Does God Have a Plan

Solitude

Solitude

I always wonder why I was dealt a raw hand.  It seems all  my life nothing really good has come out of it.  Exceptions – my son, my dog, my camera and now the beach.  My high school years was a struggle because of my ADD and Bipolar that I didn’t  know I had because no one knew what it was back in the 60’s and 70’s.

Jobs? I had a lot of them.  My first real job was a well-known oil and gas company.    It was good until I started having black outs leading to very high blood pressure. I got on some good meds for it. But I also got involved with the wrong people and started drinking and drugging and then got fired from that job.

I got out of that phase and then was lucky to land several great jobs for the next 10 years until my depression hit again. My 5 year relationship ended after 5 years and  my son went into the army for 6 years. I thought my world had come to an end.

I was having trouble in my jobs – I was losing things, my grammar and writing were terrible, and I flew off my handle easily. Supervisors would keep complaining and put me on notice. I could understand what was going on.  But I got to the point I didn’t care. I would drink to make everything go away.  This continue until I wanted to end  my life.  However, I didn’t.  I had intervention. I searched for help for my depression and I found out other things about me.

That was the start of god coming into my life.  That’s when I started listening to my intuition and realized it was actually god whispering in my ears.  That’s when god was using others as a vessel to talk to me   God saved my life many times. But I still wonder why I have bad luck. After being alone for 50 years you would think I would meet someone.  I moved so often.  In fact just recently, I was told to leave from a very nice cottage on the beach that I thought was the one for me.  I was depressed and didn’t know where I was going to go.  I prayed for a miracle and it came. Within a day, I got an email from a lady wanting a roommate in a two-story beach house.  I keep asking God when is the testing going to stop – when are you going to let me settle? I think He is searching for the right place that will  for the plans he has for me. We were placed on this earth for a reason and one and I’m slowing see the picture.  I just hope it happens before I leave this earth.

I can only live from day-to-day because I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  I feel like a vagabond.

PLEASE IGNORE MY GRAMMAR AN SPELLING – BAD HANDICAP I HAVE.

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My Best Is Ahead

Tonight I’m feeling really old.  I went to a rehearsal for a fashion show, and had to climb a flight of stairs up and down, up and down.   I don’t like being different from I use to me.  I use to be 125 pounds and active.  Now I’m 62, and 155 lbs, and not as active and  everything hurts.

I haven’t done has much exercise because of the cold and icy days.  But I do get on the floor and stretch and do sit ups.  However, when I sit a while it takes anchors to get me up.  My legs and feet hurt!  Why do I hurt?  Why do I have to be old.

Don’t dismay I tell myself – it’s going to be Spring soon, and I will be more active and get into better shape.  But now just rest and be ready.  Do not be hard on yourself my child it’s only the beginning of something great that I have in store for you.  You are going to  be the best at what you do.  Your going to create something magnificent.  The best is ahead. These are my words.

Man was that powerful.  I do believe it was God who spoke those words.  I do believe.

Best of My Life New Year 2011

My New Year started off really great.  I had my family with me – son, daughter-in-law and two grand children. This is new for me because I have been alone most of my life.  Alone on holidays, birthdays, mother’s days, alone in a single room suffering from bipolar and alcoholism.  Now, God has given me a second chance, and now I’ll get it all.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been out on New Years Eve.  I use to sit on the corner of my red stained couch, fouled smell smokey apartment and drink and usually I was passed out before midnight.  I didn’t go out only to th grocery and liquor store.  No relationships of any kind.  No one every came to see me.  I was alone and no one knew what I was going through.  I just knew I was in pain.

Now, for the time in years I went out on New Years Eve.  The evening couldn’t have been more perfect. I was with my son, daughter-in-law, and my loving  grand children. We went out to eat to a really fun place across from the beach.  Afterwards, we walked along the boardwalk, and beach.  It was absolutely beautiful!   The weather had cleared up allowing for the perfect evening. The boardwalk was lit up with Christmas lights and music transposing a very festive atmosphere.  We could hear the sound of the waves hitting the sandy banks. When you looked up the sky was a glowing dark midnight blue with the brightest stars you have ever seen.  In fact, it’s the first time I’ve seen the Big Dipper, planets and stars in a long time. There was one star that stood out from the rest.  The star was the largest and brightest and was pulsating as if it was alive.  I don’t know why – I felt a calm come all over me. I knew who it was. I just smiled and nodded and said thank you. 🙂

Bipolar-Making Decisions Is Tough

Everything happens all at once & for a reason.  The girl who wanted me to move in as a roommate in North Carolina suddenly changed her mine.  Wow, it changed all my plans of going too. I  hate that, and at the time I hated her.  But that wasn’t nice.  You know you’re excited  you have it all planned and then BAM!  It all changes.  I had already purchased my one way ticket now what?

That night,  I prayed about it.  So what should I do Lord, Guardian Angel?  Should I still go?   Please come to me while I’m sleep and please help me make a decision.  When I woke up the decision was made and I got right on it. This is why I believe in the power of prayer.  My dreams are so real and I believe in them.  You have to believe in something.

I had already purchased my ticket for North Carolina on the basis I I would be moving there.  So, I decided I wanted to see my son and grand babies anyway, and I would love to go to the beach so – I decided I was going.  Next, I purchased a return ticket home. Wow what a trip! It was actually cheaper that way.  Yea, I’m bipolar I do things different – It’s a circle.   We run circles around ourself  trying to decide what to do.

I get so tired of trying to make the right decision, or even a decision, because  I’m afraid to make a wrong one.  Just like the place on the beach.  It might be a run down shack.  But I did it and that in itself is a miracle for me.  I still ask myself if was the right thing to do, but I’m not going to change.

This place I found is right on the beach. However, there was no web site for it.  I just went by the reviews I found. The pictures were nice.  A nice two bedroom room with kitchen, living room,  and a room with bunk beds.  If I get tired of the queen I’ll jump in the bunk beds.  Who knows!  There was a nice balcony looking over the ocean and the pier with lines of nice yachts and boats.  I mean this place is right on the beach. I’m keeping it. Well, I will email them and make sure they give me a room with a view.

It might be a rag, but you know, I don’t care. But I did read the reviews and everyone seem to be happy.  It’s one of those places that is owned by a small company and doesn’t need to advertise.  It’s right on the beach!  I know I said that!

Having bipolar is hard.  It’s hard to concentrate and my memory seems to be lacking lately.  I have a hard time making decisions. Should I?  Is this the right place, day, time?  I CAN’T MAKE UP MY MINE!  That’s actually a daily occurrence. But, I keep trying.

Never stop trying.  I know it’s frustrating.  Your mad and angry.  But just stop and say it’s okay and take a deep breath.  You’re not the only one out there with this condition.   You just have to get on medication, the right medication.  If you slack it’s not going to do you any good.   You need support.  If you don’t write to me I’ll be your friend.  We all need friends.  I was alone at first.  I became my best friend and so can you.