Bipolar & ADD: I Tend to Isolate

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar.  I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything.   There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia.  I’m doom.

I don’t want to feel alone.  Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life.  I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember.  I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people.  What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk?  I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors.  It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends?  Not one true friend.

I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me.  I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t  put myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong.  Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean. 

An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my  son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong.  He’s my only son so it makes it even worse.  I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.

This is just the beginning of catching up.  Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.

I’m open to any suggestions or comments. 🙂

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Citalofram

Who Am I

Who Am I

I’ve been struggling a lot.  The doctor kept changing my medications, as well as I ran out of meds and couldn’t get them refilled.  I take Citalopram as my Antidepressant and Lithium for my Bipolar.  I had run out of the medication, but I thought it was my high blood pressure medication I was out of.  So for over a week in a half I didn’t realize I was going through bad withdrawals until I figure out  it was the Citalopram, I was out of.   I immediately called my doctor, but couldn’t get in until 3 more days.

I saw my doctor and she couldn’t believe I had forgotten to take my pills.  I said well you know I was so screwed up.  I didn’t know my head from my butt, at the time.  Not only did she refill my prescription she increased the dosage to 30 mg.  Then she told me she was concerned I was not getting enough Lithium in my system on one a day.  So she told me to take 3 600 mg a day, which I felt was too much.  This was new doctor and didn’t tell her that I had tried 3x’s a day and the outcome was miserable.

After a couple of days of taking Lithium 3x’s a day I started getting the shakes so bad I couldn’t hold a glass, my head was feeling light, and my stomach was sickly.   I just can’t take more than two a day.   Instead of the 3 I now take two a day and feel a little better.  With all the changes in medications and dosages no wonder my body and mind go through so many changes.  One of these days I hope to feel normal without worrying who I am the next day.

 

Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I  go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a compulsive spending rampage.    The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.  Today, I looked at it.  I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.  My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.  This crunched me.  I really do forget to watch my money.  I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.  I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.    I just hate dealing with it.   If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.  and I eat out a lot.   My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Whose Moving My Purse? Stealing My Paper?

This morning was a crazy morning!  My manic depression or  mania or Dementia really got me.  I did not know where my head was – I looked and looked for it.  This morning started by going out in the chilling freezing air to get the paper for my mom.   I tossed it on the chair in her room and went about my business.  She yelled, “I can’t find it!” “It’s on the chair mom!”  About that time I looked down and there it was on my bed under some junk.   I don’t remember bringing the paper to my room.

Another weird episode – I had sold some turquoise beads on the Internet and of course I was excited.    I knew they were still at my apartment –  where –  I don’t know since I have been packing, and stuff is just scattered all over the place.  I went home searched the place from top to bottom.  Boy did the mania kick in – Okay Mr. Ghost, Spirit whoever, where are my beads?  I’m tired of losing things and I’m tired of you taking them.  Yes, I’m crazy, but I have to blame someone.

I finally just gave up and took a step and deep breath back and went to the house.  The next morning I was asked if I had found the beads.  “No, I didn’t.”  Suddenly I heard a whisper in my mind “Check the on the dresser.”  I walked in my room and there on the dresser was my decorated box and it all came back that I had transferred my supplies into that box.  Wow, stupid, stupid!  Needless to say I sent the beads to the buyer at  no charge since it was a inconvenience for her.  My fault not hers.  Why does this keep happening to me?

The spacey forgetfulness is getting worse.  Today, I kept passing the turns and exits on the road.

I feel that I have so much going on in my head about moving into my folks home to take care of them and leaving my independent home.  I will no longer have my space.

Talking about strange.  At one time, my mom would at no price let my dog (Pomeranian) come into the house.  Of course, with the situation as it was she knew the dog would have to come.  No way was I giving him away!   The unexplained truth?  She now loves my dog!   If he was to boop or tear up the trash she would say. “Well, he’s bored.”   HA!

Mom cries a lot with daddy in the nursing home – she had a crying spell right before I got home.  She then started to cry and tell me “You know what? cry, cry…your dog heard me crying and he came in here and set right by me with his little head looking up at me and then laid his head down.  He cared….cry… cry…!  I will never be able to take that dog away from here.  My how things can change in an instant.

I wonder if anything happens to anyone else out there – Do you hear whispers?  I’ve been told that it’s actually intuition and that it’s God whispering let you know what to do.  Just listen to him.

What causes  a person to just totally forget something.?  Could it be the bipolar, or maybe I’m getting Dementia like my parents.  Does it run in the family?  Heredity?