Bipolar & ADHD: I tried, failed and it’s okay

Relax and Breathe

Yes,  my attempt failed.  When I take on a project it’s a challenge for me.  I decided I wanted to have my own website with a store and shopping cart to sell my sunglasses.  I’m tired of paying fees to eBay, and  felt I should at least try. I worked on it for two weeks until 2 or 3 am in the morning.  My mania was kicking in.  I think it’s my medication. On with the story.

Once, I told myself that I would never quit anything again. I remember my father telling me as I was growing up through my teens that I always quit. I never finish anything.   My dad was a very negative person and  had a way of making me feel like I could never do anything. I could never understand why he did that to me.

I use to be quick at everything I did.  I had a boss, Siva who was my mentor.  Siva was from Malaysia and our cultures were a lot different and we had  a discussion about it, because I was going crazy.  I told him I wasn’t someone you could push around, and we are equals.  He laughed.

One day he came up to me and said he needed a slide presentation on PowerPoint done  by the next morning.  I looked up at him and said, “What?”  I’ve never used PowerPoint, and to include graphics?  He just looked at me and said,” It’s time to learn.”  Where do I start?  While he was getting everything together I started reading about PowerPoint.  I worked on the presentation until it was time for the charts.  I went to Siva and told him there was no way I could do the charts.   “Yes you can, he said.  How are you going to know if you can do it unless you tried?  You don’t give up.”

I didn’t know what I was going to do!  I didn’t have time to really learn  just what I needed to know.  On the way to my desk I noticed the gentleman in the booth next to me working on a chart.  I faced humility and ask him for help.  I if he could just show me the basics on how to create a chart with graphics, I’ll attempt the rest.   I had him send me a copy of what he was doing so I could look at it.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.  It was unbelievable!   Siva said, “See you did it.  You didn’t give up and found a way to get the job done.   How do you feel?”  I said, “I feel great as a matter a fact.”  I really did, I was very proud of myself, and so was he.  The next morning after the presentation he came to me and said in the meeting that morning people came up to him telling him the slides look greated.  My boss, actually told them that I did it.  He was very proud. We became very close.   Unfortunately, layoffs occurred and we lost touch. However, I still remember – “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Since, I got sicker and sicker until I finally came out of denial to seek help.  I finally found the right combination of medication – Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Lorespam.  I have some side effects from the Effexor – I’m not hungry as much,  I get a little anxiety in the evening, and I have more energy.  The pill is time release so it works more in the evening.

I gave up on the website I was doing  – I was staying up every night until the wee hours of the morning.  I didn’t want to stop – I had to get it done.  Then, I had a talk with myself – Vickie, this is not healthy.  It’s causing anxiety and stress and it’s not worth it.  That’s right it’s not and decided to try something else, slowly.  I’ve always jumped right into something without thinking about it.  It’s doesn’t hurt to give up on something when it causes stress.   But, spending money on things when you get this notion want to try something new stop and think, research, and see if  it’s really something you really can do.   I think it would have been wrong to make myself sick over something that I really could not do.   

I’ll come up with something.  I aways do.  Just Do Your Best!  Just because you have bipolar doesn’t mean the end of  things.  Pick something you’ve been wanting to do and try.  It’s okay to fail.

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Bipolar: My Own eBay Store

The one thing that I challenged myself with was opening a eBay store. Oh, you just don’t know how hard it was! Having Bipolar did make it a challenge. I made so many mistakes and almost got taken off eBay. Why? I read the rules, but they didn’t sink in. I really didn’t pay attention. That situation got me motivated. I worked hard and every time another situation would come up I wouldn’t stop I kept going. I wasn’t going to quit. I don’t make a lot of money, but one of these days I’ll make it. I’M NOT GOING TO QUIT!

 Today I’m at 1000 sales and 100% Feedback. I’m proud of that. Next Challenge – my own web store

A New Revelation – An Awakening – I Feel Positive! – I Feel New!

As you know from my last post I’ve been taken off my research medicine for bipolar and alcohol craving meds last Friday.  Since then I do feel a lot better.  So it seems that I was having bad trips from that med.  Soon I will give you the name – just don’t have it now.  They gave me a few of the pills to wean me off the drug so I wouldn’t have any withdrawals.  Well folks, I haven’t taken the pills – I haven’t had any withdrawals that I know of.  In fact, I have been feeling much better.  I have continued with the Lithium, but hope to wean myself of those, maybe.  I’m taking one day at a time.

I’ve had a clear head and feel more positive.  I’m more alert and happy.  Even my boss asked me why I was in such a good mood and this was at 6:30am.  Yes, I get up at 4:30am to be at work at 6:00am.  I love my job and I guess that makes a big different.

Last night something happen.  First, on my way home I started thinking about having a glass of wine and a cigarette.  Let me tell you there was a committee going off in my head really bad.  Go, don’t go, go, don’t go, etc.  I want a cig or drink, and I don’t.  I was confused on what I wanted.  I’ve been doing it so long that the habit’s just there, and that’s what I’m beginning to figure out.  I don’t get these ideas until around the same time every day. 

I ended up going and spending money on wine and cigarettes.  Yes, money – money I don’t have.  Go figure.  I got home and did some work on my eBay to get some packages out and I took some pictures to post.  The good thing is I know my work comes first.  It’s my second salary, which isn’t much right now.  Come on folks go buy something from my shop!  I’ve got great things for Christmas gifts. Sorry, I just had to vent for a minute.

It got to be 6pm, which is the happy hour.  Just like a zombie I did the ritual – get my blanket to cover of my couch so I don’t get it smoky.  Yes, you heard right.  Then I pop the top, pour wine into the glass, and get the napkin to sit under my glass on the end table.  Get the dirty ashtray and put a piece of paper under it so I want burn the couch.  Light the cigarette, take a sip.  Usually this goes on until either my wine is gone or the cigarettes – they go hand in hand.

After one glass a wine and 3 cigarettes I realized I wasn’t enjoying them – so why was I doing it.  Stinking up my house, adding calories and the cig’s didn’t even taste good – neither did the wine.  Hum…

Other reason I felt this way – Guilt.

I had an awakening or revelation or whatever you call but it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

Sunday, I went to watch the Cowboy game with my parents whom I love dearly.  First, I was feeling guilty because I needed to borrow some money.  My unemployment benefits ran out.  I was even feeling guilty about my drinking.  Then something happen that I did not expect.  Dad brought me a book – threw the book – saying you might can sell this on eBay.  It was “Alcohol Anonymous – Abuse” book.  I said where did you get that?  He replied, “You had it when you were in the rehab place.”  I fell 6 deep under.  My dad is the most important person in the world to me, and realized that I was disrespecting him for all the great things he’s done for me.  Even when I’m drinking I didn’t think my parents new. But, at that moment I just realize he knew what I was doing.  We’re blind to the people around us – you think your be sneaky and no one knows your drinking!  Honey, they know.  It’s in your actions, your speech, your lapse of memory, weight gain, changed habits, etc.  They know.

Monday morning when I woke up I thought about the book and my dad.  I said that’s it – this is the moment that I am changing my ways.  I felt so good Monday.  I work in a health club, which I love.  I worked out most of the day, and my boss said I could take some self-defense classes for FREE.  This just pumped me up.  I was full of ideas and energy all day.

Tuesday, the same thing, except when the committee sounded off.  It’s seems like it’s always Tuesday after the weekend when it happens.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do and it tasted pretty bad.  So I poured out the wine, empty the ashtray and went to bed to watch TV and read.  I felt so much better.  Actually, I felt that I reached a milestone.  One big step for mankind!

The evening ended and I got a surprise webcam call from my son.  With him was my grandson and daughter in-law.  You see they live in North Carolina – I miss them so much.  I was hoping to go and see them for Christmas, but no money.  My grandson was the cutest.  I wanted to hold him so bad. 

I’m so afraid that I’m going to miss him growing up like I did my son.  I have been rejected all my life of the good things.  Being alone.  I’ve been feeling that it was my punishment and HE (my higher power) felt it wasn’t time for me.  I believe HE got me this job to get me healthy, I believe he led me to this stage of having my own business since it’s been my dream for a long time. I believe that HE put everything in my path to get to where I am now.  I believe that HE has some great things for me if I just follow my heart and intuition (Divine Intuition). 

I think it started with the book Dad gave me and the last drink.

I hope it is a new beginning.  I know it’s not going to be easy battling both the Bipolar and the addictions.  But I will keep reach for the better good and get rid of the bad that is standing in my way.  Pray – prayers do work. I know.

Bad Trip on Research Drug for Bipolar

I went to the research clinic yesterday like I do every Friday.  But this time it was different.  I was told they were pulling me from the study.  Be honest, I was relieved.  I had felt good on it and I had some close calls of hurting myself.  I felt drunk on it most of the time by tripping over items, running into tables just flat feeling drunk.  I got sick sometimes by getting acid reflux and throwing up.  By 3pm I’d be ready to go sleep.  I gained 3 pounds!  I did find out I was taking the real thing not the sugar pill.  I had a feeling since I was having such a rough time.  It did work as far as changing my drinking habits.  I’ve slowed down a lot so that was good.  The bad thing is they did a blood draw and my liver count went from 77 to over 100.  That wasn’t good.  The research decided to remove me from the study.

Darn just when I found something that would control my drinking habits.  Maybe it just wasn’t meant for me to do this.

They did give me a two-week supply of Lithium.  I asked them which drug was causing my enzymes to go up they didn’t have an answer, but still they’re giving more lithium.  My bipolar has settled a little.  I guess I will see what the next chapter in my life will lead.  I just know things need to improve.

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I Blew It!

I had such a wonderful weekend.  I kept myself calm and actually stayed away from the computer as much as possible and watched TV.  I’m addicted to my computer.  Having a EBay store makes you addicted.  I’m always trying new marketing tools, adding new items, research, etc.  There is always something to do.  However, I do enjoy it. 

I was proud of myself because I didn’t drink and when I don’t drink there is no smoke.  I ate well, made some jewelry, took pictures, etc.  It was really great.  I did stumble a little.  When I can’t find something that I know is around I get totally manic.  It drives me crazy!  I know it’s there, but where?  Did that big cockroach take it or did my dog hide it?  I don’t know.  I start going crazy talking to myself and I can feel my insides just churning!  I yell at my sweet dog.  And sometimes what I’m looking for is right in front of me.  I’m always loosing things.  I lost my prescription glasses and had to get to the store to get some readers. I lost my cellphone – that was crazy.   I had it just an hour ago and I know it’s here.  I start getting angry, I start sweating and mumbling to myself.  I know there’s a solution – got to be!

I finally called my mom,when I had a house phone, and told her that I thought my phone was in my car but I couldn’t find it.  I said, “Wait 5 minutes than call my cell.”  I ran down to the car and I heard the phone ringing. “Oh, my god!  It’s here!”  I looked and looked and it kept ringing and then suddenly right in front of my was my phone.  Right in front of me!  I accused the bogeyman of messing with me.

I got off the track on what this entry is about – sorry.

I had a good weekend – I slept great!   Then yesterday – I got this urge.  It wasn’t a urge to drink or smoke it was a urge to just go to the liquor store.  I bought the cheapest red wine.  I wasn’t even thinking really.  I went home and did my eBay thing and wrote.  Then about 6pm I said it was time to sit down and relax.  So I did.  But I didn’t really crave the wine, I just wanted to sit a relax.  Evidently, I associate the wine and smoking and being relaxed.  I need to come up with something else.  Any suggestions.

I feel asleep as usual and woke up at midnight then put myself to bed. 4:30am came rather earlier this morning.  I jumped up when the alarm went off because I needed to get gas, which I should of done yesterday and then go to the bank.  My head started to hurt from the cigarettes and felt a little nervous. 

Now, I’m drinking coffee and writing to you to confess my sins.  I will try to get back on track.  Tomorrow I go to the therapist at the research center and I’m going to confess to her also and ask why I do that.  It’s a bipolar thing.  Mind over matter.  I’m still on Lithium and I’m taking the research drug or sugar pill.  This research drug is suppose to stop the craving.  Hum…

I’ll keep writing today.  I have a work book that I believe I discussed earlier in my blogs that is very helpful and I see myself in a lot of the passages.  It’s concerning cognitive-therapy that I’m doing now at the research center.  The therapist and this book will help me see when my symptoms are appearing and how to control it.  I want to share some more of this.  Come back and talk to me.

By the way I actually wrote the recumbent bike for 30 minutes yesterday and my butt hurts!