Bipolar-Stay Busy! WRITE FOR THERAPY!

I’m learning more and more about Bipolar and it interest me.  Why? I have it.  Yes, I’m admitting I have it.  Before, I couldn’t do that.  I was embarrassed and felt ashamed.  I had a disability and I didn’t want anyone to know.  But then I realized, hey, I have a reason to be crazy. I have bipolar.  It’s not my fault.  It’s a disease just like alcoholism.  The problem with Bipolar is you never know when it’s going to attack unless you learn the triggers.  I’ve been paying attention to this to see what triggers me to drink and what triggers the mania.

I’ve been selected to participate in a study at UT Southwestern on bipolar.  I was so excited when they told me that I was accepted.  I said, “Bless the Lord!”  It may not mean much to someone else, but it meant a hell of a lot to me.  Not having insurance and not having the proper care has kept me in a whirlwind, and now I have a chance.  They started me out on Lithium for 2 weeks and they gave me another pill.  The reason I say that is I don’t know if I’m taking the real thing. Bummer!  The study drug is suppose to stop the craving of alcohol.  It’s been two weeks since I started taking it and I don’t feel any different.  Now, I haven’t drank as much and I think that’s because I have to get up at 4:30am for work till 3:00pm then I go home and work on my business.  So I think I’m on a roll.  Making myself too busy to drink, but I’m afraid that I’ll get burned out and do some binge drinking.  I love my red wine.  Darn! There goes that negative thought.  STOP IT!

I’ve been reading a book by Monica Raminez Basco, PHD, called “The Bipolar Workbook – Tools for Controlling your Mood Swings.”  This book tool that actually gave me confirmation on my disease.  It’s very informative. 

There’s a question – Can bipolar cause depression and mania at the same time?  I would say yes.  For me it’s like being on a roller coaster. One minute I feel high on life and then boom!  If anything upsets me or I get stressed out OR something isn’t getting done – there I go!  I can get mad and feel like I want to tear someones head off. 

Do you think medications are needed to control bipolar?  I really hate taking meds but I’ve been on medicines since I was in my early 20’s.  However, I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until it was too late in life that.  Doctors just gave me a prescriptions for Valium, celexa, lexapro or anything that a doctor felt like giving me at the time.  No wonder my body is chemically unbalanced.   That’s why I’m happy about this study.

Yesterday, I was really tired because I woke up around 3am and couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was feeling anxious, tired confused and very disorganized.  I hate feeling disorganized – I can’t find anything and that’s a biggy fo rme.  I can’t take not being able to find something.  Sometimes it gets so back I actually act crazy!  I feel crazy!  It’s like – It was here just a minute ago!  One time I actually blamed a ghost for getting it.  WOW!

I feel you can stop the symptons of bipolar by first accepting and realizing that you have bipolar. Figure out what triggers your bipolar.  Go through the steps to get help by getting on the right medications.  If you have problems with alcohol, which some bipolar cases have, they can help you with that.  There ‘s help out there you just have to look for it.

I’m a firm believer that writing for therapy helps.  You have the opportunity to write out everything that triggers your mania on paper and you can go back and read it and you’ll realize a lot.  I’ve been told that when I’m in mania mode that I talk alot, slur my words, my hands move all over the place, I move real fast, get angry easy and shappy.  I also imagine that people are talking about me.  Being in a room with a lot of people in a small area with a lot of loud talking can drive me loony.

Try writing.  You don’t have to be a professional writer or journalist.  Just be you. That’s why I started writing in blogs.  I write in journals why not a blog.  Let it out – let everyone know what you have and you’re not afraid to tell any one.  Let it out and tell us what pisses you off!  Write it!

Writing for Therapy is the Perfect Drug-Manic Depressive

It is so nice to get comments from others that’s why I feel that writing about my disease is the perfect drug.  Why has it helped me? Knowing that others really care.  People with bipolar feel so lonely, because they’re afraid to tell anyone about their disease.  I know I was afraid to tell a coworker, because I was afraid of how they would look at me.   I started to realize a few years back that something was wrong me.  I started remembering my past and what I did (that’s another story).  Although many doctors have told me that I have bipolar I just didn’t want to believe. In my last job I was having issues forgetting things I was suppose to do, loosing items and loosing my temper, etc.  I didn’t understand what was happening me. The company ended up letting me go because of and of course, I felt they were getting rid of me was that I had memory problem and my age.  Especially since everyone in my group were in their early 20’s and I was 55.  It was after that job I decided to make some changes in my life and to starting taking care of myself.  I wanted to do the things I enjoy.  I felt I was so angry because I wasn’t happy.  I hated what I was doing and felt I was better than that.  So I started doing the things I enjoy, which is creating my own jewelry and having my own little shop. I’ve also started buying and selling for others. 

It takes a lot of hard concentration and organization for me.  I get confused and being disorganized is my biggest trigger. I’m having a issue with that today.  I woke up at 3am this morning. We had a rough storm and I just couldn’t go back to sleep.  My committee was going off in my mind of all the things that I needed to do so I just got up and went to work.  There is so much detail to my business that you have to be organized and have a list to go by.  My problem is that I don’t go by the list – I get side tracked.  Now I have a client who wants to buy a TV so I have to get busy on that.  But I love it. I’m doing things I like and what I can do.  No getting up and driving in traffic to work – no boss standing over my shoulder and no one tell me I can’t do this or that.  Being busy helps. 

So you see writing is good for me – I got all that off my back.  I’m a strong believer in writing.  I just realized the other day while going through all my journals that I’ve actually been journaling since I was 18.  I must of had bipolar then – I was really depressed.  I will share some of the writings and poems on another day.

This morning I got a nice comment where said he enjoyed reading my stories.  He said I could use some of his cartoons on my blog and I went to his website Mental Humor and there was this funny cartoon that I would like to share, but I can’t figure out how to put it on my blog.  So you can go to his website by clicking here.  Once I can figure it out I’ll post.

Back later!