Finding Peace

Living with Parkinson’s is very difficult. You don’t know from day to day how your going to feel. I use to be able to make plans, jump out of bed and out the door in a moments notice. I use to go go.

I loved traveling with my camera and looking for the road to a beautiful place. I enjoyed socializing and meeting to people. Now I’m afraid of what they see when they at me.

I had a very interesting life. I stayed single after my horrible marriage not wanting to get in the same situation. It’s a scarry thought of dying alone. I want to fix a way to enjoy the rest of my life.

Where’s Sleep

I’ve been sleepless. Why?  I just don’t want to to to sleep.  I spend too much time on the computer, I think.  I’ve been having

In Fear We Hide Within Ourselves

In Fear We Hide Within Ourselves

these bad dreams that the ISIS came and captured us and sent us to camps. How scary.  Too much violence.

So maybe that’s why I don’t go to sleep.  It’s out of fear.

Intuition – Gut Feelings

When I get these gut feelings that’s telling me not to do something I’ve learned to listen to it.  I remember when I was going through

My Guardian Angel - Astar

My Guardian Angel – Astar

hard times before I finally went on medications, I was doing stupid things and making crazy decisions.

I started researching why I was doing the things I’m doing, i.e. drinking, constantly dropping items,  going places I shouldn’t, participating in activities that were no good for me.  Making decisions is another problem I have.  I’d rather someone else make  decisions or even shop for me.

I’ve pick the wrong guys all my life – if I’d listen to my intuition I would have never gotten myself in those situations.  Recently,  I was supposed to go to an event that was 1 hour away down a long country road.  That road is dark and scary, especially, when I can’t see in the dark.  I had gone to rehearsal one night and coming home I was so terrified.  The darkness engulfed me to the point of being panic-stricken.  My hands were so red from gripping the steering wheel, and I ran off the road at some point.

My intuition was telling me not to go the event.  It was a gut-wrenching feeling so I decided not to go.  I feared that something would happen if I had gone.  I was sad I didn’t go to the event, but I felt a lot safer.  I’m hoping my guardian angel has returned.

Mind Games Or Bipolar?

Mind Games

Mind Games

Do you ever feel like your mind is playing games with you?  Do you think people are talking about you behind your back?  How about lying to you?   Blatantly, I don’t trust anyone.

Presently, I’m talking to my therapist that I do trust, because I’m paying her, to help me with these mind games.   I lost all my confidence in life because I’ve never actually been loved by anyone that truly cares for me. Of course, my immediate family and child do.  My marriage was a shamble and my relationships were abusive.  I don’t trust anything someone tells me..  I feel like I’m disliked when I’m not.  It’s a miserable world when everyday I feel this way.  I would like a relationship with a man.  But how if I don’t believe him or trust him?   If I’m not around people I don’t have to worry what people think or say or how to act. Is this anti-social?

I’m no fearful of being hurt I don’t allow myself to let someone in my heart.  I protect myself by not putting myself out there.  When I meet a man I try to think of everything that can be  wrong with him – then I want like him.

My mind is keeping me from being in a loving relationship with someone.  My mind is causing issues with my friends and family.  Could this be the bipolar causing my problems.  Will I ever stop feeling this way.  How to I get confidence again.

Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.  It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.  I was a little fearful, but made it.  I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.  I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.  My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t  function those hours.  Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of just not getting it, and that I would be to fat (I’m not).  I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.  Mainly, no self-confidence.   I made myself do it.  I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.  I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.  I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.  I did find someone to ask then things got better.  I didn’t know anyone.  This made it a little more scary.  I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.  I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.   I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me understand the directions or even hear them. (I have bad hearing)  I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something. If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que.  I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you I learned.  For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.  It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.  I’ve missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.  But now I’m fighting back.  I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill your life. They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.  I also added a couple of new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

My Fear Kept Me From Reaching My Dreams

In Fear We Hide Within Ourselves

I’ve lived in fear most of my life.  I was fearful in my abusive marriage, and I feared getting a divorce.  I was scared of raising my son on my own.

I raised my son until he was 9 years old.  I became ill and had a hard time taking care of him. So I made the decision of letting my son go live Dad.  I feared his dad, because he had abused me when we were married.  Not only did I feel fear, but anger as well.  It worked out being a good decision letting my son go. I felt terrible quilt and feared he may get mad at me for letting him go.

I moved on taking care of my illness to the point I almost lost my life. The doctor’s said I shouldn’t have survived.  I felt God was there and decided it wasn’t my time – he had more work for me to do.

I had so many dreams, but mostly for my son to do well with his life.  However, without him I felt so lost and lonely. I wanted to fulfill my dreams and I had a long road a  head of me.  I wanted to have my own little business, grand children, a cottage on the beach, my health to be stable, and photography.

I studied intuition and learned how to use it.  If you want to be free of fear you need to move on with your life and put trust into God’s hands.  We use fear to protect ourselves, but it’ also holding you back from your dreams.  The only way to pursue your dreams is to step beyond your limits of your fears.  Having fear is being afraid to fail.  Having fear prevented me from reaching my dreams. 

Now, I have moved on.  I still have fears, but I’m not afraid to take risks.  I have God in my corner and I listen to my intuitions.  Hint:  Intuition – the voice you hear when your trying to make a decision. Your hearing a voice say “go with door #1”, but you go with the 2nd door.  You should have listen – door #2 was the wrong choice. 

Fear has a way of controlling your thoughts not allowing you to move forward in life. Break the seal and move out of your comfort zone.  It’s the only way to fulfill your dreams and be successful.