Lithium Took My Emotions

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

I truly believe while I was on Lithium it took my soul from me. I had no emotions – I didn’t cry and I was a cold inside.  Things that I use to be passionate about were gone.

I’ve been off Lithium for a month now and I feel like a real person again.  Now, I cry when I watch a feel good movie, and laugh when something is funny.  It’s good to feel that again.  My anxiety level isn’t as high, but I still get it occasionally, but not as bad.

in 1999, I was diagnosed with bipolar/manic depression.  Why?  I attempted suicide and drank too much.  Why?  Sometimes we can only handle so much that we just break down.  I found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a girl 20 years younger, and my son informed me he was going in the army for 6 years.  That was enough to send me over the edge

I started binge drinking and then I fell into major depression, which I call “Major Depressive Disorder”.  This is a variety of different moods.  I was so depressed and felt like I had nothing left in the world.  I felt like everyone leaves me.

Is bipolar the name to give to someone who is very depressed.  I’ve seen a really bad bipolar case and I was nothing like that. If anything I’m manic.  I can get on a high same as hyper which I’ve had all my life but couldn’t that have been my ADHD?  Who knows.

Advertisements

Lithium – Lethal with Alcohol!

I'm going to die if I don't stop!

I’ve never had support system from my family or peers on my Bipolar and Alcohol problem.  They were in denial.  I had to crawl out of that hell

hole called “alcoholism” alone then find the strength to changed my entire life.  It’s not easy to not grab a bottle of wine and go back into my old ways.  When I start feeling this way I reach for Higher Power and listen to my intuition. I pray.

Today my doctor increased my medications on Lithium  and Lamical medications.  She asked me about drinking and I had to admit I went to the beach with some people and had one glass of red wine.  She got real upset!  “Don’t do that it will interfere with your meds, plus it’s dangerous. It’ll kill you!m she said. No one has every talked to me in detail about my illness usually they just throw drug prescriptions they find in a med book – no talk.

I hope if anyone takes lithium – don’t drink with it or any other drugs.  I don’t want to have to read the headlines “Another person found dead by mixing medications with alcohol.”

Bipolar: Abandoned and Lonely

Lonely & Abandoned

Abandoned and Lonely – this is how I feel today. Friday I felt was high on life.  I went out for the first time in 3 years and had a great time!  Today I feel lonely and abandoned.  😦

I always feel like I’ve said something wrong and I’ll never hear from that person again.  And sometimes I am right.  I feel are looking at me and talking about me.  “Look – she’s bipolar – she’s crazy.  But I’m not!  I just have a hard time sorting things out.  Sometimes I just don’t know who I am.

I’ve been on Lithium for 3 years and have been on several other medications trying to see if it’s a fit with Lithium.  I’ve tried Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor and now Lamical.  There’s some more drugs in there some where just can remember them.  Some of them made me crazy.

I just wish I didn’t feel like nobody loves me or afraid to come see me – I might say something they don’t like.  I try very hard to behave myself without giving advice they don’t want.

I’ve had one break through and that’s writing in my blog.  I haven’t been here for a long time.  I just couldn’t seem to pick up my laptop and write.  I’ve had brain fog and down right tired.

Today, I just feel so bad I want to crazy – I’m so tired of this feeling and bipolar.

I’m going to write about how I got here what I’ve been through.

 

Bipolar – Dreams & Surviving Life Changes

Wilmington, North Carolina

Image by Rebecca_M. via Flickr

My big change – moving to Wilmington, NC by myself to be close to my son and grand children.  It’s something that I’ve dreamed of for a long time ago – to be a grandma.  I’ve always dreamed of living near the ocean – the sound of the ocean makes me feel so peaceful.  So here I am being with my son and grand kids and living by the ocean. Can’t get any better – can we?

I 1999, I had checked into rehab when I tried to commit suicide while drinking very heavily. It was then I found out I had bipolar.  Also, I found out that drinking and bipolar don’t go together.

While in rehab I was told we should have dreams and goals.  We should write them down and work towards them.  So I wrote those dreams in a spiral notebook and dated it 1999.  My goals were to learn photography, be a grandma, live by the beach, have my own business, and meet the man of my dreams.  All have come true with exception of the man, but that’s okay. I do have more dreams, but those are just between God and I. Believing in God and Intuition has helped me  achieve my dreams.

Having bipolar is not easy to accept, and I was in denial for a long time and time is what I need.  The important part is making sure that you are taking the right medications and stay on them. Some people stop them or just forget.  This will not help.  I felt it important to get my life back for my family and myself.  I was tired of being in pain and always angry.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since December 2010. Before, I was living and taking care of my parents who both have disabilities.  Then, I decided that at 58, I needed to start my own life. I decided to move to North Carolina and be with my son and my grandchildren.  I was afraid if I waited too long I would be too old to enjoy them.  I was afraid too.

The move was a big and drastic change in my life.  I was moving away from home where I have lived most of my life. I knew no one except my son and family. Having bipolar makes it difficult for me to make decisions, and then I’d always second guess  myself.  I always feared making the wrong decisions.  I was feeling guilty leaving mom and dad behind.  But, even they wanted me to have my own life.  They really hoped that I would find some man to marry, that’s not going to happen any time soon for me.

One of my big steps with Bipolar was taking the Greyhound Bus by myself from Texas to the east coast.   They was scary for me.  I was afraid I would miss the bus at each stop so I would always stay very close to it.   The ride was two days long with no sleep.  I did it and I’m proud of myself.

On February 27, 2011, my dad passed away.  It was traumatic for me by feeling if I had stayed he would somehow still be alive.   When I heard of his illness I immediately bought a bus ticket back to Dallas. Airline tickets were priced out of this world.  It was the longest bus ride spent only of praying and thinking.  I was praying that my dad would stay on earth long enough for me to say goodbye.

I arrived two days later and I couldn’t wait to see my dad.  When I got to the hospital I was shocked.  He looked terrible and didn’t even know who I was at first.  The doctors said he had a massive stroke and really didn’t expect for him to live much longer.  They were going to send him to the nursing home for hospice.  He was there a week before he died.  I remember the phone ringing and I knew when I heard them say, “Your father is having a hard time breathing – you should get here as soon as possible.”  We hurried as fast as we could without getting a speeding ticket. 

The elevator door opened and we were met by the head nurse “Hon, I’m sorry, but he stopped breathing just a few minutes ago.  My mother collapsed and I took off running in hopes that she was wrong.  I pulled the curtain back and there laid my dad laying so quite and peaceful.  He wasn’t going to wake up anymore. I should have driven faster.

Now, I back in North Carolina only 10 minutes from the beach.  My mom is back in Dallas and it was the hardest things I had to do, and that was to leave her behind.  Plus, leaving everything up to my brother – that’s hard.  I’m use to taking care of my mom and her matters.  I talk to mom everyday and she keeps telling me I’m where I need to be and so is she.  Mom, seems to be getting along okay,  but lonely. 

Even now I cry for my dad, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I can see his face and his voice all the time, and I feel he is watching over us.  The last words he said as he struggled to lift his arm up and around my mom’s neck, and brushed his lifeless hand over her hair, “I’m sorry.”  Those were the last words and then he started to slip away. 

Love you daddy.

Stay strong -Dad

Bipolar: Free To Live

I'm Free!

Here I am in North Carolina in a sweet cottage only two blocks from the ocean.  I’m staying in a 700  sq. ft  dream house with 2 bedrooms and 2 baths.  I love it!  It may be small but it’s larger than the room I’ve been staying in before. 

My parents have Alzheimer’s/Dementia – I was living with them to make sure no harm could come to them.  But, the harm seem to come to me.  They just didn’t care about anything.

I was staying in a small, I mean small, bedroom room in the back of my parents house and sleeping in a small twin bed. I hardly left the room unless I went to the book store or to take my parents to the doctor or grocery store.  It got to the point where I couldn’t stay in the same room as my parents I know that’s sad, but they treated me like I owed them all the time.  I was taken advantage of and talked to terribly.  They forgot the reason I was there. I love my parents and that’s why I moved in two years ago when it was decided they needed help.  But, the longer I stayed there the worse it got.  I wasn’t treated like a daughter, but a servant.  It was so hurtful. 

My mom started drinking more and more. She told me she was 84  and she could do what she wanted and she did. I  told  her drinking and pills didn’t go together, but she said she didn’t care.  She was ready to go to her maker.  I’m a recovering alcoholic and I watched my mother  go to the refrigerator every afternoon at 3pm and pour a glass a wine after wine until she passes out in her chair.  She would forget to take her medication so I said, “Mom do you realize how hard it is to watch you drink?  It makes me want to drink with you.”  “Sure, join me,” she would say.  I couldn’t take it any more.  I had to think about my survival and well-being.  I had to leave.  Now was the time to be a mom and grandmother.

Having bipolar and living in this kind environment was not good for me.  I found myself crying and feeling unloved.  I had to ask for hugs.  Mom, told  me once that she just wasn’t like that because my dad never was nor her parents.  I need hugs.  I liked the feeling when a warm loving person can  put their arms around me and say “I Love You.”   

I desperately wanted to be needed.  I have a son, grand children, and a beautiful daughter-in-law that I want to get to know.  My son was in the army from the time he graduated from high school until he left the army 6 1/2 years later.  Then he left for a great job in Wilmington, NC.  The whole time I felt abandoned and alone.  The part of me that I treasured the most was gone.  That was 8-years ago and now my dream has come true.  I’m now getting to know my son again, as well as my grand children and daughter-in- law.

My son has become more attentive. Maybe he sees that I’m not healthy as I was 6-7 years ago.  He has always thought of me as that young good-looking mom who could do anything.  He was always proud to introduce me to his friends. When he saw me get off the plane holding a walking cane I think the moment changed.  Now, he seems to be more attentive and calls me more than he did before.  I feel loved and needed.  I now have my family that I’ve so wanted for a long time.

Today, I feel great.

Never Give Up On Life

Battling Bipolar has been tough.  But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle.  It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay.  I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.

Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis.  That disease makes my stomach turn.  It just sounds so trashy and I’m not.  This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand.  I was a great kid growing up with a loving family.  I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?

Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those.  My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse.   The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life.  The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into.  I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in.  Why do we pick guys that are mean to us.  My x  husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did.  So I felt loving was being treated badly.  Not any more.

Today, I’m not in relationship and  haven’t been for 3 years.  I chose that until I can take care of me first.  I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do.  I’ve become very dependent on myself.  I found out that I can get things done.  Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources.  It can be done you just have to research.

Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic.  I get my Lithium and other medications free.  I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis.  I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.

I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I  have to be tough.  It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily.  I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation.  I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess.  I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing.  I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before.  That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me.  Going to book stores is a great outlet.

Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis.  Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there.  All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done.  I don’t need any more bad news.  I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make.  He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009.   Heck of a deal!

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.