Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.

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Can Daylight Savings Time Affect My Mood?

This made sound far fetch, but I tell you I have felt very off-balance since Daylight Savings Time went into effect.   I’ve been staying up until 3 or 4 am watching TV or dazzling on my computer.  Sometimes I fall asleep with my fingers still on the keys, tv going and lights on-not good.  When I don’t get enough rest sends me into depression and irritability.

I went to my psychiatrist and she wants me to start taking Lithium ER 450mg the extended release dose.blood count my Lithium has been low and she has been trying to get me to take it.  I let her write the prescription and then I checked online for the cost, Wow wee!  Very expensive even though I have Medicare and Humana. I was a little surprise!  The regular Litium is not nearly as expensive.  I’ve never heard of Lithium ER so I’m a little apprehensive to spend that much money and not work for me.  I’ve got a basket full of pills that was prescribed and could not take them.  A lot of money in that basket!

I’ve got to get motivated it’s almost the weekend!

Bipolar – Patty Duke is my Inspiration

I watched the Patty Duke show in my early years when she ran track in school on the Patty Duke show.  She was a fast runner in track and when she was at the starting line she could hear the beat of music, and know she could get to the finish line before anyone else. 

Like Patty Duke in her show, I ran track myself and used the same principle.  I knew if I just focused on the finish line and forget who was around me  I could do anything.  I could reach the finish line before anyone else. Running was the one run thing I knew how to do.  Learning Math or English were not.

In 1968, while in High School my disabilities were more noticeable especially in English and Math.  My parents knew I had a problem, but at that time, didn’t know what ADD or Bipolar were.   I just thought I was stupid.   Even the teachers made me feel stupid so needless to say I lacked self-esteem.  I could read a page and by the time I’d got to the end the information had cleared my memory.  Math gave me anxiety – could not understand it nor did I want to.  I feared math so much I wouldn’t take th TASP to enter college.

Over the years I knew there was something wrong with me.  My grammar and speech were different and was joked about.  I couldn’t keep a relationship, because they thought I was crazy.  In my later years – 40’s – 50’s, I couldn’t keep a job.  The illness just got stronger – anger, memory problems, confusion, fatigue, and hallucinations.  I always thought people were talking behind my back and would confront them with anger leading to dismissal.  I couldn’t understand what was happening – I’d always been told by my boss  I was the greatest.  I was good at my job and always got projects done on time.  What happen to that person?

I don’t understand why I got Bipolar other than what I’ve read – inheriting from someone in your family.  Lately, I don’t remember things like buying something online and it showing up at my front door. Buying something at the store and finding it later wondering where it came from. I could lay something down like glasses and go to pick them and their not there.  I’d go crazy looking for them.  Then when I looked in the place where I thought I left them they would appear like magic.  WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’m trying to figure out a system that will keep me out of trouble.  There’s one thing I don’t want to forget and that’s picking up my little black Pomeranian at the airport on Saturday.  He has been my angel through many bad times.

Like Patty Duke, I have Bipolar.  She seeked medical treated and is doing very well today.  That is why she is my inspiration.  If I could meet one person in my life it would be Patty.  I would love to sit down and talk about Bipolar and ask questions.  I have a lot.  If I could talk to Patty Duke it would be one of my dreams I could check off my list.  Love you Patty. 

Visit:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/patty-duke-bipolar-disorder.html

http://www.pattyduke.net/blog/index.php

Bipolar & Alcoholism – Chance At A New Life Don’t Blow It

Sunrise at Wrightsville Beach NC

I moved to Wilmington, NC from living in Dallas, TX for 58 years.   The change was decided so I could be  near my son and grand children.  I’m a recovering alcoholic with Bipolar, ADD, and have been sober since April 2009.  

After the last bit of luggage was laid inside the front door of my charming new cottage sudden loneliness set in.  If you have been following me you would know that I have been taking care of my parents for two years who are 84 and both have Alzheimer’s. Before that I’d been living alone for more than 30 years since my divorce.  During those years I was also living as a person with Bipolar, ADD, and a drinking problem called alcoholism.

This move was a dream of mine and it still is.  I’ve just had some stumbles the last few days since I got here.  Unfortunately, there’s a grocery store across the street that carries beer and wine.  Not unfortunate for some,  but for me it’s easy access for my addictions.  I nust take it a day at a time.

I bought groceries on my first day and yes I bought a bottle of wine.  I wish my son had said something like, “Mom do you think that’s a good thing to do.”  He didn’t.   I enjoyed the wine, but I did not enjoy the morning after as well as the next morning.  Yes, two evenings in a roll.   That’s going to have to change. Especially, with diabetes as well.

Drinking wine keeps me from doing the things I enjoy and that’s reading, writing, research, painting, and photography.  That’s whole reason coming to the East Coast was to find my true self again.  And I will.  God  made this dream come true so I don’t won’t to disappoint him.  He spoke to me and said it was time to find out who I am.  I had followed my intuition for the last two-years and Gods words to get here.

I must consider this as a set back and not be hard on myself.   I’ll pick myself up and dust off the old memories and start anew. I was given this new chance and  new life to spend it with my son and to be a grandma.  It has been my dream for years.  I have a 1 and 3 year  who are loves of my life.  I screwed upmy past life I’m not going to mess of mynew  life.  From this day on no drinking.

Not only is drinking bad for your liver it’s not good for Bipolar.  That’s one of the reasons I drank – to stop the pain of Bipolar.  I’ve learned that you need to deal with your Bipolar to become stronger.

Moving to Wilmington, NC is going to be my new life and new lifted spirit to learn who I am.   I will be writing about my new life in a new blog coming soon.  Also, I will be writing my results from weaning myself off Effexor, the worse drug I’ve ever taken.  I’ve gone from 75  mg to 35 mg and next week I will taper down to 30 mg.  If that’s too much I’ll change to 32 mg.  Whatever it takes to get off this devilish pill I will do. That’s all need is to withdraw from Effexor and Wine at the same time.  WOW!  Put me in the Hospital!

My story on my new life will be coming soon to a new blog near you>>>

Withdrawing from Effexor Is Not Easy-Get Ready for a Roller Coaster Ride

It’s been about two weeks since I started weaning myself off of Effexor.  I never know what to expect when the ride is coming the time release  has a mind of its own.  The side effects have ranged from being very tired mania, sweating, confusion, and anxiety. I never know how I’m going to  feel or react.  It the even the drug gives me mania. I breathe like I just ran a  race, I’m hyper, can’t sleep, but I get a lot done and I get many creative ideas.

I must  interrupt here – part of anxiety today was trying to watch the Dallas Cowboy game.  I’ve moved to North Carolina and the game is not on here. I’ve been trying everything to just listen to in the radio. I’ve tried and  now I just want to know the score is.  I’m a Dallas Cowboy crazy fan.  Yep, the mania set in.

I just hope weaning off this medication works. Time will tell what direction I should take.

Effexor: Doctors Didn’t Tell Me – The Horrible Side Effects/Withdrawals

Guardian Angel Watches Over Me

 

First, I want to say I’m having a little trouble seeing.  My eyes are blurring and can’t see my computer screen very well.  My brain skips a little and tries to go on vacation when I’m typing.  So forgive me with the bad spelling and grammar.  I not good at it anyway, but it might be worse.

 

Second, WHY! didn’t the doctors tell me about the horrible side effects of this drug Effexor?  Are they not allowed to per the drug company.  What if a person dies or commits suicide, because someone didn’t warn her or him about the bad withdrawal effects?  I’d like to hear why. 

On with my day – Today was a terrible day.  I didn’t take my  Effexor this morning, and that wasn’t a good idea. I became a tyrant. I chewed the bank lady out and threatened to close my account.  I almost screamed at this lady for parking her cart in front of me causing me to almost run into it. If anyone crossed me I was ready for action. Manic comes quickly, my head starting hurting, stomach became nausea, just felt  awful.  I was out trying to shop a little and I had to stop everything and go home and get in bed.  My eyes became sensitive to light so I turn it off, covered my head with a blanket, and rested for a while.  I took the half of Effexor I’ve narrowed myself down to. I’m not sure how it will affect me tonight since it’s time release.  When I take it in the morning I up most of the night.

Having bipolar is not easy if your taking medications.  I sometimes wonder how I would do without them. But then I remember how I was before I started taking Lithium. I was on several antidepressants but didn’t like any of them.   I mean the Lithium has been good for the Bipolar, and the Effexor XR  is for depression and anxiety.  I was diagnosed with stong mania so this drug really makes it worse. To me it causes more anxiety which initiates my manic-depressive.  I  don’t know about you – but why take something that makes your symptoms worse? The doctor told me it might help with ADHD.  That would be nice.  She forgot to tell me about the side effects/withdrawals.

I’m torn between getting off of Effexor X R or just take a very low dose.  I was taking 75 mg and now I just half the capsule.  The last count was 30 grains. 

I’ve been reading other people comments on WiseGeek.  You need to read it.  I had no idea what brain shivers or zapping was until I read it.  They are part of the withdrawal symptoms.

I’ll check later on my spelling and grammer – got to go now.

Bipolar & ADHD: I tried, failed and it’s okay

Relax and Breathe

Yes,  my attempt failed.  When I take on a project it’s a challenge for me.  I decided I wanted to have my own website with a store and shopping cart to sell my sunglasses.  I’m tired of paying fees to eBay, and  felt I should at least try. I worked on it for two weeks until 2 or 3 am in the morning.  My mania was kicking in.  I think it’s my medication. On with the story.

Once, I told myself that I would never quit anything again. I remember my father telling me as I was growing up through my teens that I always quit. I never finish anything.   My dad was a very negative person and  had a way of making me feel like I could never do anything. I could never understand why he did that to me.

I use to be quick at everything I did.  I had a boss, Siva who was my mentor.  Siva was from Malaysia and our cultures were a lot different and we had  a discussion about it, because I was going crazy.  I told him I wasn’t someone you could push around, and we are equals.  He laughed.

One day he came up to me and said he needed a slide presentation on PowerPoint done  by the next morning.  I looked up at him and said, “What?”  I’ve never used PowerPoint, and to include graphics?  He just looked at me and said,” It’s time to learn.”  Where do I start?  While he was getting everything together I started reading about PowerPoint.  I worked on the presentation until it was time for the charts.  I went to Siva and told him there was no way I could do the charts.   “Yes you can, he said.  How are you going to know if you can do it unless you tried?  You don’t give up.”

I didn’t know what I was going to do!  I didn’t have time to really learn  just what I needed to know.  On the way to my desk I noticed the gentleman in the booth next to me working on a chart.  I faced humility and ask him for help.  I if he could just show me the basics on how to create a chart with graphics, I’ll attempt the rest.   I had him send me a copy of what he was doing so I could look at it.

I don’t know how I did it, but I did.  It was unbelievable!   Siva said, “See you did it.  You didn’t give up and found a way to get the job done.   How do you feel?”  I said, “I feel great as a matter a fact.”  I really did, I was very proud of myself, and so was he.  The next morning after the presentation he came to me and said in the meeting that morning people came up to him telling him the slides look greated.  My boss, actually told them that I did it.  He was very proud. We became very close.   Unfortunately, layoffs occurred and we lost touch. However, I still remember – “You’ll never know unless you try.”

Since, I got sicker and sicker until I finally came out of denial to seek help.  I finally found the right combination of medication – Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Lorespam.  I have some side effects from the Effexor – I’m not hungry as much,  I get a little anxiety in the evening, and I have more energy.  The pill is time release so it works more in the evening.

I gave up on the website I was doing  – I was staying up every night until the wee hours of the morning.  I didn’t want to stop – I had to get it done.  Then, I had a talk with myself – Vickie, this is not healthy.  It’s causing anxiety and stress and it’s not worth it.  That’s right it’s not and decided to try something else, slowly.  I’ve always jumped right into something without thinking about it.  It’s doesn’t hurt to give up on something when it causes stress.   But, spending money on things when you get this notion want to try something new stop and think, research, and see if  it’s really something you really can do.   I think it would have been wrong to make myself sick over something that I really could not do.   

I’ll come up with something.  I aways do.  Just Do Your Best!  Just because you have bipolar doesn’t mean the end of  things.  Pick something you’ve been wanting to do and try.  It’s okay to fail.