Lucky With with God

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Being lucky is what I feel.   I  accepted GOD into my life by being baptized again not long ago.  I was feeling lost, and nothing seem to be going right.  Actually, I’ve felt lost most of my life.  

But, I decided no more.  Even though Arthritis and Neuropathy has taken over my live.  I’m unbalanced, can’t walk without stumbling, and in extreme pain all the time. My memory and vertigo is intolerable. Then I said, “I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore.”  The doctors didn’t seem to care. They tell me, “I don’t know.”  Or, “It’s not in my job description.”  I asked God for help, and he answered by giving me strength.

I’m trying to walk more, by not using my cane.  I stretch and exercise more. I have delved into learning how to paint.  Luck has it, I got accepted into a art show, asked to photograph a fashion show, and I feel stronger.

Acceptance

Rose-antiquesigThere are many things that happen in our life that aren’t fair – illness, or injury.  Accepting these situations means focusing your strength and energy on letting go of yourself to God, and he’ll see you through the hard times,  Or let the anger, frustration, sadness and self-pity destroy you.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight.

–Proverbs 3:5-6

My Best Is Ahead

Tonight I’m feeling really old.  I went to a rehearsal for a fashion show, and had to climb a flight of stairs up and down, up and down.   I don’t like being different from I use to me.  I use to be 125 pounds and active.  Now I’m 62, and 155 lbs, and not as active and  everything hurts.

I haven’t done has much exercise because of the cold and icy days.  But I do get on the floor and stretch and do sit ups.  However, when I sit a while it takes anchors to get me up.  My legs and feet hurt!  Why do I hurt?  Why do I have to be old.

Don’t dismay I tell myself – it’s going to be Spring soon, and I will be more active and get into better shape.  But now just rest and be ready.  Do not be hard on yourself my child it’s only the beginning of something great that I have in store for you.  You are going to  be the best at what you do.  Your going to create something magnificent.  The best is ahead. These are my words.

Man was that powerful.  I do believe it was God who spoke those words.  I do believe.

Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.

 

 

 

 

ADHD and Adderall

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the lit...

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the literature (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I finally got medication for my ADHD  that I’ve had when I was in school since 1970.  It’s amazing that a doctor who I’ve been visiting for my bipolar finally said I needed treatment for ADHD.  I asked my parents why I was never treated for ADHD and my mom told told me there was so such thing as ADHD back in the 70’s.  I remember being very frustrated, because I couldn’t figure out Math or English.  I was great in biology and gym and that was it.  I started having the attitude that if I just pass I’d be happy.  I started to hate school and wished I never had to go back. Why not just not quit?

I did graduate by a slight grade.  I never went to college, because I had to do math all over again but first I would need to take TASP, and knew I would fail.  However, I did take photojournalism, writing and basic photography and did pretty well.  I couldn’t go any further until I took the TASP so I never went to college.

I did have some really great jobs in my past – major advertising agency, national magazine, and an international makeup company. But for some  reason things started getting worse as I got older.  I’d get confused easily, organization was difficult, misplace things, forget things, and get angry easy.  My behavior was defensive and didn’t like people telling me I did something wrong.  I would become irritated and angry. I was always a top-notch administrative assistant – when someone would tell me I did something wrong the world would end.

It got to the point with my Bipolar and my ADHD  I could no longer maintain a job..  So what was I to do?   I decided to look into social security disability.   I was checked out and was decided I could no longer work. And I can’t! I tried it – if I tried to use a cash register I would have a panic attack.  If I tried to use a phone with too many lines – I would have a panic attack. Not only was it ADHD – I had Bipolar as well including a chronic terminal disease.

My doctor prescribed Adderall and I took the dosage she gave me, which was one in the morning and 1/2 at 1pm.  I did that for a week and went crazy!  It was like being on speed like I took back in the 70’s!  I hated it.  I almost chewed my tongue off!  Also, I found myself staying up still 3 or 4 in the morning.  I did get a lot of work done, however, I felt like crap the next day. I decided to stop for a day and start over and just take a quarter in the morning and 1/4 around 1pm. If you take the second one later than that 1pm you might have a hard time going to sleep.

The 1/4 dosage worked and  I feel so much  better.  I can focus and I can actually watch a full movie without loosing my focus. I  haven’t read a book in a long time and I haven’t felt like cleaning my house plus I was totally disorganized.

If you feel that you have any of the above symptoms please check them out before it gets later in years – it could save a lot of hardship and pain.

I Can’t Sleep! Again

I’ve been really busy all day long.  I woke up at 4:30am this morning!  Just couldn’t go back to sleep because there was so much going through my mind. It’s been non-stop all day long. Now, here it is 3:00am in the morning and I’m still wide awake.  It’s all about my photography.

I set up shop at Etsy.com, but not much this time of the morning.  I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to go to bed.  My mind keeps saying just stay up don’t go to sleep.  I can do it! The other part says go to sleep!  I just can’t do it.  How do I break this cycle?

It’s not good to go without sleep.  Not good on the bipolar person.  I bet if were to put down my computer, and turn off the light something will happen.  Let’s see what happens.

Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.