Bipolar – Patty Duke is my Inspiration

I watched the Patty Duke show in my early years when she ran track in school on the Patty Duke show.  She was a fast runner in track and when she was at the starting line she could hear the beat of music, and know she could get to the finish line before anyone else. 

Like Patty Duke in her show, I ran track myself and used the same principle.  I knew if I just focused on the finish line and forget who was around me  I could do anything.  I could reach the finish line before anyone else. Running was the one run thing I knew how to do.  Learning Math or English were not.

In 1968, while in High School my disabilities were more noticeable especially in English and Math.  My parents knew I had a problem, but at that time, didn’t know what ADD or Bipolar were.   I just thought I was stupid.   Even the teachers made me feel stupid so needless to say I lacked self-esteem.  I could read a page and by the time I’d got to the end the information had cleared my memory.  Math gave me anxiety – could not understand it nor did I want to.  I feared math so much I wouldn’t take th TASP to enter college.

Over the years I knew there was something wrong with me.  My grammar and speech were different and was joked about.  I couldn’t keep a relationship, because they thought I was crazy.  In my later years – 40’s – 50’s, I couldn’t keep a job.  The illness just got stronger – anger, memory problems, confusion, fatigue, and hallucinations.  I always thought people were talking behind my back and would confront them with anger leading to dismissal.  I couldn’t understand what was happening – I’d always been told by my boss  I was the greatest.  I was good at my job and always got projects done on time.  What happen to that person?

I don’t understand why I got Bipolar other than what I’ve read – inheriting from someone in your family.  Lately, I don’t remember things like buying something online and it showing up at my front door. Buying something at the store and finding it later wondering where it came from. I could lay something down like glasses and go to pick them and their not there.  I’d go crazy looking for them.  Then when I looked in the place where I thought I left them they would appear like magic.  WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’m trying to figure out a system that will keep me out of trouble.  There’s one thing I don’t want to forget and that’s picking up my little black Pomeranian at the airport on Saturday.  He has been my angel through many bad times.

Like Patty Duke, I have Bipolar.  She seeked medical treated and is doing very well today.  That is why she is my inspiration.  If I could meet one person in my life it would be Patty.  I would love to sit down and talk about Bipolar and ask questions.  I have a lot.  If I could talk to Patty Duke it would be one of my dreams I could check off my list.  Love you Patty. 

Visit:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/patty-duke-bipolar-disorder.html

http://www.pattyduke.net/blog/index.php

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Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.

Bipolar & Alcoholism – Chance At A New Life Don’t Blow It

Sunrise at Wrightsville Beach NC

I moved to Wilmington, NC from living in Dallas, TX for 58 years.   The change was decided so I could be  near my son and grand children.  I’m a recovering alcoholic with Bipolar, ADD, and have been sober since April 2009.  

After the last bit of luggage was laid inside the front door of my charming new cottage sudden loneliness set in.  If you have been following me you would know that I have been taking care of my parents for two years who are 84 and both have Alzheimer’s. Before that I’d been living alone for more than 30 years since my divorce.  During those years I was also living as a person with Bipolar, ADD, and a drinking problem called alcoholism.

This move was a dream of mine and it still is.  I’ve just had some stumbles the last few days since I got here.  Unfortunately, there’s a grocery store across the street that carries beer and wine.  Not unfortunate for some,  but for me it’s easy access for my addictions.  I nust take it a day at a time.

I bought groceries on my first day and yes I bought a bottle of wine.  I wish my son had said something like, “Mom do you think that’s a good thing to do.”  He didn’t.   I enjoyed the wine, but I did not enjoy the morning after as well as the next morning.  Yes, two evenings in a roll.   That’s going to have to change. Especially, with diabetes as well.

Drinking wine keeps me from doing the things I enjoy and that’s reading, writing, research, painting, and photography.  That’s whole reason coming to the East Coast was to find my true self again.  And I will.  God  made this dream come true so I don’t won’t to disappoint him.  He spoke to me and said it was time to find out who I am.  I had followed my intuition for the last two-years and Gods words to get here.

I must consider this as a set back and not be hard on myself.   I’ll pick myself up and dust off the old memories and start anew. I was given this new chance and  new life to spend it with my son and to be a grandma.  It has been my dream for years.  I have a 1 and 3 year  who are loves of my life.  I screwed upmy past life I’m not going to mess of mynew  life.  From this day on no drinking.

Not only is drinking bad for your liver it’s not good for Bipolar.  That’s one of the reasons I drank – to stop the pain of Bipolar.  I’ve learned that you need to deal with your Bipolar to become stronger.

Moving to Wilmington, NC is going to be my new life and new lifted spirit to learn who I am.   I will be writing about my new life in a new blog coming soon.  Also, I will be writing my results from weaning myself off Effexor, the worse drug I’ve ever taken.  I’ve gone from 75  mg to 35 mg and next week I will taper down to 30 mg.  If that’s too much I’ll change to 32 mg.  Whatever it takes to get off this devilish pill I will do. That’s all need is to withdraw from Effexor and Wine at the same time.  WOW!  Put me in the Hospital!

My story on my new life will be coming soon to a new blog near you>>>

Effexor: Doctors Didn’t Tell Me – The Horrible Side Effects/Withdrawals

Guardian Angel Watches Over Me

 

First, I want to say I’m having a little trouble seeing.  My eyes are blurring and can’t see my computer screen very well.  My brain skips a little and tries to go on vacation when I’m typing.  So forgive me with the bad spelling and grammar.  I not good at it anyway, but it might be worse.

 

Second, WHY! didn’t the doctors tell me about the horrible side effects of this drug Effexor?  Are they not allowed to per the drug company.  What if a person dies or commits suicide, because someone didn’t warn her or him about the bad withdrawal effects?  I’d like to hear why. 

On with my day – Today was a terrible day.  I didn’t take my  Effexor this morning, and that wasn’t a good idea. I became a tyrant. I chewed the bank lady out and threatened to close my account.  I almost screamed at this lady for parking her cart in front of me causing me to almost run into it. If anyone crossed me I was ready for action. Manic comes quickly, my head starting hurting, stomach became nausea, just felt  awful.  I was out trying to shop a little and I had to stop everything and go home and get in bed.  My eyes became sensitive to light so I turn it off, covered my head with a blanket, and rested for a while.  I took the half of Effexor I’ve narrowed myself down to. I’m not sure how it will affect me tonight since it’s time release.  When I take it in the morning I up most of the night.

Having bipolar is not easy if your taking medications.  I sometimes wonder how I would do without them. But then I remember how I was before I started taking Lithium. I was on several antidepressants but didn’t like any of them.   I mean the Lithium has been good for the Bipolar, and the Effexor XR  is for depression and anxiety.  I was diagnosed with stong mania so this drug really makes it worse. To me it causes more anxiety which initiates my manic-depressive.  I  don’t know about you – but why take something that makes your symptoms worse? The doctor told me it might help with ADHD.  That would be nice.  She forgot to tell me about the side effects/withdrawals.

I’m torn between getting off of Effexor X R or just take a very low dose.  I was taking 75 mg and now I just half the capsule.  The last count was 30 grains. 

I’ve been reading other people comments on WiseGeek.  You need to read it.  I had no idea what brain shivers or zapping was until I read it.  They are part of the withdrawal symptoms.

I’ll check later on my spelling and grammer – got to go now.

Bipolar: Back on my own again

 

My Guardian Angel - Astar

I’m taking a giant step in a few weeks.  I’m moving to North Carolina after living with my folks for two years taking care of the who have Alzheimer’s.  Doctors tell me I need to take care of me.  At the same time I’m slowing going to ween myself off Effexor XR.   I don’t know what’s worse the drug or going through security at the airport and being manhandled.  The last time I went they frisked me.  I did not like. My bipolar really kicks in at the airports.  I get mad…..I tried to maintain myself.

Anyway, the lord must be working his ways in me.  I have asked for this dream for a long time.  Since I’ve learned how to use my intuition I’ve learned how to work the rules.  I was looking for a cottage on Carolina Beach.  I had put an ad  on Facebook and boom not even a day went by when I contacted about a nice 3 bedroom cottage near the beach. All furnished only $675 a month!  I couldn’t believe it.  That’s about half of what I get from social security disability payments.  I just have to sell a lot of sunglasses and other product. 

While I am in Wilmington, NC , I was going to look for a permanent place to live.  My son, two grand babies live there and I want to watch them grow up before I get too old.  I’ve always wanted to be grandma and be close to my son. He’s my  only child and I need to be close to him.

Then a surprising thing happen. The same lady that I’m renting the cottage from called me to let me know they bought a house in the middle of town and  will be fixing it up just like their other houses and the rent will be the same or less.  It’s near the bus stop since I will have no car.

So far it looks good.  My life has never looked this good. I’m witing for the punch line I guess.  I just pray my Bipolar and weening myself from Effexor when be taken care of god since I’m putting him in charge of this.

Bipolar & ADHD: I tried, failed and it’s okay

Relax and Breathe

Yes,  my attempt failed.  When I take on a project it’s a challenge for me.  I decided I wanted to have my own website with a store and shopping cart to sell my sunglasses.  I’m tired of paying fees to eBay, and  felt I should at least try. I worked on it for two weeks until 2 or 3 am in the morning.  My mania was kicking in.  I think it’s my medication. On with the story.

Once, I told myself that I would never quit anything again. I remember my father telling me as I was growing up through my teens that I always quit. I never finish anything.   My dad was a very negative person and  had a way of making me feel like I could never do anything. I could never understand why he did that to me.

I use to be quick at everything I did.  I had a boss, Siva who was my mentor.  Siva was from Malaysia and our cultures were a lot different and we had  a discussion about it, because I was going crazy.  I told him I wasn’t someone you could push around, and we are equals.  He laughed.

One day he came up to me and said he needed a slide presentation on PowerPoint done  by the next morning.  I looked up at him and said, “What?”  I’ve never used PowerPoint, and to include graphics?  He just looked at me and said,” It’s time to learn.”  Where do I start?  While he was getting everything together I started reading about PowerPoint.  I worked on the presentation until it was time for the charts.  I went to Siva and told him there was no way I could do the charts.   “Yes you can, he said.  How are you going to know if you can do it unless you tried?  You don’t give up.”

I didn’t know what I was going to do!  I didn’t have time to really learn  just what I needed to know.  On the way to my desk I noticed the gentleman in the booth next to me working on a chart.  I faced humility and ask him for help.  I if he could just show me the basics on how to create a chart with graphics, I’ll attempt the rest.   I had him send me a copy of what he was doing so I could look at it.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.  It was unbelievable!   Siva said, “See you did it.  You didn’t give up and found a way to get the job done.   How do you feel?”  I said, “I feel great as a matter a fact.”  I really did, I was very proud of myself, and so was he.  The next morning after the presentation he came to me and said in the meeting that morning people came up to him telling him the slides look greated.  My boss, actually told them that I did it.  He was very proud. We became very close.   Unfortunately, layoffs occurred and we lost touch. However, I still remember – “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Since, I got sicker and sicker until I finally came out of denial to seek help.  I finally found the right combination of medication – Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Lorespam.  I have some side effects from the Effexor – I’m not hungry as much,  I get a little anxiety in the evening, and I have more energy.  The pill is time release so it works more in the evening.

I gave up on the website I was doing  – I was staying up every night until the wee hours of the morning.  I didn’t want to stop – I had to get it done.  Then, I had a talk with myself – Vickie, this is not healthy.  It’s causing anxiety and stress and it’s not worth it.  That’s right it’s not and decided to try something else, slowly.  I’ve always jumped right into something without thinking about it.  It’s doesn’t hurt to give up on something when it causes stress.   But, spending money on things when you get this notion want to try something new stop and think, research, and see if  it’s really something you really can do.   I think it would have been wrong to make myself sick over something that I really could not do.   

I’ll come up with something.  I aways do.  Just Do Your Best!  Just because you have bipolar doesn’t mean the end of  things.  Pick something you’ve been wanting to do and try.  It’s okay to fail.

Bipolar: Side Effects of Effexor

II’ve been reading about the side effects of the antidepressant Effexor XR. I wasn’t very impressed.  In fact, it scared me.  I stopped abruptly taking Zoloft, because the pharmacy would not refill my prescription until I saw my doctor, and I wouldn’t be seeing her for about 9 days.  Gosh, I was so mad about that!  How could they allow me to stop cold turkey. It’s dangerous!  The withdrawals were terrible!  I had dizziness as if my brain was turning over and over even when I was driving.

This is how I felt!

I got an appointment with the doctor and I told her about the Zolft, and she was a little pissed off.  She immediately call the pharmacy.  She told me she was taking me off the Zoloft since I’d been off of it any way, and to try Effexor.  I wasn’t told about any side effects or what would happen if I got off of it.  Then I read other people’s view on Effexor.  I was horrified!  However, I must say it effects every one differently. I’ve had more energy, positive attitude, more mentally challenged, less appetite, creative, and I’m exercising.  Another side effect I’m having is insomnia.  I just don’t want to go to sleep.  I’ll keep a close watch and write in my blog when I have different side effects.

 My little dog had made a terrible mess of himself.  In other words – he stunk!  I put him in the tub and this was very hard on me. I had to sit on my knees, and I have bad knees. Hurt!  Boy do they hurt!   I was getting so out of breathe and started to feel shaky.   When I stood up I became disoriented my hands and body were trembling.  I had to sit down and put my head between my knees – I was feeling faint.  It took a lot for me to get to my bed.  I was deep breathing and still trembling all over.  It was scaring me.

 The time was 1:00 pm and realized I hadn’t taken my medication.  I called out to my mom for help and asked for some orange juice.  I thought my sugar may too low. I’m a little over the diabetic number.  I drank some orange juice and took my medicine and laid still for a few minutes.  I also took an anxiety pill.  I heard anxiety could cause the shaking.

After about 30 minutes I started to feel a little better, but I have know  idea what it was.  Was I having side effects from Effexor, anxiety, stroke or a heart attack?  All I know right now is I’m alive.  I’ll continue taking the Effexor and hope it wasn’t the axe that fell on me. It’s taken so long to find the right combination.  I pray this will be it.

 I’d like to hear from others who are or have taken Effexor