Intuition – Gut Feelings

When I get these gut feelings that’s telling me not to do something I’ve learned to listen to it.  I remember when I was going through

My Guardian Angel - Astar

My Guardian Angel – Astar

hard times before I finally went on medications, I was doing stupid things and making crazy decisions.

I started researching why I was doing the things I’m doing, i.e. drinking, constantly dropping items,  going places I shouldn’t, participating in activities that were no good for me.  Making decisions is another problem I have.  I’d rather someone else make  decisions or even shop for me.

I’ve pick the wrong guys all my life – if I’d listen to my intuition I would have never gotten myself in those situations.  Recently,  I was supposed to go to an event that was 1 hour away down a long country road.  That road is dark and scary, especially, when I can’t see in the dark.  I had gone to rehearsal one night and coming home I was so terrified.  The darkness engulfed me to the point of being panic-stricken.  My hands were so red from gripping the steering wheel, and I ran off the road at some point.

My intuition was telling me not to go the event.  It was a gut-wrenching feeling so I decided not to go.  I feared that something would happen if I had gone.  I was sad I didn’t go to the event, but I felt a lot safer.  I’m hoping my guardian angel has returned.

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

When Is It Enough? Guardian Angel For Help!

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) Native American Guardian Angel

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) My Guardian Angel

No, I’m not trying to be weird.  My background heritage is Native American on both sides of my family.  I share their religious beliefs.  I actually think it helps me.

About 6 months or more ago my father fell  and ended in the hospital almost comatose for a week – he did not know where or who he was.  Then, he was in the nursery home for 3 months.  My mom can’t drive so my time was spent driving back and forth from the hospital everyday.  When he came home I fed him and took care of him until he felt, well, he said he felt better. He wasn’t.  He had develop Dementia/Alzheimer’s – He was a totally different person. To him, I was the black sheep.  I couldn’t do anything right. He blamed me for everything that went wrong.  Even stealing his money.  I had to go through that and handle my bipolar at the same time.  All I did was cry.  I’m crying again.

Recently, I had a wreck.  I was lost at the time and was very confused and got distracted so BAM – I hit someone.  I’m also going through bankruptcy.   You’ll laugh at this.  My car was going to be repossessed so I decided to file bankruptcy so they couldn’t take my car.  HA!  They can have it now!

I wonder how much I can take?

We took dad to he hospital again two days ago.  The doctors told us that he had a blood clot on his foot.  They’re not sure if it’s from the Stroke he suffered while in the nursing home, or his heart.  They’ll be doing some test tomorrow to find out.  The doctor told me today that his Alzheimer’s/Dementia has escalated.  This did not thrill me.

What does this mean? I’ll be losing my life.

I need medical attention myself.  My right foot is painful to walk on.  I had bunion surgery and they found a cyst in the joint of my big toe.  Now, I have developed osteoarthritis where it’s  painful to walk barefooted.  I have to use a cane to walk.

When is there enough?

Today, I had terrible bipolar thoughts going through my mind.  I actually said, why don’t you just fall in the hallway here in the hospital and let someone take care of you.  It was a thought only.

I have to do what I got to do.  I say the Serenity Prayer and then I  ask God to please help me and guide me through this ordeal.

June 22, 2008 – Struggling

Why do I do it?  I wish someone could answer that for me.  I got off work yesterday after a great day at work.  Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax.   The answer was to go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine.  Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette. It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was convincing myself that it was okay since I don’t work today. My liver didn’t say okay, my blood pressure didn’t say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.

I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine.  As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking.  Evidentially, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and pour another drink.  I did that all the way up to 5:30am this morning.  I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my Sunday paper.  But, I didn’t stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes.  Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit?    I want touch neither the rest of today. 

Before I broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces.  My mind keeps saying I’ll never quit, but my heart wants to.  I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don’t understand all of this.  What can I do?  I hate it!  I want to be normal whatever that is.

I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry.  I’m good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner.  I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking.  Maybe somewhere inside of me I’m feeling down because business hasn’t been good.  The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy.  I hate what is going on and I HATE what I’m doing.

I need to feel successful.  But would that make me stop the madness?  I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness.  I don’t think before I leap. I just do it.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I’m doing great, but then it’s not.

I’m rambling, because I have been up all night.  But I had to get this off my chest.  For those out there that do the same thing – this is not fun.  This is not the way to live your life.  I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I’m making stupid decisions.  I need help.  I need a friend.  Are there any friends out there?  Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger?  I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t wait to get out.  I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray.  I think that might be part of the problem, I’m lonely.  I’m a great person in a sad women’s body.  HELP!

I must remind you.  I have been up all night and my writing stinks!