feel that I have improved since the study worked. Even though I got the wine and cig’s last night I only smoked 8 cig’s and 2 glasses of wine and went to bed at 9:30pm. I just wasn’t in the mood to drink or smoke and I didn’t want my apartment to stink. This all seems to be an improvement.

Our brains are a powerful tool. It has more authority than anything else. The problem – you have to try and keep the devil out who keeps interfering with your success. He’s been with me along time now. How? I’ve been trying to figure that out for a long time. If I could kick him right out the door that would be the biggest step that I’ve taken in a long time.

Conclusion: I feel like this drug is working. I went from 2 pills a night to a larger dosage pill. I’m drinking less each week. I went from drinking and smoking every night to only a few nights week. Again, I need to get the devil out from under my skin.
This is why I agreed to do this research study for Bipolar – It’s worth the chance with me to take this drug even if I don’t know whether it’s the real thing or not. Maybe my mine is being tricked to think the pill is working.

My next topic – Is lithium working fo my bipolar.